It's amazing how life works out. How you have this larger than life plan in your head about how it's gonna be or how " If it were up to you.." things would be this way or that. All the while Gods just sitting up in heaven laughing at your grandiose efforts.
When I was a little girl I had this dream, that one day the clouds would separate and a big glittering miracle would appear out of thin air. There would be no more worries, or bills, or heartache. Everything would always run smoothly, and not a step out of time.
Man, am I glad that wasn't the case.
I found out that those moments of shear lunacy meant something. They still mean something. I found that the madness can be beautiful. We miss that I think because we're so wrapped up in the fact that it's a road block in this game of life we're playing. You see the madness means my hearts still beats fast for something. It means it still pounds faster and slower at the same time when I'm excited, and it has the ability to break into a million pieces at any given moment. I'm ok with those odds today.
You see life is hard. It's real hard. It comes with big responsibilities like compromise and selflessness, and a whole bunch of other things that we fall short in every day. Some days more than others. Those things never disappeared when I wished for them so desperately. That wasn't where the miracle was. It happened many many years later when I finally figured out what all this is about. That my heart has the ability to mend itself after those tragedies, and that I want to stay right where I am when things don't go my way. Best of all it allows me to grow.
Baby, I may not always get this right, and damn it I try. For those moments of insanity....I am not sorry. I am more in love with you then than I ever am, and it's really amazing how life works out.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Captivated
She didn't know much except that she couldn't breathe when he was near her. She couldn't do much of anything. Every muscle in her body quaked. The hairs upon her skin stood on end as he softly whispered her name. She was captivated by his hazel eyes, and his ability to quite literally read her like a book.
What was it about him?...Who knows. He was average, but some how extraordinary. Atleast to her. Even the way he moved spoke light into her soul. A gentleness that is to be felt and never understood.
She loved him beyond a place of space or time or sound reasoning. Beyond reality and fantasy and any normal human function. She loved him truly.
There had been no questions or answers. No fairy tale endings to the beginning of her self published love story. It was simple, It was real, my God was it real. And it just WAS. It was enough.
There was no greater love for him, and no more innocent love for her.
What was it about him?...Who knows. He was average, but some how extraordinary. Atleast to her. Even the way he moved spoke light into her soul. A gentleness that is to be felt and never understood.
She loved him beyond a place of space or time or sound reasoning. Beyond reality and fantasy and any normal human function. She loved him truly.
There had been no questions or answers. No fairy tale endings to the beginning of her self published love story. It was simple, It was real, my God was it real. And it just WAS. It was enough.
There was no greater love for him, and no more innocent love for her.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
How
Do you ever find yourself wondering " What's the point?", " What are we doing this for?", " When does it end?". Yea of course you do. Man kind has been questioning humanity for as long as we've existed. What is all of this for....
Do we live simply to die many many years later, or in some instances far too soon. Do we wake up in the morning to toddle through the day only to retire at night wondering what it was we had even accomplished in those 24 hours. Do we do things that we truly WANT to do or do we do things that SOCIETY wants us to do...what's cool or socially acceptable. When is the last time any of us stopped for a moment and remembered to live. Without first wondering whose watching.
What about faith. Do we believe because God is real or do we pretend to believe because we've lost grips with the physical world. Do we believe because his word has been written over decades and decades of time that it is his way or no way at all. Humans say they believe because it's whats "cool". Going to church is in this week so they are all about it, or someones brothers cousins nextdoor neighbor went to mass once and it changed him.
How about free will. What about good verses evil...the internal demons we battle on a daily basis. What about what haunts us. That's what it's for. We fight to hold on, and we fight to let go. Those are not empty days or hours or moments. They are not redundant regardless of our shift work jobs or idle house chores. There is so much more to what we do everyday.
The point is we may never know what the point is. I think that's the beauty of it. The beginning meshes with the end. Every series of events, every step forward, backward, is part of a perfectly devised plan. The reality of faith is that we must trust in order for it to work. One merely does not exist without the other. So instead of questioning what all this is about, I think we solely need to ask why it is that we can't just trust in the design?...
Anyone who reads this take my challenge: Pause for just a moment.
Take a deep breath and say...
It does not matter why. It matters how.
How will I spend my moments. Faith without works...well, is dead.
Do we live simply to die many many years later, or in some instances far too soon. Do we wake up in the morning to toddle through the day only to retire at night wondering what it was we had even accomplished in those 24 hours. Do we do things that we truly WANT to do or do we do things that SOCIETY wants us to do...what's cool or socially acceptable. When is the last time any of us stopped for a moment and remembered to live. Without first wondering whose watching.
What about faith. Do we believe because God is real or do we pretend to believe because we've lost grips with the physical world. Do we believe because his word has been written over decades and decades of time that it is his way or no way at all. Humans say they believe because it's whats "cool". Going to church is in this week so they are all about it, or someones brothers cousins nextdoor neighbor went to mass once and it changed him.
How about free will. What about good verses evil...the internal demons we battle on a daily basis. What about what haunts us. That's what it's for. We fight to hold on, and we fight to let go. Those are not empty days or hours or moments. They are not redundant regardless of our shift work jobs or idle house chores. There is so much more to what we do everyday.
The point is we may never know what the point is. I think that's the beauty of it. The beginning meshes with the end. Every series of events, every step forward, backward, is part of a perfectly devised plan. The reality of faith is that we must trust in order for it to work. One merely does not exist without the other. So instead of questioning what all this is about, I think we solely need to ask why it is that we can't just trust in the design?...
Anyone who reads this take my challenge: Pause for just a moment.
Take a deep breath and say...
It does not matter why. It matters how.
How will I spend my moments. Faith without works...well, is dead.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
The best laid plans...often go awry
It's amazing how easy it can be to forget. How simple it is to start the wheels turning. As defined, Trust is an action word, and I have had very delayed reactions lately. I was promised that in all that I do if I stay close to God and perform his work well then all will be provided for me. That statement has always held true. It is I that deviates from his well laid plans.
Worrying is a waste of time. It creeps in only to steal what little peace you have left in those moments. It does not pay the bills, nor put food in the fridge. It does not make insecurities disappear, nor new opportunities arise. Simply, worrying clouds your judgement, and adds strain where strain is not due.
There is a lot going on in my world lately. I have a household to tend to, debt to climb out of, a fiance who is very soon to be my husband, and I forget sometimes that as of yesterday I am only one year sober. It took me 24 years to lose everything. Most importantly myself. I can not expect to get things back so quickly. Life is new today. Instead of constantly leaving...I am always finding new reasons to stay. I am learning how to live in the moment.
My world, even had you subtracted the horror of my own addiction, was still poorly managed. I learned to have terrible life skills. I can survive well....I was not always as successful at living. There was always something to take care of or fret over. Someone who needed caring for. Some heroic roll I was forced to play because the 8 year old of the house was meant to save everyone ya know. That was a lot of pressure for a little girl. Pressure I still put on myself as an adult. Those quirks stay with me. Not because I want to bring them, but simply because sometimes they are all I know.
At 25, I am reborn. I do not think I fully understood how hard that was going to be. In my case atleast. Not a single piece of me would ever want to be recycled into the woman I had been before this all started. I did not admirer her then, and I do not admirer her now. What I didn't think about was the fact that I had literally no idea how to function as a human being. I was raised by wolves so to speak. How do you teach a dog to sit after a quarter of a century of only knowing he was allowed to stand? It's sad to me, and frustrating not to know. I feel dumb some days.
This program forces me to look at those things. Sure maybe I won't know how to do some basic things, but today I am teachable. I am willing, and I have faith. This past month my faith was shaken, but I always find my way back home.
Tomorrow begins a new day, and a new journey.
Worrying is a waste of time. It creeps in only to steal what little peace you have left in those moments. It does not pay the bills, nor put food in the fridge. It does not make insecurities disappear, nor new opportunities arise. Simply, worrying clouds your judgement, and adds strain where strain is not due.
There is a lot going on in my world lately. I have a household to tend to, debt to climb out of, a fiance who is very soon to be my husband, and I forget sometimes that as of yesterday I am only one year sober. It took me 24 years to lose everything. Most importantly myself. I can not expect to get things back so quickly. Life is new today. Instead of constantly leaving...I am always finding new reasons to stay. I am learning how to live in the moment.
My world, even had you subtracted the horror of my own addiction, was still poorly managed. I learned to have terrible life skills. I can survive well....I was not always as successful at living. There was always something to take care of or fret over. Someone who needed caring for. Some heroic roll I was forced to play because the 8 year old of the house was meant to save everyone ya know. That was a lot of pressure for a little girl. Pressure I still put on myself as an adult. Those quirks stay with me. Not because I want to bring them, but simply because sometimes they are all I know.
At 25, I am reborn. I do not think I fully understood how hard that was going to be. In my case atleast. Not a single piece of me would ever want to be recycled into the woman I had been before this all started. I did not admirer her then, and I do not admirer her now. What I didn't think about was the fact that I had literally no idea how to function as a human being. I was raised by wolves so to speak. How do you teach a dog to sit after a quarter of a century of only knowing he was allowed to stand? It's sad to me, and frustrating not to know. I feel dumb some days.
This program forces me to look at those things. Sure maybe I won't know how to do some basic things, but today I am teachable. I am willing, and I have faith. This past month my faith was shaken, but I always find my way back home.
Tomorrow begins a new day, and a new journey.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Everything
They asked her what she would risk for him....she said.... " Everything ".
There are very few things in life that she would kill for. Very few things that motivate her soul to feel, and her heart to beat the way this man had done. She didn't have it in her to love another human being the way she had always longed to , until now.
It was effortless the way she craved the sound of his voice. The long intimate stares they shared from across crowded rooms, and the way they easily saw past the glances of the tormented creatures who fed off of their attraction to one another.
She didn't have much, but she had exactly what he needed. That woman marvelously possessed every slight of hand, twist of tongue necessary to lore her lover in deep within the confines of her mind. There he would see her plain as day the way no one had ever even tried. How beautiful to know what her heartbeat must sound like from the inside.
He was a part of her. A large, powerful force that drove her insanely mad ...to the point of an utterly orgasmic love affair. Intertwined they had become. Skin upon skin, hand upon chest, upon layer of countless layers of age old torture. Stripping articles of clothing in a vain attempt to strip themselves of the decades worth of shame. It was beautiful the way they created magic between the friction within their actions.
Two had become one. Halves became whole. A unit. A gloriously complicated sum of all there had ever been...and all that there ever will be.
There are very few things in life that she would kill for. Very few things that motivate her soul to feel, and her heart to beat the way this man had done. She didn't have it in her to love another human being the way she had always longed to , until now.
It was effortless the way she craved the sound of his voice. The long intimate stares they shared from across crowded rooms, and the way they easily saw past the glances of the tormented creatures who fed off of their attraction to one another.
She didn't have much, but she had exactly what he needed. That woman marvelously possessed every slight of hand, twist of tongue necessary to lore her lover in deep within the confines of her mind. There he would see her plain as day the way no one had ever even tried. How beautiful to know what her heartbeat must sound like from the inside.
He was a part of her. A large, powerful force that drove her insanely mad ...to the point of an utterly orgasmic love affair. Intertwined they had become. Skin upon skin, hand upon chest, upon layer of countless layers of age old torture. Stripping articles of clothing in a vain attempt to strip themselves of the decades worth of shame. It was beautiful the way they created magic between the friction within their actions.
Two had become one. Halves became whole. A unit. A gloriously complicated sum of all there had ever been...and all that there ever will be.
Monday, September 15, 2014
As we are
We accept so many things. We accept gifts, and compliments, and invitations. We accept challenges, and donations, and jobs. With these instances we hardly bat an eye. Those things are simple.
What about the things that we accept into our WORLDS. What about the moments that change us. That move us as human beings. What about the guilt, the blame, the heartache we so willingly take on given the same thoughtless reaction.
We accept what we feel we deserve. Seeing people, and places as WE are, not as THEY are. I am dying inside...all I see around me is death. I am feeling fragile...all I see are shattered people. I accept only what my mind can handle. We are drawn to the sickest parts of ourselves. We are drawn to the individuals that feel us, or that WE feel for that matter. I love you because your heart breaks the same way as mine, and your world is painted with the same exact light suffocating colors.
How is it that we can feel so many things, and absolutely nothing at all. Why is it that you make me make sense. Why is it that I am not better than the things that I have seen if they are different from the things that I have done?
" We were born sick. You heard them say it"
Somewhere after panic, and horror, and utter disgust. After numbness, and years of wearing blinders, and earmuffs and handcuffs. After prayer after desperate prayer. Willingness, and freedom, and TRUE acceptance do we begin to heal.
Years later we realize just how small our worlds had been. Just how tightly we held on to those moments that defined us. Those people that validated our own sad existence. Only after recognition of these parallel universes in our heads do we learn how to accept reality. Reality for all that it is, and not all that we are.
We are so much greater than the sum of all of those tiny parts. We are bigger than how small we've made ourselves. We are free of the bondage of sadness. A victimless crime on humanity. Simple. Quiet. Humble.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Don't wanna be
I don't know man...I guess it started out like this.
My name. That doesn't matter. Call me anonymous. Its got a ring to it..
Any how. I'm a loner. Not by choice necessarily. It's just nearly impossible to find anyone to stick around.
I'm not like the rest of you. My Sunday school teacher says I'm special. That isn't the case. I'm a demon, and her sweet self is just too afraid to say it to my face. There is a hole in my chest where my heart should be. Where my empathy should be, and feelings have meaning and all that happy horse shit.
I try to make friends with the neighborhood kids, but they are less than interested. I'm weird. I suppose that's better than the names they would call me if they knew the truth. My life, if that's what we're calling it, is laid out in absolutes. I absolutely have no fucking clue, and I absolutely don't give a shit. I am also absolutely lying. I care more than they will ever know to know what it must feel like to see things in color.
This black and white nonsense is for the birds. What's worse than that is that I spend most of my time lost in the grey. Am I happy or am I sad? Or am I just less sad, and I think I feel just fine? Am I dying? Can't be. At age 11 I recognized that I was very much already dead.
This nameless, faceless existence is mysterious the girls tell me. It makes me like a bad ass or something. Man is that a name I could live up to. I bet they never thought they'd regret the day they met me. So the story goes on and on. It ends just as hollow as it had begun.
How. That doesn't matter. Call it fate. It's got a ring to it.
My name. That doesn't matter. Call me anonymous. Its got a ring to it..
Any how. I'm a loner. Not by choice necessarily. It's just nearly impossible to find anyone to stick around.
I'm not like the rest of you. My Sunday school teacher says I'm special. That isn't the case. I'm a demon, and her sweet self is just too afraid to say it to my face. There is a hole in my chest where my heart should be. Where my empathy should be, and feelings have meaning and all that happy horse shit.
I try to make friends with the neighborhood kids, but they are less than interested. I'm weird. I suppose that's better than the names they would call me if they knew the truth. My life, if that's what we're calling it, is laid out in absolutes. I absolutely have no fucking clue, and I absolutely don't give a shit. I am also absolutely lying. I care more than they will ever know to know what it must feel like to see things in color.
This black and white nonsense is for the birds. What's worse than that is that I spend most of my time lost in the grey. Am I happy or am I sad? Or am I just less sad, and I think I feel just fine? Am I dying? Can't be. At age 11 I recognized that I was very much already dead.
This nameless, faceless existence is mysterious the girls tell me. It makes me like a bad ass or something. Man is that a name I could live up to. I bet they never thought they'd regret the day they met me. So the story goes on and on. It ends just as hollow as it had begun.
How. That doesn't matter. Call it fate. It's got a ring to it.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Never felt so much at home
I wanna write until the keys fall off of this old typewriter, and my fingers go numb. I wanna write until the sun comes up and my green eyes burn from staring at the stark white pages.
There...
You'll find me there. Out in front of that old oak tree. Skin chilled to the bone, and an empty coffee cup by my side.
Lost...
Lost in the moment, but found. Finally found for the first time in all my life.
Maybe these are all just parts. Maybe they are tiny pieces of consciousness strewn about in a world of delirium. Maybe life is far greater than the sum of all of these tiny parts.
Humanity is sickening. We are human beings living completely inhumanely.
Fast forward and rewind...Fast forward and rewind.
You look in another's eyes and see your future. You see your fucking heart breaking.
She felt nothing. Not anything at all in those moments. Her eyes were empty, but her heart was full. Full with the fears of a thousand people. Yet she couldn't place a single thought she had.
Then it all hit her like a freight train.
She was dead. Not literally. Not figuratively even. Just dead to the world.
My God though is she alive.
There...
You'll find me there. Out in front of that old oak tree. Skin chilled to the bone, and an empty coffee cup by my side.
Lost...
Lost in the moment, but found. Finally found for the first time in all my life.
Maybe these are all just parts. Maybe they are tiny pieces of consciousness strewn about in a world of delirium. Maybe life is far greater than the sum of all of these tiny parts.
Humanity is sickening. We are human beings living completely inhumanely.
Fast forward and rewind...Fast forward and rewind.
You look in another's eyes and see your future. You see your fucking heart breaking.
She felt nothing. Not anything at all in those moments. Her eyes were empty, but her heart was full. Full with the fears of a thousand people. Yet she couldn't place a single thought she had.
Then it all hit her like a freight train.
She was dead. Not literally. Not figuratively even. Just dead to the world.
My God though is she alive.
Monday, August 18, 2014
your eyes look like comin home....
" I've been so many places in my life and time..."...
I have had the opportunity to be a sister, a mother, a lover. I was a best friend, an arch enemy, and a confidant. There are homes I have inhabited and couches I have surfed. So many faces, and places, and hearts I have so graciously come to know.
Over the course of these immeasurable 25 years I have built myself a world. A mini army made up of created fairy tale family members and a support system that could with stand the test of time. There are people I have not seen in years, but would show up in a split second in my world.There are ones that I am honored to see every single day. People that have watched me fail, saw me cry my eyes out, and plead to god that I just wanted to die. Against all odds they showed up for me. Selfish me, for the better half of all those years, was sure that they were the lucky ones.
I could not have been more wrong. It was I that had been blessed. As great as it was to see them...it was always so much more rewarding to have been seen. I was lost. They indeed...one by one tried so desperately to love me back to life. If I had the power to go back and save them all from the hell I created I would. It hurts me more than they will ever know to have watched them hurt for me.
These individuals come in all shapes and sizes. All walks of life. They each are attached to a particular drug, or home or broken hearted part of me. When I could not find a way to be a part of this life they mangles themselves to be a part of mine. Today I am able to be present. In their worlds, in their time. How do I ever divorce myself from the only family I have ever known?
I will be married soon. I will be the luckiest woman in the world to share myself with this man. I come with baggage, with alcoholism, and with a gang of lovely people that to me...they look like comin home. My home will be you Kevin, and I am so grateful that they are all welcome.
I have had the opportunity to be a sister, a mother, a lover. I was a best friend, an arch enemy, and a confidant. There are homes I have inhabited and couches I have surfed. So many faces, and places, and hearts I have so graciously come to know.
Over the course of these immeasurable 25 years I have built myself a world. A mini army made up of created fairy tale family members and a support system that could with stand the test of time. There are people I have not seen in years, but would show up in a split second in my world.There are ones that I am honored to see every single day. People that have watched me fail, saw me cry my eyes out, and plead to god that I just wanted to die. Against all odds they showed up for me. Selfish me, for the better half of all those years, was sure that they were the lucky ones.
I could not have been more wrong. It was I that had been blessed. As great as it was to see them...it was always so much more rewarding to have been seen. I was lost. They indeed...one by one tried so desperately to love me back to life. If I had the power to go back and save them all from the hell I created I would. It hurts me more than they will ever know to have watched them hurt for me.
These individuals come in all shapes and sizes. All walks of life. They each are attached to a particular drug, or home or broken hearted part of me. When I could not find a way to be a part of this life they mangles themselves to be a part of mine. Today I am able to be present. In their worlds, in their time. How do I ever divorce myself from the only family I have ever known?
I will be married soon. I will be the luckiest woman in the world to share myself with this man. I come with baggage, with alcoholism, and with a gang of lovely people that to me...they look like comin home. My home will be you Kevin, and I am so grateful that they are all welcome.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Shine on you crazy diamond
These city lights. They shine like a million diamonds over the back alleys, and cheap bodega stores where we'd occupy ourselves for hours. Sparkling in the eyes of the children as they scurried, and clinging like sequence to our homeless tattered hair.Those fiery twinkling bulbs glisten off of freshly filled rain puddles, and off of the hoods of shiny new cars, but they didn't shine as bright as you....
All the tiny street mice, the people. All of the sounds, and screams, and whispers through the underground subway tunnels. The darkness. We shall not be fearful in these moments sweetheart, our darkness is the exact same shade....I know this because it is my favorite color. It's the color of my reality. The opaque shield that sheltered me for days and days.
My insides, tangled up in knots craved those neon blinking bar signs. It craved the red flashing exit signals, and the mirrored reflection of the disco ball. Remember how it hung in the back corner of those fancy dance clubs where we spent our lonely nights. Do you remember how we just didn't want to remember....we just didn't want to know.
I wish you were here so I could tell you all the joys of how precious it is not to know a single thing. To not know which way it's gonna go and to not have to hide from it. We were always lost in the plain view. That manifested hell was a beautifully crafted delusion to our hideous reality. The hell we wreaked was better than the hell we were born into. Our version had numbing solutions, and pretty lights, and french kisses with strangers, and each other.
Lucky for me I still know our beginning, and tragically I have seen the end. Lack of faith is no longer our dilemma. I think we were wrong about ourselves all those years....There was heaven on earth, the proof is the we had survived. The real proof is that today you can see that it is for real. You are my heaven, my true life testament to the light within the darkness. Today you are fearless.....shine on you my crazy diamond.
All the tiny street mice, the people. All of the sounds, and screams, and whispers through the underground subway tunnels. The darkness. We shall not be fearful in these moments sweetheart, our darkness is the exact same shade....I know this because it is my favorite color. It's the color of my reality. The opaque shield that sheltered me for days and days.
My insides, tangled up in knots craved those neon blinking bar signs. It craved the red flashing exit signals, and the mirrored reflection of the disco ball. Remember how it hung in the back corner of those fancy dance clubs where we spent our lonely nights. Do you remember how we just didn't want to remember....we just didn't want to know.
I wish you were here so I could tell you all the joys of how precious it is not to know a single thing. To not know which way it's gonna go and to not have to hide from it. We were always lost in the plain view. That manifested hell was a beautifully crafted delusion to our hideous reality. The hell we wreaked was better than the hell we were born into. Our version had numbing solutions, and pretty lights, and french kisses with strangers, and each other.
Lucky for me I still know our beginning, and tragically I have seen the end. Lack of faith is no longer our dilemma. I think we were wrong about ourselves all those years....There was heaven on earth, the proof is the we had survived. The real proof is that today you can see that it is for real. You are my heaven, my true life testament to the light within the darkness. Today you are fearless.....shine on you my crazy diamond.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Erika Michelle
There are so many words that I can't bring myself to say. I think if I were to open my mouth they would all flood out in one jumbled mess. Speaking in tongues, my tears would guide my thoughts. Sometimes it's the things we just couldn't bring ourselves to say....
I'd like to tell you that I'm sorry for the life we lived...but I'm not. I'd like to tell you that I don't believe this is happening, but I do. I'd like to tell you that if I could go back to the day this all started and some how try to save us I would. The fact of the matter was that I couldn't save us if I tried. The blind is not capable of leading the blind. Maybe for a distance, but never for long.
Thank god for all we missed. For all we've done. In sickness and in health we created a world. Maybe not a life, but a mini universe that we survived in for the better part of 25 years. We made ourselves believe that the world outside was so unkind, but it was us tragically that had no soul to bear. It all seemed so painful, but I know today that we were not the only ones that were suffering.
I am so grateful for the time we had. There was joy in those moments. A time to learn, to grow, to fall, and to build each other back up. I do not regret a moment of our crazy lives together, and I hope that you don't either. Today, regardless if it is one way or the other, I believe in my heart that we are just as free as we'll ever be.
I love you so very very much.
I'd like to tell you that I'm sorry for the life we lived...but I'm not. I'd like to tell you that I don't believe this is happening, but I do. I'd like to tell you that if I could go back to the day this all started and some how try to save us I would. The fact of the matter was that I couldn't save us if I tried. The blind is not capable of leading the blind. Maybe for a distance, but never for long.
Thank god for all we missed. For all we've done. In sickness and in health we created a world. Maybe not a life, but a mini universe that we survived in for the better part of 25 years. We made ourselves believe that the world outside was so unkind, but it was us tragically that had no soul to bear. It all seemed so painful, but I know today that we were not the only ones that were suffering.
I am so grateful for the time we had. There was joy in those moments. A time to learn, to grow, to fall, and to build each other back up. I do not regret a moment of our crazy lives together, and I hope that you don't either. Today, regardless if it is one way or the other, I believe in my heart that we are just as free as we'll ever be.
I love you so very very much.
Monday, July 21, 2014
Transformation Tuesday
It hurts so badly because I know. I know my truth today. The horrors of what I have done. I understand the woman that I wake up with every morning. She is, luckily for me, the same one I fall asleep with every night. She is so much more than she could have ever imagine.
This person is whole. All on her own. Without validation, or compliments or a collection of lost souls she fabricated together to replace her own missing heart. She wants today, but not because she needs. Simply because the things that she desires most in life are only an added bonus to what she already has. She doesn't need them to bury herself in to hide from how she really feels, or what shes really thinking. Those sick thoughts. That overpowering committee in her head was the only thing she was able to hear.
Aside from the many toxic substances that poisoned her body, she was corroded with lost love song lyrics, and the dignity of everyone around her. Her greatest flaw was that she believed she was powerful beyond measure. The universes greatest flaw was that it had been true. That tiny little green eyed number with her long brown hair, and her heart of nothingness NEEDED more than she could have even bargained for. The gaping hole in her chest could be plugged....for a time...with anything. Anything that could love her long enough to be able to breathe again. Although it never lasted. They never lasted. Those pieces of their hearts could not survive inside her own. They didn't speak the same language. The intent was never to rob these people. The intent was never to hurt them, but she always knew exactly what she had to do to stop the pain.
To say that for 24 years she was half a person would be a lie. She was an empty shell of a human being. She was dead. Every one of her casualties were of gods beautiful making, but they were never going to be enough....Because she was never enough. Maybe the beach house will cure it. Maybe the desperation in their voices. Maybe the frothy emotional fucking appeal. NO. None of it.
That woman hit her knees like she had never prayed before in her entire life. She let it go. All of it. She can look you in the eyes today. You can trust every word she says today.She has not one alibi. She doesn't need any part of you because she has all her own.
She wants today. She wants a partner, an equal, a beautiful addition to her already beautiful life. The most beautiful blessing in all of this, and dear god does she wish you could be a fly on the wall to hear how innocently she prays, is that the man that she loves will ALWAYS be enough....Because SHE is enough.
This person is whole. All on her own. Without validation, or compliments or a collection of lost souls she fabricated together to replace her own missing heart. She wants today, but not because she needs. Simply because the things that she desires most in life are only an added bonus to what she already has. She doesn't need them to bury herself in to hide from how she really feels, or what shes really thinking. Those sick thoughts. That overpowering committee in her head was the only thing she was able to hear.
Aside from the many toxic substances that poisoned her body, she was corroded with lost love song lyrics, and the dignity of everyone around her. Her greatest flaw was that she believed she was powerful beyond measure. The universes greatest flaw was that it had been true. That tiny little green eyed number with her long brown hair, and her heart of nothingness NEEDED more than she could have even bargained for. The gaping hole in her chest could be plugged....for a time...with anything. Anything that could love her long enough to be able to breathe again. Although it never lasted. They never lasted. Those pieces of their hearts could not survive inside her own. They didn't speak the same language. The intent was never to rob these people. The intent was never to hurt them, but she always knew exactly what she had to do to stop the pain.
To say that for 24 years she was half a person would be a lie. She was an empty shell of a human being. She was dead. Every one of her casualties were of gods beautiful making, but they were never going to be enough....Because she was never enough. Maybe the beach house will cure it. Maybe the desperation in their voices. Maybe the frothy emotional fucking appeal. NO. None of it.
That woman hit her knees like she had never prayed before in her entire life. She let it go. All of it. She can look you in the eyes today. You can trust every word she says today.She has not one alibi. She doesn't need any part of you because she has all her own.
She wants today. She wants a partner, an equal, a beautiful addition to her already beautiful life. The most beautiful blessing in all of this, and dear god does she wish you could be a fly on the wall to hear how innocently she prays, is that the man that she loves will ALWAYS be enough....Because SHE is enough.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Kevin
I'm trying to patch the pieces of your life together. Of all of the places that you've been, and the hundreds of people who have touched your heart before my gentle hands. The movements of the countless bodies beneath the sheets that have felt the most vulnerable parts of you. My god do I wonder what those eyes have seen. The pain they've known. Those finger tips have grazed the faces of living angels, but those hands themselves have carried the weight of a thousand worlds.
I see the scars. I need not wonder where they came from. Be them big or small. Those hidden markings are what draw me near to you. The ones that cut so deep beneath the surface that trace the road map of the horrible things you've seen. Every broken piece of you that lingers was just waiting to heal me. To match perfectly to the open wounds of mine that time has stolen.
My whole world plays like an old movie reel inside your heart. Time and distance do no injustice to our story. We have lived one life my sweetheart in two separate vessels ....our hearts beat out of rhythm, but I can bet you this life that it is the same exact song. ..." I have died every day waiting for you..."
In the end, those patchwork tragedies have stitched their way back together. Not to cover up the wreckage that circumstance has allowed, but to guide me through the inevitable truth I am so honestly seeking. I need to know that I am not the only one that has held you. That has shared those delicate pieces of your life. It is truly humbling to know that I am not the only one that hears the song that is in your soul. Those others may know the melody, but me my love. I am the only one who knows the words.
Kevin
I see the scars. I need not wonder where they came from. Be them big or small. Those hidden markings are what draw me near to you. The ones that cut so deep beneath the surface that trace the road map of the horrible things you've seen. Every broken piece of you that lingers was just waiting to heal me. To match perfectly to the open wounds of mine that time has stolen.
My whole world plays like an old movie reel inside your heart. Time and distance do no injustice to our story. We have lived one life my sweetheart in two separate vessels ....our hearts beat out of rhythm, but I can bet you this life that it is the same exact song. ..." I have died every day waiting for you..."
In the end, those patchwork tragedies have stitched their way back together. Not to cover up the wreckage that circumstance has allowed, but to guide me through the inevitable truth I am so honestly seeking. I need to know that I am not the only one that has held you. That has shared those delicate pieces of your life. It is truly humbling to know that I am not the only one that hears the song that is in your soul. Those others may know the melody, but me my love. I am the only one who knows the words.
Kevin
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Burn
There are things in this world that we suffer from. Things that set the wheels in motions, and tangle up our insides. There are people that we love so fuckin much that it kills us to even dream of what their reality could be. We spend our days hoping that it will all turn out alright, but never really trusting that it will. We suffer from ourselves. From the exposed nerve in the back of our brain that senses danger in its most innocent of forms.We are human.
You my dear, I love you. You know all of the truth you carry deep within you. You have mastered in your lifetime how to feel so many things, yet feel absolutely nothing at all. What a beautiful tragedy to be able to have numbed ourselves unapologetically for years. To be so far removed from life that we are unable to feel even happiness correctly. We thought we were safe.
I know that in your life today " You see demons." I know that the reality is still far worse than the fantasy most days. It was easier to be a moth on a flame than a fly on the wall. Although the truth may be hard. I will never deny you the ability to feel the pain. To feel anything at all. If it hurts I know I'm trying, and if it burns than I know i'm still alive.
"This burn in me is the coolest thing that i've ever felt..."
I want you to hate the uncomfortability. I want you to love the fact that your just a whole regular sobby emotion infested individual. To hell with whats happening. I am so grateful that you can feel anything at all.
Today we trust. Today we grow.
You my dear, I love you. You know all of the truth you carry deep within you. You have mastered in your lifetime how to feel so many things, yet feel absolutely nothing at all. What a beautiful tragedy to be able to have numbed ourselves unapologetically for years. To be so far removed from life that we are unable to feel even happiness correctly. We thought we were safe.
I know that in your life today " You see demons." I know that the reality is still far worse than the fantasy most days. It was easier to be a moth on a flame than a fly on the wall. Although the truth may be hard. I will never deny you the ability to feel the pain. To feel anything at all. If it hurts I know I'm trying, and if it burns than I know i'm still alive.
"This burn in me is the coolest thing that i've ever felt..."
I want you to hate the uncomfortability. I want you to love the fact that your just a whole regular sobby emotion infested individual. To hell with whats happening. I am so grateful that you can feel anything at all.
Today we trust. Today we grow.
Monday, June 30, 2014
And you are??
What is it that defines you?......What makes up the very essence of who you are?
Is it how tall you are? or how much you weigh?
Your hair, eye, skin color?
How old you are?
Is it your name? your gender?
NO! Those things are not who you are. Those things are visual.They are geographical, and stereotypical, and cliche.
I'll tell you exactly who you are.
You are your favorite songs, and all the lyrics that constantly get trapped inside your head. You are all of those lingering thoughts.The bad ones, ya know, the ones you wouldn't tell a soul. You are your collection of geeky romantic comedy dvds, and the comic book clippings pasted to your fridge. You are the variety of fruity flavored oatmeal you eat on Sunday mornin....
And you are even more than that...
You are a compilation of senseless tears, hollow prayers, and crooked smiles. You are those funny faces you make at yourself while you're getting dressed for work, or the mini air guitar rock band you create as you're driving in the car. You are that innocence that only god sees when you fall to your knees at night.
You are a million little things.
You are where you came from, but more so you are where you are going.
If you don't mind...I'd love to come too.
Is it how tall you are? or how much you weigh?
Your hair, eye, skin color?
How old you are?
Is it your name? your gender?
NO! Those things are not who you are. Those things are visual.They are geographical, and stereotypical, and cliche.
I'll tell you exactly who you are.
You are your favorite songs, and all the lyrics that constantly get trapped inside your head. You are all of those lingering thoughts.The bad ones, ya know, the ones you wouldn't tell a soul. You are your collection of geeky romantic comedy dvds, and the comic book clippings pasted to your fridge. You are the variety of fruity flavored oatmeal you eat on Sunday mornin....
And you are even more than that...
You are a compilation of senseless tears, hollow prayers, and crooked smiles. You are those funny faces you make at yourself while you're getting dressed for work, or the mini air guitar rock band you create as you're driving in the car. You are that innocence that only god sees when you fall to your knees at night.
You are a million little things.
You are where you came from, but more so you are where you are going.
If you don't mind...I'd love to come too.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Consequences
I've come to a point in my life where I am beginning to realize that I am not immune to feeling the pain of all the poor choices that I make. My power has returned to be able to make choices on my own free will. With this god given power I need to remember that although I am thinking clearly, left to my own devices, I may still choose very poorly. Today the consequences of my actions are vital. They are a painfully important lesson in this journey I call life. In my past I knew not that I was behaving ridiculously. I had no idea that I was unreasonable. When I act that way now boy does it show.
In my addiction I, like many others, had lost entirely my power of choice. The decisions I made were no longer on my own accord. They were made on impulse, and built upon years and years of mistrust, abuse, and desperation. The gears in my head kept turning and turning and grinding and grinding. They made irresponsible and highly irrational choices. My thoughts came in pairs. Plan A and B. A plan to get in, and an equally clever plan to get out. I have to say though that even my worst ideas always had the best of intentions.
The fog has cleared away. What a miracle for a lost prophet such as myself. This alcoholic brain of mine unfortunately does not take a day off. It has a default mode. Every 24 hours that pass it sets it self right back to where it started. So I wake up every day of my life being 11yrs old again. Needing to configure age appropriateness, responsibilities, and expectations. I am forced, in my daily reprieve, to let go of all I thought I knew, and have faith in something bigger than me.
My heart held a pain that to this day is still too horribly difficult to describe in words. It drug along a sadness that spoke to me in tongues. It made me hallucinate....fantasize....crave the unquenchable thirst of a love I was to never know. It would tell me lies that I would be forced to believe. I would defend those half truths, and manipulate them into words my feeble heart was able to understand. It was so loud. It is still so very loud. My mind yearned for salvation. It yearned for quiet...It is still searching for that silence.
In my addiction I, like many others, had lost entirely my power of choice. The decisions I made were no longer on my own accord. They were made on impulse, and built upon years and years of mistrust, abuse, and desperation. The gears in my head kept turning and turning and grinding and grinding. They made irresponsible and highly irrational choices. My thoughts came in pairs. Plan A and B. A plan to get in, and an equally clever plan to get out. I have to say though that even my worst ideas always had the best of intentions.
The fog has cleared away. What a miracle for a lost prophet such as myself. This alcoholic brain of mine unfortunately does not take a day off. It has a default mode. Every 24 hours that pass it sets it self right back to where it started. So I wake up every day of my life being 11yrs old again. Needing to configure age appropriateness, responsibilities, and expectations. I am forced, in my daily reprieve, to let go of all I thought I knew, and have faith in something bigger than me.
My heart held a pain that to this day is still too horribly difficult to describe in words. It drug along a sadness that spoke to me in tongues. It made me hallucinate....fantasize....crave the unquenchable thirst of a love I was to never know. It would tell me lies that I would be forced to believe. I would defend those half truths, and manipulate them into words my feeble heart was able to understand. It was so loud. It is still so very loud. My mind yearned for salvation. It yearned for quiet...It is still searching for that silence.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
The way I do
Do they want you the way that I do? I can't imagine so..
I feel every inch of your body without even touching you. I have memorized every curve. Tracing you with only my thoughts and the gracefulness of my finger tips. How I long to know what you must taste like. Is it a flavor all your own. Will it match up to the way you smell, the color of your beautiful eyes or the way your porcelain skin feels as it ever so slightly grazes mine...
Do you dream about me the same way that I dream about you. In the day time... all day long. I'm dreaming as I look at you. Eyes wide open. I see you in every shade of the rainbow, but mostly in black and white. That is the kind of man you are. You're hot and then you're cold. You're all in and then once the fear rears its ugly head, you my dear, are all out once again. You don't know how i'ts supposed to feel. You think you know. You see me. You see me through those same eyes that follow me around the room. The same eyes that speak to me in only our secret language. You need me. And I need you.
You're lost my child. Things aren't always how they are supposed to be. The plan has hills and valleys and many many roads less traveled by. There are detours and stop signs and green lights. Go. Go where the wind takes your crazy mind. Go to where your thoughts wander when you sleep. I am there. The gentle wind, like my hand, will guide you to where you have always belonged.
They don't want you like I do.
I feel every inch of your body without even touching you. I have memorized every curve. Tracing you with only my thoughts and the gracefulness of my finger tips. How I long to know what you must taste like. Is it a flavor all your own. Will it match up to the way you smell, the color of your beautiful eyes or the way your porcelain skin feels as it ever so slightly grazes mine...
Do you dream about me the same way that I dream about you. In the day time... all day long. I'm dreaming as I look at you. Eyes wide open. I see you in every shade of the rainbow, but mostly in black and white. That is the kind of man you are. You're hot and then you're cold. You're all in and then once the fear rears its ugly head, you my dear, are all out once again. You don't know how i'ts supposed to feel. You think you know. You see me. You see me through those same eyes that follow me around the room. The same eyes that speak to me in only our secret language. You need me. And I need you.
You're lost my child. Things aren't always how they are supposed to be. The plan has hills and valleys and many many roads less traveled by. There are detours and stop signs and green lights. Go. Go where the wind takes your crazy mind. Go to where your thoughts wander when you sleep. I am there. The gentle wind, like my hand, will guide you to where you have always belonged.
They don't want you like I do.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Daily Reprieve
I'm not sure exactly where to start this post. I want to vent and say how stressed out I am. I want to say that I don't feel like showing up for life sometimes. I want to scream when I think about having to pray in the morning, and at night, and all day long. I want to scream when they tell me I have to right my wrongs, and turn everything over to god. I want to tell you that the thought of not being able to drink again for the REST OF MY LIFE drives a spike in the back of my head. I want to tell you so many things about how being an alcoholic really jams me up...But I won't.
Instead I'm going to choose to tell you why it makes my life worth living. How it steps in when the rest of the world, including myself, has stepped out. It doesn't say " oh, this girl again." It says " I'm still here. Where have you been?" God says No when my crazy mind says yes. He also says yes when that same crazy mind convinces me I can no longer go on.
Life gets hard. Life has been hard more often than not. The hurtles vary in size and the hoops become less difficult to jump through especially in my sobriety. I can at least clearly see the hoop now ( ha ha). There are days when I simply want to cry. I don't want a remedy or a thousand words of advice. I know what to do. I did not survive this long as an alcoholic because I was unintelligent. Studies have proven that people with addiction are 3% smarter than the average human being. Hmmm. This is merely a simple program for a bunch of complicated people.
I know the drill. I do not drink or drug under any circumstances what so ever. And I don't. It does not mean that I don't think about it. There is an old timer in the rooms with me who says. " If you didn't think about drinkin every damn day of your life than you wouldn't be a f*ckin alcoholic. We don't act on those thoughts. That's just what we do!!" He is right. Of course my twisted mind will always go straight to the easiest source. Of course it will automatically choose the " easiest" way out. I am so blessed today to know that my minds definition of easy is not in all actuality the correct definition.
If I know one thing better than addiction, It's recovery.
Today I am able to cry. To soothe myself without a chemical. Sometimes mole hills to me look bigger than mountains. Sometimes my fears outweigh my faith. That is normal. In 7 months of sobriety I learned that life still happens. I am not the center of the universe, even of my own. I learned that god gives me what I can handle....I've also learned that he must think I am pretty damn strong. I do this when I'm happy, when I feel good, when I'm so full of AA that I explode. More importantly than not I do this when I feel like shit, when I feel angry, and best of all when I don't want to. Not my choice today. For that I am grateful.
Instead I'm going to choose to tell you why it makes my life worth living. How it steps in when the rest of the world, including myself, has stepped out. It doesn't say " oh, this girl again." It says " I'm still here. Where have you been?" God says No when my crazy mind says yes. He also says yes when that same crazy mind convinces me I can no longer go on.
Life gets hard. Life has been hard more often than not. The hurtles vary in size and the hoops become less difficult to jump through especially in my sobriety. I can at least clearly see the hoop now ( ha ha). There are days when I simply want to cry. I don't want a remedy or a thousand words of advice. I know what to do. I did not survive this long as an alcoholic because I was unintelligent. Studies have proven that people with addiction are 3% smarter than the average human being. Hmmm. This is merely a simple program for a bunch of complicated people.
I know the drill. I do not drink or drug under any circumstances what so ever. And I don't. It does not mean that I don't think about it. There is an old timer in the rooms with me who says. " If you didn't think about drinkin every damn day of your life than you wouldn't be a f*ckin alcoholic. We don't act on those thoughts. That's just what we do!!" He is right. Of course my twisted mind will always go straight to the easiest source. Of course it will automatically choose the " easiest" way out. I am so blessed today to know that my minds definition of easy is not in all actuality the correct definition.
If I know one thing better than addiction, It's recovery.
Today I am able to cry. To soothe myself without a chemical. Sometimes mole hills to me look bigger than mountains. Sometimes my fears outweigh my faith. That is normal. In 7 months of sobriety I learned that life still happens. I am not the center of the universe, even of my own. I learned that god gives me what I can handle....I've also learned that he must think I am pretty damn strong. I do this when I'm happy, when I feel good, when I'm so full of AA that I explode. More importantly than not I do this when I feel like shit, when I feel angry, and best of all when I don't want to. Not my choice today. For that I am grateful.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
limitless
As I sit here I ponder numbers. The number of days I've been alive, inlove, in the wrong. The number of countless times I justified my poor behaviors, or wasted countless periods of time being filled with fear or anger or my favorite of course, ego. Those numerals I find myself adding up are just that. Simple numbers. 1 precedes 2 and 2 precedes 3. It all began with 1. 1 person, 1 woman, this woman.
Today I begin with 3. I begin with 2 things before myself always. Alcoholics Anonymous and God himself. Forget the hundreds of times I have cried, or lied or pleaded with anyone around me. Forget the thousands of toxic substances I ingested. The hearts I've broken, the lines I've crossed. The numbers. Oh my god the numbers.
I do not regret my life. I do not look back and wish I had done it differently. Those mistakes, those people, those dry goods and endless quantities of alcohol were exactly where they needed to be when they needed to be. The limitless lengths of my addictions were necessary for the limitless growth in my recovery.
I do not keep track of such nonsense today. How many days I have left on this earth or how many minutes left in the day. I pray for daylight, for more days...however many god will allow me. I pray for forever within those numbered days. I pray to keep those 3 things together to the best of my ability so that I am worthy of all of the infinite beautiful gifts this life has to offer.
Today I begin with 3. I begin with 2 things before myself always. Alcoholics Anonymous and God himself. Forget the hundreds of times I have cried, or lied or pleaded with anyone around me. Forget the thousands of toxic substances I ingested. The hearts I've broken, the lines I've crossed. The numbers. Oh my god the numbers.
I do not regret my life. I do not look back and wish I had done it differently. Those mistakes, those people, those dry goods and endless quantities of alcohol were exactly where they needed to be when they needed to be. The limitless lengths of my addictions were necessary for the limitless growth in my recovery.
I do not keep track of such nonsense today. How many days I have left on this earth or how many minutes left in the day. I pray for daylight, for more days...however many god will allow me. I pray for forever within those numbered days. I pray to keep those 3 things together to the best of my ability so that I am worthy of all of the infinite beautiful gifts this life has to offer.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Weren't there?
There were good times. There had to be...uncontrollable laughter or smiles or hands upon sweaty hands. Cheeks upon softer sweeter familiar cheeks. Kisses weren't there kisses..somewhere. In the park, or out front in the school yard. How about when we said our prayers at night.
What about the funerals. All of those tears shed for those whose names we had to look on the service cards to be able to spell to write the countless thank you cards to people we were hardly thankful to have seen.
Did I know them. Did we share those unspeakable moments in the sunshine? So much gray. I see so much gray some days. Varying shades of charcoal sketched visions of what should be colorful vivid memories. Silver...Is that a shade of gray? Where was that silver lining? lighting the way to new days, or paths or hands to shake. To bright eyes and silly smiles.
We're here together but we're lonely. We're standing side by side yet vastly miles and miles apart in the way our internal clocks keep the time of how long that's past since we've been present in these moments.
I know there were. I just know it. I can hardly remember, but I will ALWAYS refuse to forget.
What about the funerals. All of those tears shed for those whose names we had to look on the service cards to be able to spell to write the countless thank you cards to people we were hardly thankful to have seen.
Did I know them. Did we share those unspeakable moments in the sunshine? So much gray. I see so much gray some days. Varying shades of charcoal sketched visions of what should be colorful vivid memories. Silver...Is that a shade of gray? Where was that silver lining? lighting the way to new days, or paths or hands to shake. To bright eyes and silly smiles.
We're here together but we're lonely. We're standing side by side yet vastly miles and miles apart in the way our internal clocks keep the time of how long that's past since we've been present in these moments.
I know there were. I just know it. I can hardly remember, but I will ALWAYS refuse to forget.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
she dreams in color
She dreamed of fairy tale endings and of a prince charming all her own. Every little girls dream of being the princess of her own beautifully romantic love story. She believed in candy coated unicorns, and so many other things that just simply aren't real.
In her mind she can paint the town her favorite colors, and the world will always know her name. Her former lovers will shout from the roofs tops what a gem she was. No one really knows the horror that she feels.
What they'll never know is that those spray paint soaked streets hold lies beneath their thick acrylic barrier. Symbolically holding all the truths behind her shallow existence. Somewhere she is buried beneath the multicolored prison she's created in her mind.
One day he will find her caught between the shadows of her soul. Slightly blending the reds and greens and blues. finishing the portrait she had envisioned in her mind. Her tough hands were simply not gentle enough to make sense of what she saw...He knew in his heart that she was better than the things that she had seen.
He painted her by minutes, and hours, and days spend lost in her thoughts. He did not paint her by number, but by letter. By every letter of every word she ever spoke to him.
That little girl was living in a fairy tale. Her fairy tale. In color.
In her mind she can paint the town her favorite colors, and the world will always know her name. Her former lovers will shout from the roofs tops what a gem she was. No one really knows the horror that she feels.
What they'll never know is that those spray paint soaked streets hold lies beneath their thick acrylic barrier. Symbolically holding all the truths behind her shallow existence. Somewhere she is buried beneath the multicolored prison she's created in her mind.
One day he will find her caught between the shadows of her soul. Slightly blending the reds and greens and blues. finishing the portrait she had envisioned in her mind. Her tough hands were simply not gentle enough to make sense of what she saw...He knew in his heart that she was better than the things that she had seen.
He painted her by minutes, and hours, and days spend lost in her thoughts. He did not paint her by number, but by letter. By every letter of every word she ever spoke to him.
That little girl was living in a fairy tale. Her fairy tale. In color.
Friday, April 25, 2014
and they live on...
She could trace the detailed lines of his body with only her vivid memory of the first night they slept together. She could draw road maps across his silky skin. Each scar would resemble one of the places on her journey where she had felt defeated. Completely earth shatteringly alone. Permanent markers, memorials even, of the tiny parts of her that have died along the way.
He had small patches of dryness around his hands. A break from the velvet soft multi colored masterpiece that covered him from head to toe. The body paint forever stained on his human canvas displays portraits of the broken hearted boy he used to be.
Through his rough hands she can feel every fist clenched argument he faced, and every solitary blood soaked tear he shed. Drying out the bruise stained skin that covered his fragile fingers.
Neither one of them were alone anymore. Their limbs entangled in the same eternal formation as the veins are in a barely beating vessel. Her jagged smile breathed new life into that heartbroken boy, and his idle hands mended her long deceased memories.
And they live on....
He had small patches of dryness around his hands. A break from the velvet soft multi colored masterpiece that covered him from head to toe. The body paint forever stained on his human canvas displays portraits of the broken hearted boy he used to be.
Through his rough hands she can feel every fist clenched argument he faced, and every solitary blood soaked tear he shed. Drying out the bruise stained skin that covered his fragile fingers.
Neither one of them were alone anymore. Their limbs entangled in the same eternal formation as the veins are in a barely beating vessel. Her jagged smile breathed new life into that heartbroken boy, and his idle hands mended her long deceased memories.
And they live on....
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Im not the only one who knows
How come some people can move on and some cant. How come some hold all of that pain inside of them. The regret strangles them, and the fear of moving on or letting go or even giving in is simply crippling. How come some people can cut losses and start a new path so quickly. Are things easier for them?
What ever happens to the thinkers? The ones whose hearts can paint the mysterious portrait of the black night sky with only a single memory. Do they idly linger in the space between coming and going? Turning their confused minds right to left then back to right again. Do they not see the hope that the future promises?
How about the quiet ones. The ones that exist in the stillness harboring a bomb where their heart should be and an overly used brain that plays tricks on itself. Do they dream? The rage. The self destructive hatred towards themselves for not being able to fucking move. They must sleep with their eyes wide open because god forbid that blind love stares them directly in the face.
Open those pretty eyes you feeble bastard. Life awaits you
What ever happens to the thinkers? The ones whose hearts can paint the mysterious portrait of the black night sky with only a single memory. Do they idly linger in the space between coming and going? Turning their confused minds right to left then back to right again. Do they not see the hope that the future promises?
How about the quiet ones. The ones that exist in the stillness harboring a bomb where their heart should be and an overly used brain that plays tricks on itself. Do they dream? The rage. The self destructive hatred towards themselves for not being able to fucking move. They must sleep with their eyes wide open because god forbid that blind love stares them directly in the face.
Open those pretty eyes you feeble bastard. Life awaits you
Sunday, April 13, 2014
8:30 am thoughts
8:30am rolled around and I was awake on my own free will feeling like a million bucks. Making coffee, checking facebook ( haha ), and texting some important people is how I chose to start my day. I ate a bagel and sat down on my porch to write.
What a beautiful moment in time when I can just sit in silence in the sunshine that's pouring in my window. Watch the birds flutter by without a care in the world, and finally in my own life understand what it means to be FREE.
I was a lot like those birds out there. I'd move around from place to place not staying anywhere too long. Dropping in on unsuspecting prey, having my way with them, feeding off of them, and than abruptly flying away. I'd pick them apart in a desperate search of whatever it was about them that satisfied me...something to soothe the yearning in my soul for that second. It was never enough. Not even the mightiest of lions could have produced enough power to appease me.
You couldn't tell it NO. This driving force beneath my skin and bones. You could look it dead in the face, and there was absolutely no backing down under any and all circumstances. The warm sensation flowing through my body, the slight slur in speech, and absent minded thoughts were sickeningly powerful. The desire came before any rational thoughts, it knew of no boundaries or limitations. IT was all things.
Today I am all things...with God of course. I am like those birds now in a sense that I soar around and spend a little time with everyone here and there instead of rushing past.I enjoy all of the stops... Somedays I linger longer than others. I still take but I only ever take what I need. No more or less. Filling up so that I can give it back. Rushing ONLY to my next stop in my crazy life to drop a little of the goodness I've collected elsewhere. Today I am still everywhere, but....
I am free.....
What a beautiful moment in time when I can just sit in silence in the sunshine that's pouring in my window. Watch the birds flutter by without a care in the world, and finally in my own life understand what it means to be FREE.
I was a lot like those birds out there. I'd move around from place to place not staying anywhere too long. Dropping in on unsuspecting prey, having my way with them, feeding off of them, and than abruptly flying away. I'd pick them apart in a desperate search of whatever it was about them that satisfied me...something to soothe the yearning in my soul for that second. It was never enough. Not even the mightiest of lions could have produced enough power to appease me.
You couldn't tell it NO. This driving force beneath my skin and bones. You could look it dead in the face, and there was absolutely no backing down under any and all circumstances. The warm sensation flowing through my body, the slight slur in speech, and absent minded thoughts were sickeningly powerful. The desire came before any rational thoughts, it knew of no boundaries or limitations. IT was all things.
Today I am all things...with God of course. I am like those birds now in a sense that I soar around and spend a little time with everyone here and there instead of rushing past.I enjoy all of the stops... Somedays I linger longer than others. I still take but I only ever take what I need. No more or less. Filling up so that I can give it back. Rushing ONLY to my next stop in my crazy life to drop a little of the goodness I've collected elsewhere. Today I am still everywhere, but....
I am free.....
Thursday, April 3, 2014
My World
Some how, nothing has changed...yet EVERYTHING has changed. I think it's my perspective.
Today I feel the best I have in a long time. It was an ordinary day. Didn't sleep in too long, or have anything incredible to eat for breakfast, lunch or dinner. I didn't cure world hunger or take a trip around the world. Although some how my little world felt just right.
I wake up every day, and CHOOSE to remind myself that I am a sick woman. I know that is a controversial topic, and I should probably wake up everyday and tell myself that I am strong, and confident and all that jazz. Those things I know. I have been through enough tragedy in my life to know that I can survive. I have had enough relationships to be confident, and I have been weak enough to finally know how strong I really am. The sickness is what I forget....
I am an alcoholic in every sense of the word. I can forget in a milisecond that living on my own free will is deadly. I can forget the horrors of a month, a week or even a moment ago. My ability to make a snap emotion filled impulse based decision is uncanny. I can rock my own world harder than Neil Young was rockin it in the free world if ya know what I'm sayin. I need to know that I'm not quite right sometimes...that keeps it green for me. Once I start thinkin i'm up there with God is when things start goin horribly wrong down here on earth.
I am blessed today to have gained back my power of choice. To see things for what they truely are and not for the fantasized ideological version of them I have made up in my head. When bad things happen, and by bad things I don't just mean shitty circumstances, I mean anything that doesn't necessarily go my way gets thrown in that category also. But when those things crop up I can stop and breathe, and realize that they will pass. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly....but indefinitely.
I am happy to be alive. Whether there's heartache or happiness. I will choose to be happy for that moment. For all of those moments. They will all come together one day in the grand scheme of things, and I will call them MY LIFE.
Today I feel the best I have in a long time. It was an ordinary day. Didn't sleep in too long, or have anything incredible to eat for breakfast, lunch or dinner. I didn't cure world hunger or take a trip around the world. Although some how my little world felt just right.
I wake up every day, and CHOOSE to remind myself that I am a sick woman. I know that is a controversial topic, and I should probably wake up everyday and tell myself that I am strong, and confident and all that jazz. Those things I know. I have been through enough tragedy in my life to know that I can survive. I have had enough relationships to be confident, and I have been weak enough to finally know how strong I really am. The sickness is what I forget....
I am an alcoholic in every sense of the word. I can forget in a milisecond that living on my own free will is deadly. I can forget the horrors of a month, a week or even a moment ago. My ability to make a snap emotion filled impulse based decision is uncanny. I can rock my own world harder than Neil Young was rockin it in the free world if ya know what I'm sayin. I need to know that I'm not quite right sometimes...that keeps it green for me. Once I start thinkin i'm up there with God is when things start goin horribly wrong down here on earth.
I am blessed today to have gained back my power of choice. To see things for what they truely are and not for the fantasized ideological version of them I have made up in my head. When bad things happen, and by bad things I don't just mean shitty circumstances, I mean anything that doesn't necessarily go my way gets thrown in that category also. But when those things crop up I can stop and breathe, and realize that they will pass. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly....but indefinitely.
I am happy to be alive. Whether there's heartache or happiness. I will choose to be happy for that moment. For all of those moments. They will all come together one day in the grand scheme of things, and I will call them MY LIFE.
Monday, March 17, 2014
The beginning
She woke up on that October morning with a brand new out look on life. Scanning the room slowly with fresh eyes, and a puzzled look on her face. Seeing all of these once familiar things for the very first time... She stretched out her long, weightless limbs, and let out a sigh of relief that only a new day can bring.
The bed seemed a little bit bigger that day. The ceiling a little bit higher, and the windows shown through beams of sunlight she'd sworn she hadn't seen in years. Opening her mouth to yawn, the first gasp of crisp clean air hit the back of her throat, and then it occurred to her. She wasn't trapped anymore...she wasn't weighed down by the world.
No evil insane thoughts came rushing to the fore front of her mind. No obsessive compulsive ideas of self destruction or selfish acts of kindness. She wasn't in a rush to get anywhere, nor could she think of one place she needed to be. For the first time in her life....she was STILL, and she knew in that moment that she was very much ALIVE.
This new found silence would have strangled her before. It would have been the loudest thing she had ever heard. Where was the madness? Where were the voices inside her head...the devilish thoughts convincing her that she was justified in her manipulative ways? Most days her body would drag her through life with or without her feeble brain. Mindless would have been an understatement....Crazy would be more like it.
This was nice. This stillness.
She didn't question it. She lied there quietly beneath her baby blue comforter and FELT. She felt all those things she had left behind. And it wasn't scary...it was nice. Wow was it nice. I loved that, I mean, SHE couldn't have appreciated that morning anymore.
The bed seemed a little bit bigger that day. The ceiling a little bit higher, and the windows shown through beams of sunlight she'd sworn she hadn't seen in years. Opening her mouth to yawn, the first gasp of crisp clean air hit the back of her throat, and then it occurred to her. She wasn't trapped anymore...she wasn't weighed down by the world.
No evil insane thoughts came rushing to the fore front of her mind. No obsessive compulsive ideas of self destruction or selfish acts of kindness. She wasn't in a rush to get anywhere, nor could she think of one place she needed to be. For the first time in her life....she was STILL, and she knew in that moment that she was very much ALIVE.
This new found silence would have strangled her before. It would have been the loudest thing she had ever heard. Where was the madness? Where were the voices inside her head...the devilish thoughts convincing her that she was justified in her manipulative ways? Most days her body would drag her through life with or without her feeble brain. Mindless would have been an understatement....Crazy would be more like it.
This was nice. This stillness.
She didn't question it. She lied there quietly beneath her baby blue comforter and FELT. She felt all those things she had left behind. And it wasn't scary...it was nice. Wow was it nice. I loved that, I mean, SHE couldn't have appreciated that morning anymore.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
I know it now
My life can be pretty dreadful when I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It shows so much through my actions, and my words. It speaks volumes to how sick that I can still be.....
Today marks 5 months of total abstinence. I promise you it wasn't easy. To change my habits, my motives, to forget about my best friends ( drugs and alcohol ), and to force myself to take ownership over the things that I do today.
When I make mistakes...they aren't necessarily considered that anymore. Once you know what you are capable of, and the repercussions of your actions...those mistakes become choices, and those choices become very very bad decisions. Everyday that the sun peaks through my window, I am reminded of those choices that I've made. My sobriety also very casually reminds me that I need to feel those things today. Feel all those consequences, and take responsibility for all that I do.
The sickness in me is strong. It can easily pass the blame and justify highly unjustifiable thoughts in my mind. Those red flags easily show green and all engines roar. I can make up my mind in point 5 seconds, but the difference today is that I KNOW that I am wrong. I didn't know it then. I didn't see how I played the game...I didn't see that I was powerful beyond every stretch of the imagination. Knowing this, and than having to put out the fire is hard for an addictive person. Once I acknowledge my super power, the LAST thing I want to do is give it up.
My disease wants me to test the limits. It wants to spread me so thin that I crack, but I won't break.Not now...I refuse to let this compulsion decide my fate. I refuse to let obsessive thoughts pull my brain into unthinkable territories.
Today will be the day that I take back my life, and live the correct " normal " way.
Stay with me lord
Today marks 5 months of total abstinence. I promise you it wasn't easy. To change my habits, my motives, to forget about my best friends ( drugs and alcohol ), and to force myself to take ownership over the things that I do today.
When I make mistakes...they aren't necessarily considered that anymore. Once you know what you are capable of, and the repercussions of your actions...those mistakes become choices, and those choices become very very bad decisions. Everyday that the sun peaks through my window, I am reminded of those choices that I've made. My sobriety also very casually reminds me that I need to feel those things today. Feel all those consequences, and take responsibility for all that I do.
The sickness in me is strong. It can easily pass the blame and justify highly unjustifiable thoughts in my mind. Those red flags easily show green and all engines roar. I can make up my mind in point 5 seconds, but the difference today is that I KNOW that I am wrong. I didn't know it then. I didn't see how I played the game...I didn't see that I was powerful beyond every stretch of the imagination. Knowing this, and than having to put out the fire is hard for an addictive person. Once I acknowledge my super power, the LAST thing I want to do is give it up.
My disease wants me to test the limits. It wants to spread me so thin that I crack, but I won't break.Not now...I refuse to let this compulsion decide my fate. I refuse to let obsessive thoughts pull my brain into unthinkable territories.
Today will be the day that I take back my life, and live the correct " normal " way.
Stay with me lord
Monday, March 3, 2014
powerful
Ya know some days I think life is really really hard. I guess I should join the crowd right? There are days, many in fact, where I have contemplated the point of existence in general. Sometimes these lulls are only a few hours, sometimes they are days on end where my mind is just so absorbed in self deprecation that I can not see a resolution to the madness. You go through all the why mes? How come? What the hell?. you have no answers to these common questions because if you had even the slightest of a clue you wouldn't need to ask them at all. Let it go.
My step mom sent me a ring that I wear faithfully. It says " Hope is everlasting, be true to you". She will never understand how much those few small words mean to me. Hope itself is powerful. Hold On Pain Ends. That is so true. There is always an end to these spells of depression. God always has an answered to our unanswerable questions...patience is the only option a lot of the time. The one thing that we don't possess as alcoholics. What I have learned though is that the things I get right away I lose. I get it, whatever it may be, and it's like a game. Once I have it I see no point in it. Almost like a child that can't wait to open their new toy on Christmas only to find that an hour later he's playing with the box. Today I don't allow myself to take things so quickly no matter how bad I want them. Also I don't give myself so freely to those who are too eager.
The second part of that simple piece of jewelry is "be true to you". There are times in my life where I didn't know my ass from my elbow. I couldn't tell you who the president was or even where I had woken up that morning. I was a mess with a pretty smile and a pocketbook that like my soul carried the weight of the world. I could never get any higher than the lowest they've ever made me feel. So I sank. I forgot what life was about. I forgot how to live, who I was. If you would've called me I would cringe at the sound of my own name.
I am true to myself now. " my greatest fear is not that I am inadequate, it is that I am powerful beyond measure." That strength is used to be selfless today. It is used to speak my words carefully, and to give my emotions with grace in a timely manner. It is best used to love. Not to lust, to run or to fear, but to cast everything I thought I knew to the side, and to LIVE. To live WELL.
My step mom sent me a ring that I wear faithfully. It says " Hope is everlasting, be true to you". She will never understand how much those few small words mean to me. Hope itself is powerful. Hold On Pain Ends. That is so true. There is always an end to these spells of depression. God always has an answered to our unanswerable questions...patience is the only option a lot of the time. The one thing that we don't possess as alcoholics. What I have learned though is that the things I get right away I lose. I get it, whatever it may be, and it's like a game. Once I have it I see no point in it. Almost like a child that can't wait to open their new toy on Christmas only to find that an hour later he's playing with the box. Today I don't allow myself to take things so quickly no matter how bad I want them. Also I don't give myself so freely to those who are too eager.
The second part of that simple piece of jewelry is "be true to you". There are times in my life where I didn't know my ass from my elbow. I couldn't tell you who the president was or even where I had woken up that morning. I was a mess with a pretty smile and a pocketbook that like my soul carried the weight of the world. I could never get any higher than the lowest they've ever made me feel. So I sank. I forgot what life was about. I forgot how to live, who I was. If you would've called me I would cringe at the sound of my own name.
I am true to myself now. " my greatest fear is not that I am inadequate, it is that I am powerful beyond measure." That strength is used to be selfless today. It is used to speak my words carefully, and to give my emotions with grace in a timely manner. It is best used to love. Not to lust, to run or to fear, but to cast everything I thought I knew to the side, and to LIVE. To live WELL.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Plans
There have been so many times in my life where I felt as though God hated me, or the world was against me. I had thought I was being punished or tested or set up to fail. Today I realize that the universe is actually protecting me from my own perspective of " how its supposed to be". That maybe this life I envisioned for myself wasn't going to be all I had it cracked up to be, and I am so thankful for divine intervention.
As we grow up from childhood to adulthood, and then well into our later years we constantly build on the idea we get in our heads of how it should be. How we would like it to be...etc.. There are situations that I could not fathom, at the time atleast, playing out any differently. Say there was a boy I liked. My mind can be made up in two seconds that it hasssss to be him, or the reverse of that, someone likes me that may not be the person I invisioned in "my plan" and I write them off right from the start. Or say I've always wanted to live in California, but some how all arrows point to South Jersey. This list of circumstances could go on and on. From where I thought Id be at 25 or where I thought I should've went to school, or which pet I was meant to have.
At the end of the day I have realized that the only way it should've been is exactly the way it was and is. That I am only a human being and I can not possibly know what is always best for me or what my destiny is. I have forced my hand in so many situations. The anxiety would strangle me and I'd play devils advocate over and over again. It had gotten so crazy, the contorting, manipulating...cutting up puzzle pieces so they would fit the picture in my head, the only way my eyes could possibly see it. Ya know what I FAILED. I failed every single time because no matter how many alterations I made the pieces were never going to fit perfectly together. I would never have been able to survive the cost of living in California, and that boy I liked wouldn't be around after the fairy tale began to take a wicked turn.
I trust god now. After years of battling his will verse mine. After habitually questioning his logic to my addictive reasoning. Today I just go with it. I lose a job, ya know what that wasn't my calling. I lose a boyfriend, ya know what he wasn't the one. I live in south jersey because the big man has people here that he needs me to meet. People whose lives I can change and who can forever change mine. This unknown mystery not so planned plan is working much better than anything my sick mind could have created with the stereo types of how it should have been. And just for today I am ok with that.
As we grow up from childhood to adulthood, and then well into our later years we constantly build on the idea we get in our heads of how it should be. How we would like it to be...etc.. There are situations that I could not fathom, at the time atleast, playing out any differently. Say there was a boy I liked. My mind can be made up in two seconds that it hasssss to be him, or the reverse of that, someone likes me that may not be the person I invisioned in "my plan" and I write them off right from the start. Or say I've always wanted to live in California, but some how all arrows point to South Jersey. This list of circumstances could go on and on. From where I thought Id be at 25 or where I thought I should've went to school, or which pet I was meant to have.
At the end of the day I have realized that the only way it should've been is exactly the way it was and is. That I am only a human being and I can not possibly know what is always best for me or what my destiny is. I have forced my hand in so many situations. The anxiety would strangle me and I'd play devils advocate over and over again. It had gotten so crazy, the contorting, manipulating...cutting up puzzle pieces so they would fit the picture in my head, the only way my eyes could possibly see it. Ya know what I FAILED. I failed every single time because no matter how many alterations I made the pieces were never going to fit perfectly together. I would never have been able to survive the cost of living in California, and that boy I liked wouldn't be around after the fairy tale began to take a wicked turn.
I trust god now. After years of battling his will verse mine. After habitually questioning his logic to my addictive reasoning. Today I just go with it. I lose a job, ya know what that wasn't my calling. I lose a boyfriend, ya know what he wasn't the one. I live in south jersey because the big man has people here that he needs me to meet. People whose lives I can change and who can forever change mine. This unknown mystery not so planned plan is working much better than anything my sick mind could have created with the stereo types of how it should have been. And just for today I am ok with that.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
understand
I think that god is trying to really tell me something this time. He is constantly testing my will...he knows me too well. He knows that I like to force my hand in things, and push my limits and those of everyone around me. Self will run riot right?...His will is the only one worth focusing on. Patience is the key. Wasn't blessed with that ability...to patiently wait for things. I am an addicted individual. If it isn't right now, it's never. If it isn't instantly gratifying, it isn't worth it. BE STILL SAM....you have been so sadly mistaken.
I have been know to make hasty decisions. I can do things ass backwards. Rushing, unconsciously throwing myself into mess upon mess of emotional webbing that I struggle time and time again to break free of. The tear drenched strands follow me, forever entangling me in new webs of lies and heartbreak.
I was sick then. Now is different. It's very different. I've learn to slow down. Crawling into situations, feeling them out. I do not use such beautiful sacred words in vein any longer. Today UNDERSTANDING what it means to love is incredibly and unexplainably more important than it is to simply go through the motions of loving. If that made sense.
Love isn't you say it and then I say it back. It isn't an emotion that is felt today and is fleeting tomorrow. It is in bad times, good times, painful turning points, and easy streets. It is a forever kind of thing, and it is to never be taken for granted. Sometimes it's the best when it feels the worst. That's when it's real. When you can look at the person, your heart is in shambles, and you couldn't possibly love them any more. That is living proof that miracles exist.
I have fled from the lives of those who have loved me, so it is only fair that life would throw me a curve ball. A lesson in my disease driven ways. What a painfully special reminder it has been to keep it green. I will choose to be brave today. To pick up my world, every heavy broken slice of it. It will not weigh me down, but it will allow me to grow.
I have been know to make hasty decisions. I can do things ass backwards. Rushing, unconsciously throwing myself into mess upon mess of emotional webbing that I struggle time and time again to break free of. The tear drenched strands follow me, forever entangling me in new webs of lies and heartbreak.
I was sick then. Now is different. It's very different. I've learn to slow down. Crawling into situations, feeling them out. I do not use such beautiful sacred words in vein any longer. Today UNDERSTANDING what it means to love is incredibly and unexplainably more important than it is to simply go through the motions of loving. If that made sense.
Love isn't you say it and then I say it back. It isn't an emotion that is felt today and is fleeting tomorrow. It is in bad times, good times, painful turning points, and easy streets. It is a forever kind of thing, and it is to never be taken for granted. Sometimes it's the best when it feels the worst. That's when it's real. When you can look at the person, your heart is in shambles, and you couldn't possibly love them any more. That is living proof that miracles exist.
I have fled from the lives of those who have loved me, so it is only fair that life would throw me a curve ball. A lesson in my disease driven ways. What a painfully special reminder it has been to keep it green. I will choose to be brave today. To pick up my world, every heavy broken slice of it. It will not weigh me down, but it will allow me to grow.
Friday, February 7, 2014
By faith not sight
He drove up in his old 1988 beat up Buick. His minds been racing since he got on the turnpike, and his palms began to sweat the moment he pulled up to her house. He drove 50 miles on a quarter tank of gas. The fuel lasting about 25, faith took it from there. He didn't care about the bridge tolls or the traffic lights....the cop cars or red flashing lights. He had to be somewhere.
She always had a purse full of all lifes necessities.Ready to run. God knows she never could stay anywhere long. Her hair pulled back in a messy bun, and the goosebumps permanently coating her fragile arms matched the chill in her soul.
She recognized the wrinkles on his forehead. They accompanied a puzzled look of astonishment, and fear...two things she knew oh too well. She had an uncanny ability to marvel at the ordinary. The day she met him she knew those small squiggly lines around his beautiful blue eyes were tiny road maps to all the places that he's ever felt alone. He would never know it, but she's traveled those same roads. He never had to be afraid for she had memorized all the paths. All of the hills and valleys. Her heart would never let her forget the way.
That mystery lived on in his chest until this long February night.
She lies alone in bed wrapped in her favorite tattered up white blanket staring emptily at the ceiling fan. Around, and around and around it goes. Where She'd stop, she didn't even know. She longed for someone who could quiet her insecurities. Someone to remind her of who she truly was. This human being would be able to taste the purity of her tears as they streamed down from her hollow eyes. They would feel the warmth of her skin regardless of how cold she swore her heart felt.
It was him, and he knew it. He could recall every curve of her body. All of the deepest, darkest, sickest parts of her. The parts that scared her to death. He needed her to know that he wasn't afraid.
He shut his rusty car door, and opened the cast iron entrance to the rest of his life. He crept down the hallway undetected, and stood beside her bed. He needed to take a moment just to look at her. To look at his whole world. Those painful avenues were right. They led him when he had thought he lost his way. Her green eyes cut through the darkness, and her lips met his for what felt like the first time...every single time, and she whispered " what took you so long". . . .
She always had a purse full of all lifes necessities.Ready to run. God knows she never could stay anywhere long. Her hair pulled back in a messy bun, and the goosebumps permanently coating her fragile arms matched the chill in her soul.
She recognized the wrinkles on his forehead. They accompanied a puzzled look of astonishment, and fear...two things she knew oh too well. She had an uncanny ability to marvel at the ordinary. The day she met him she knew those small squiggly lines around his beautiful blue eyes were tiny road maps to all the places that he's ever felt alone. He would never know it, but she's traveled those same roads. He never had to be afraid for she had memorized all the paths. All of the hills and valleys. Her heart would never let her forget the way.
That mystery lived on in his chest until this long February night.
She lies alone in bed wrapped in her favorite tattered up white blanket staring emptily at the ceiling fan. Around, and around and around it goes. Where She'd stop, she didn't even know. She longed for someone who could quiet her insecurities. Someone to remind her of who she truly was. This human being would be able to taste the purity of her tears as they streamed down from her hollow eyes. They would feel the warmth of her skin regardless of how cold she swore her heart felt.
It was him, and he knew it. He could recall every curve of her body. All of the deepest, darkest, sickest parts of her. The parts that scared her to death. He needed her to know that he wasn't afraid.
He shut his rusty car door, and opened the cast iron entrance to the rest of his life. He crept down the hallway undetected, and stood beside her bed. He needed to take a moment just to look at her. To look at his whole world. Those painful avenues were right. They led him when he had thought he lost his way. Her green eyes cut through the darkness, and her lips met his for what felt like the first time...every single time, and she whispered " what took you so long". . . .
Sunday, January 26, 2014
The Teacher
Last night was filled with so many beautifully surreal moments for me. It was the first time in my sobriety that my motives made perfect sense. Whatever feeling I felt was pure, it was natural...It was not forced or questioned. Every look, every slight of hand was with innocence and grace.
I have questioned every waking moment of my life for over 100 days now. Am I doing this right? Am I thinking clearly? Is this healthy, is that an option..is it a good option? Do I move or stand still, Do I listen or do I speak? This living thing has been quite the challenge. I am flawed. So very very flawed.
I work a little harder each day to make sure I maintain a solid level of sobriety. That I speak good word, but carry it out with equal actions. I try to do everything differently than I have been doing it for 24 years, and I still fall short. I can beat myself up pretty badly about that. Like why do I do these things? Why do I still think that unacceptable behaviors are acceptable? Why do I feel like I still know what's best?
I knew well before I realized I was an alcoholic that my motives could not be trusted. I couldn't make up my mind as to where I wanted to eat lunch or what color outfit to wear to the 6th grade yet I was putting so much pressure on myself to pick a partner, or a major or be the first female president. I thought I could do everything, that I was the best girlfriend for every man in the world, or the best friend to all my friends. I thought I had it all figured out. My sick mind knew nothing my heart couldn't fake.
and I was wrong.
I had nothing. Everything I ever had...tangible, living, good or bad...they were all illusions. I was living in a delusion filled drug world where I believed every sick word I said with every beating of my heart. I wouldn't have hurt a fly yet everything around me was dying, including myself...and I know today that I was veryyyy much to blame.
Last night was the first time that I just knew. It was an "ahh haa" moment. I've been asking god to help me, to let me know when I find whatever it is I've been looking for my whole life. Let me hear the lesson when the teacher appears. Well my teacher appeared last night, quite literally, in a red thermal, and dark jeans. He was wearing the same charismatic smile I had left him with, and his hand still fit exactly in mine. Every ill thought had been removed , and I was left alone with faith. I have no reservations today about my life, or OUR life if it is gods will. I am free of the bondage of self and I have only one person to thank for that.
Thank you God for all you have given me.
I have questioned every waking moment of my life for over 100 days now. Am I doing this right? Am I thinking clearly? Is this healthy, is that an option..is it a good option? Do I move or stand still, Do I listen or do I speak? This living thing has been quite the challenge. I am flawed. So very very flawed.
I work a little harder each day to make sure I maintain a solid level of sobriety. That I speak good word, but carry it out with equal actions. I try to do everything differently than I have been doing it for 24 years, and I still fall short. I can beat myself up pretty badly about that. Like why do I do these things? Why do I still think that unacceptable behaviors are acceptable? Why do I feel like I still know what's best?
I knew well before I realized I was an alcoholic that my motives could not be trusted. I couldn't make up my mind as to where I wanted to eat lunch or what color outfit to wear to the 6th grade yet I was putting so much pressure on myself to pick a partner, or a major or be the first female president. I thought I could do everything, that I was the best girlfriend for every man in the world, or the best friend to all my friends. I thought I had it all figured out. My sick mind knew nothing my heart couldn't fake.
and I was wrong.
I had nothing. Everything I ever had...tangible, living, good or bad...they were all illusions. I was living in a delusion filled drug world where I believed every sick word I said with every beating of my heart. I wouldn't have hurt a fly yet everything around me was dying, including myself...and I know today that I was veryyyy much to blame.
Last night was the first time that I just knew. It was an "ahh haa" moment. I've been asking god to help me, to let me know when I find whatever it is I've been looking for my whole life. Let me hear the lesson when the teacher appears. Well my teacher appeared last night, quite literally, in a red thermal, and dark jeans. He was wearing the same charismatic smile I had left him with, and his hand still fit exactly in mine. Every ill thought had been removed , and I was left alone with faith. I have no reservations today about my life, or OUR life if it is gods will. I am free of the bondage of self and I have only one person to thank for that.
Thank you God for all you have given me.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
your partner
Lately the only thing that has been resonating in the for front of my mind is LOVE. Which is strange because that has kind of been a distant thought, considering my sobriety has trumped the importance of most things, as it should. Being the sober healthy woman that I am today I am able to start to use my now clear mind to try to remember the things I wanted in my life before I had become to lost to find them.
I wanted a lot of things...I wanted to be a a psychologist, an accountant, a restaurant owner...I wanted to own a huge house with a pool, drive a brand new car, take multiple vacations or if I was lucky even ONE vacation a DECADE. I wanted many things. Some were feasible some were dreams of sheer lunacy, but of all the things I can recall needing my main goal was always to be an incredible mother and an even better wife.
Even in my addiction, which was harder than you can imagine considering the areas in which my disease stems from, I tried with all I had to be a good girlfriend. My tools though were all very selfishly inspired then. I also had no idea of this until just recently. I was selfless, but at all the wrong times. I was loving when it was convenient and I was hateful when I deemed it necessary. I was the love of your life, and the devil on your shoulder. I was conflicted, and in turn conflicted those closest to me. How was I to expect to receive an amazing partner when all I was was broken.
Today I understand what it means to be a partner. I also know what I need out of the man that becomes MY partner. The grace i've learned has taught me how to truly love an individual, to accept their flaws, and to not condemn them as I had been so easily pardoned in the past, it is now a great honor of mine to learn that same forgiveness. I am told that expectations are bad, and that in Gods world the only thing I am to expect is that life is going to happen, and I am going to have to find a way to exist in the madness. Well personally I think some expectations are healthy especially when choosing your partner.
I only expect to get back what I put into my relationship. If I put in compassion, show me your innocence. If I extend my hand please always meet it with yours. When I am weak hold me with the same strength in your arms, as I will always find to hold you in my own.
I need someone who values their own life as much as I value their existence in my crazy world. Someone who also puts me third to god and to their sobriety. Someone who listens a little more and talks a little less, puts their cell phone down, or turns off the radio in the car when they know they hadn't prayed that day. I want the man I find to know what it means to sacrifice for me the way I will forever sacrifice my own devices for our relationship.
One day I will get exactly what I give, and today I am proud to be able to say that is LOVE.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
perfectly imperfect
I've been thinking a lot today. When I started this blog that would've been such a cliche statement, but to be honest I haven't been lost in too much thought lately....I've been choosing to really trust in god.
Well today was a little different. I prayed multiple times, I asked him, begged him really, to direct my thinking...Mainly though I asked him why?..
Of all the times I have called upon him with this simple phrase, this time was very different. Those three letters popped up a lot during my addiction, considering that all began when I was 11 years old, for the sake of it, I'll just say for the bulk of my young life I have thoroughly abused this question. Why me? Why am I hurting? Why am I high again, drunk again, lost again again and again? Why am I not the superhero I was sure I was? Why don't they like me, or love me, or why dooo they love me so much, and what the hell have I done? I could go on for pages..
Then today it dawned on me as I was asking god this oh too familiar inquiry...I should really be saying WHAT instead of WHY. What can I do to stop the hurting? What can I do to ensure I will no longer live as a sick person, a sick woman? What can I strive for that will make me of maximum service to my loved ones? I need action in my life not more questions that I lose sleep over.
Why means that I doubt myself, it means that I question my judgement, my way of life. What means that I am trying, that I am growing and learning as long as I keep asking.
When I got sober I wanted to turn everythinggg over to god. All of my character defects, all of my problems. I was finally willing. During this time and the few months to follow I realized I gave up literally everything I had. I forgot that even though those characteristics were defects, they were only that way because I was using them defectively. Some of my character traits were good and actually worth holding on to. So needless to say I've been walkin around kind of confused.
I put so much pressure on myself to do gods will alone that I forgot what the hell I was even doing. I forgot how to live in the mean time. I forgot the ability to feel as a human, and in turn the irony is that I carried out gods will so strongly that I started to decide what I thought his will was and what was right and wrong. Only an alcoholic can sit and depict what she thinks god is trying to say to fit what she wants to hear.
I need always to remember first that I am human, secondly that I am a very sick human, and thirdly that it is ok to live one way as long as I am not praying another. God expects me to fall inlove with the wrong people, to open the bag of pretzels when I haven't gotten to the register yet, but most of all he expects me to play in traffic because even though I am crazy, he knows that with him I will never get hurt.
Well today was a little different. I prayed multiple times, I asked him, begged him really, to direct my thinking...Mainly though I asked him why?..
Of all the times I have called upon him with this simple phrase, this time was very different. Those three letters popped up a lot during my addiction, considering that all began when I was 11 years old, for the sake of it, I'll just say for the bulk of my young life I have thoroughly abused this question. Why me? Why am I hurting? Why am I high again, drunk again, lost again again and again? Why am I not the superhero I was sure I was? Why don't they like me, or love me, or why dooo they love me so much, and what the hell have I done? I could go on for pages..
Then today it dawned on me as I was asking god this oh too familiar inquiry...I should really be saying WHAT instead of WHY. What can I do to stop the hurting? What can I do to ensure I will no longer live as a sick person, a sick woman? What can I strive for that will make me of maximum service to my loved ones? I need action in my life not more questions that I lose sleep over.
Why means that I doubt myself, it means that I question my judgement, my way of life. What means that I am trying, that I am growing and learning as long as I keep asking.
When I got sober I wanted to turn everythinggg over to god. All of my character defects, all of my problems. I was finally willing. During this time and the few months to follow I realized I gave up literally everything I had. I forgot that even though those characteristics were defects, they were only that way because I was using them defectively. Some of my character traits were good and actually worth holding on to. So needless to say I've been walkin around kind of confused.
I put so much pressure on myself to do gods will alone that I forgot what the hell I was even doing. I forgot how to live in the mean time. I forgot the ability to feel as a human, and in turn the irony is that I carried out gods will so strongly that I started to decide what I thought his will was and what was right and wrong. Only an alcoholic can sit and depict what she thinks god is trying to say to fit what she wants to hear.
I need always to remember first that I am human, secondly that I am a very sick human, and thirdly that it is ok to live one way as long as I am not praying another. God expects me to fall inlove with the wrong people, to open the bag of pretzels when I haven't gotten to the register yet, but most of all he expects me to play in traffic because even though I am crazy, he knows that with him I will never get hurt.
Monday, January 20, 2014
bittersweet
My life is so bittersweet today, it's kind of a miracle...and when I say kind of, I mean indefinitely.
For starters I woke up sober today for the 96th day in a row. That is a blessing in itself that I did not feel the need today or for the past 95 days that preceded to ingest anything mood, mind or body altering to accomplish an entire day.
I slept in...I don't normally sleep so this was blessing number two of the day. I lie awake at night, and often times into the morning and torture myself with things I think I shouldve said or something I didn't do, but apparently at 3 oclock in the morning it is very apparent that these things were life or death.....RIGHTTT. Then I finally fall asleep. Mainly from exhaustion at this point. Only to wake in the morning and have vague recollection of what the hell was keeping me up to all hours of the night. Hey atleast I am able to worry. I didn't give a shit enough to even live for years so who am I to complain about my qualms. It's the small victories ya kno?
I laughed today. Blessing three....the list goes on and on. Mind you that's 3 small miracles all before noon. Gods work at its finest. This laugh though... It was genuine, and the humor wasn't used to mask emotions that my previous mentally and emotionally void self was unable to deal with. It wasn't used as a defense mechanism or a shield. It came from that very pit of my stomach, you know the place where all the good chuckles come from, the part that gives u a belly ache and a short lived case of heartburn..yea...it was just like that.
I got to spread some hope...a little bit all day long.It's a beautiful thing, first and foremost, to even have that to give. Especially when you get to share it with the hopeless. I've been one of them, it's a pain unlike any other. Who ever thought that just a smile can make someones day. I always smile. I used to hide behind it like a wounded soldier defending the last little bit of his integrity. It said " i'm fine" but if you know me well enough, at my worst it said " i'm breaking". I smile now because it feels nice to enjoy things...things that seemed so obsolete before. Like the sunshine or being able to find a dime on the ground and not feel the need to scavenge to seek out ninety more cents for it to be worth anything. Today a dime is 10 cents more then I had 5 minutes ago, not 90 cents short of a whole dollar.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful that I no longer have to miss those small victories, and that I am able to feel gratitude for all of lifes little miracles be them big or small. I am recovered today, I am not, nor will I ever be cured, but I am healthy and for me that is the most incredible miracle of all.
For starters I woke up sober today for the 96th day in a row. That is a blessing in itself that I did not feel the need today or for the past 95 days that preceded to ingest anything mood, mind or body altering to accomplish an entire day.
I slept in...I don't normally sleep so this was blessing number two of the day. I lie awake at night, and often times into the morning and torture myself with things I think I shouldve said or something I didn't do, but apparently at 3 oclock in the morning it is very apparent that these things were life or death.....RIGHTTT. Then I finally fall asleep. Mainly from exhaustion at this point. Only to wake in the morning and have vague recollection of what the hell was keeping me up to all hours of the night. Hey atleast I am able to worry. I didn't give a shit enough to even live for years so who am I to complain about my qualms. It's the small victories ya kno?
I laughed today. Blessing three....the list goes on and on. Mind you that's 3 small miracles all before noon. Gods work at its finest. This laugh though... It was genuine, and the humor wasn't used to mask emotions that my previous mentally and emotionally void self was unable to deal with. It wasn't used as a defense mechanism or a shield. It came from that very pit of my stomach, you know the place where all the good chuckles come from, the part that gives u a belly ache and a short lived case of heartburn..yea...it was just like that.
I got to spread some hope...a little bit all day long.It's a beautiful thing, first and foremost, to even have that to give. Especially when you get to share it with the hopeless. I've been one of them, it's a pain unlike any other. Who ever thought that just a smile can make someones day. I always smile. I used to hide behind it like a wounded soldier defending the last little bit of his integrity. It said " i'm fine" but if you know me well enough, at my worst it said " i'm breaking". I smile now because it feels nice to enjoy things...things that seemed so obsolete before. Like the sunshine or being able to find a dime on the ground and not feel the need to scavenge to seek out ninety more cents for it to be worth anything. Today a dime is 10 cents more then I had 5 minutes ago, not 90 cents short of a whole dollar.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful that I no longer have to miss those small victories, and that I am able to feel gratitude for all of lifes little miracles be them big or small. I am recovered today, I am not, nor will I ever be cured, but I am healthy and for me that is the most incredible miracle of all.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Do it!
What's with love?
It's not supposed to be easy, I get that, but does it have to be so hard?...
Love is the one emotion in the whole universe that baffles us like no other. It's beautiful, incredible, and incredibly TERRIFYING.It's REAL, and when it's real it's definitely real, but when it's not....well, its horribly painful borderline devastating, over the edge bat shit crazy.
We all want it, but than the moment we have it we piss it away 99% of the time.We can't handle it or we don't appreciate it until we feel the pain of losing it. Or we call it lust, which i'll get to later, and we chalk it up as a loss. If by sheer chance that we don't do any of those things and we become genuinely simpatico butterflies making me nauseous on the regular can't keep my hands, eyes, lips off of you kind of inlove, than you hold onto that. Fall inlove over and over again. A little more every day. Turned on not only by their dashing good looks, but with their mind...with every beautiful thought they think, with the way they smell, the way their voice sounds. How groggy they are in the morning or how they always take too long in the shower. Love them because not only do you need them...you WANT them, and only them every day...forever!
So than what's the deal with loneliness....we're needy us women, well us humans really...men are just as bad. We're lonely when we're not in a relationship, we're lonely when we are in a relationship and our partner just happens to not be around. or be in the same room or be up our ass where I tend to like to keep them for safety purposes of course...we're lonely when we're alone alone, we're lonely when we're surrounded by a ton of people,especially if they're not any of the people that we " want " necessarily. We become blind when we fall inlove. We see one person and one person only...which in marriage is a beautiful thing, or when your in an equally happy honest partnership, NOT when your inlove and the other person either doesn't have a clueeee about the way you feel OR when the person doessss know how you feel, and doesn't feel the same. Love man....rough.
This brings me to LUST. Hmmmm lust is a tricky one. This one gets us every time. Now me, i'm a lover...I wanna be your rock, I wanna pick you up when the rest of the world has let you down. This contrary emotion often gets the best of us, me included. Lust feels good, it feels right. It's that instant spark, the initial " our eyes met from across the room and we just knew" feeling. God do I love that. You haven't even spoke a single word to this person and in the 15 seconds it takes you to walk over to them you've already mentally written atleast a paragraph of your wedding vows and picked out the colors of your bridesmaid dresses. Yep! That's the human race.
I think although that lust is crucial because it's what keeps us still believing that love is real. We know that we're not dead inside, it makes us feel good. Hope is everlasting and it keeps us motivated. I need to melt inside sometimes when someone touches my hand, I need to remember that the world is not as cold as I wanna think it is when i've been alone too long.
In conclusion, all of this ewy gooey emotional crap is confusing, but that's what this big funny overpopulated world is all about. So go with your gut, have faith...and just LOVE/LUST and be HAPPY for that moment, that moment is your life
It's not supposed to be easy, I get that, but does it have to be so hard?...
Love is the one emotion in the whole universe that baffles us like no other. It's beautiful, incredible, and incredibly TERRIFYING.It's REAL, and when it's real it's definitely real, but when it's not....well, its horribly painful borderline devastating, over the edge bat shit crazy.
We all want it, but than the moment we have it we piss it away 99% of the time.We can't handle it or we don't appreciate it until we feel the pain of losing it. Or we call it lust, which i'll get to later, and we chalk it up as a loss. If by sheer chance that we don't do any of those things and we become genuinely simpatico butterflies making me nauseous on the regular can't keep my hands, eyes, lips off of you kind of inlove, than you hold onto that. Fall inlove over and over again. A little more every day. Turned on not only by their dashing good looks, but with their mind...with every beautiful thought they think, with the way they smell, the way their voice sounds. How groggy they are in the morning or how they always take too long in the shower. Love them because not only do you need them...you WANT them, and only them every day...forever!
So than what's the deal with loneliness....we're needy us women, well us humans really...men are just as bad. We're lonely when we're not in a relationship, we're lonely when we are in a relationship and our partner just happens to not be around. or be in the same room or be up our ass where I tend to like to keep them for safety purposes of course...we're lonely when we're alone alone, we're lonely when we're surrounded by a ton of people,especially if they're not any of the people that we " want " necessarily. We become blind when we fall inlove. We see one person and one person only...which in marriage is a beautiful thing, or when your in an equally happy honest partnership, NOT when your inlove and the other person either doesn't have a clueeee about the way you feel OR when the person doessss know how you feel, and doesn't feel the same. Love man....rough.
This brings me to LUST. Hmmmm lust is a tricky one. This one gets us every time. Now me, i'm a lover...I wanna be your rock, I wanna pick you up when the rest of the world has let you down. This contrary emotion often gets the best of us, me included. Lust feels good, it feels right. It's that instant spark, the initial " our eyes met from across the room and we just knew" feeling. God do I love that. You haven't even spoke a single word to this person and in the 15 seconds it takes you to walk over to them you've already mentally written atleast a paragraph of your wedding vows and picked out the colors of your bridesmaid dresses. Yep! That's the human race.
I think although that lust is crucial because it's what keeps us still believing that love is real. We know that we're not dead inside, it makes us feel good. Hope is everlasting and it keeps us motivated. I need to melt inside sometimes when someone touches my hand, I need to remember that the world is not as cold as I wanna think it is when i've been alone too long.
In conclusion, all of this ewy gooey emotional crap is confusing, but that's what this big funny overpopulated world is all about. So go with your gut, have faith...and just LOVE/LUST and be HAPPY for that moment, that moment is your life
Thursday, January 2, 2014
safe haven
What is safe? The textbook definition states: protected from or not exposed to danger or risk; not likely to be harmed or lost. also uninjured; with no harm done.
If this is the case...I have never been safe. None of us are ever REALLY safe. Think about it. We are all exposed to danger and risk every single day. There are accidents of all kinds. Car accidents, slips/ falls...There is violence as a result of arguments involving loved ones, drugs, money. We have natural disasters. Tornados that rip up houses, and tsunamis that flood the lives of people who already have little to nothing to call their own. We live in a constant state of danger. Taking the risk daily to lead our lives as normally as possible dodging all of the unknown landmines that may creep up as a result.
Uninjured...forget it. We have all experienced harms done. Varying degrees i'm sure, but devastation hits all of us at some point or another. There are wrongs we do unto others daily that put them in harms way, and wrongs done unto us that push us closer to insecurity. The human race is indefinitely incapable of complete protection from themselves, others and the very world around them.
We must create safety. We must find that inner peace somewhere past our racing hearts and weary thoughts. Since danger is inevitable the only thing that we can control is our attitude and outlook upon the tragedies that surround us.
Me..I find my safe haven wherever I find God.
I see him in my mind every time I begin to ponder a selfish dishonest thought.
I see him each time I try to force my hand and will upon that which I have no business in dealing.
I see him when I am walking down the road, or shopping or cooking or wherever I am, whatever i'm doing. I see him the most when I'm in danger...Really when I am a danger to myself. HE keeps me safe.
This roller coaster ride of addiction has thrown me through loops, it has hung me upside down, shot me straight up and rushed me right back down to earth. My theme park ride life style has spared no prisoners. It would strap you in tight and not let you out until you were so sick and delirious that all you could do was think to get right back on and go for another round. It was extremely harmful, injurious, and devastatingly UNsafe. I pray today, I pray everyday to stay close to my sanctuary. To stick to my AA roots, and take refuge in the fact that I may not always be out of harms way, but I will never have to be alone in my journey.
If this is the case...I have never been safe. None of us are ever REALLY safe. Think about it. We are all exposed to danger and risk every single day. There are accidents of all kinds. Car accidents, slips/ falls...There is violence as a result of arguments involving loved ones, drugs, money. We have natural disasters. Tornados that rip up houses, and tsunamis that flood the lives of people who already have little to nothing to call their own. We live in a constant state of danger. Taking the risk daily to lead our lives as normally as possible dodging all of the unknown landmines that may creep up as a result.
Uninjured...forget it. We have all experienced harms done. Varying degrees i'm sure, but devastation hits all of us at some point or another. There are wrongs we do unto others daily that put them in harms way, and wrongs done unto us that push us closer to insecurity. The human race is indefinitely incapable of complete protection from themselves, others and the very world around them.
We must create safety. We must find that inner peace somewhere past our racing hearts and weary thoughts. Since danger is inevitable the only thing that we can control is our attitude and outlook upon the tragedies that surround us.
Me..I find my safe haven wherever I find God.
I see him in my mind every time I begin to ponder a selfish dishonest thought.
I see him each time I try to force my hand and will upon that which I have no business in dealing.
I see him when I am walking down the road, or shopping or cooking or wherever I am, whatever i'm doing. I see him the most when I'm in danger...Really when I am a danger to myself. HE keeps me safe.
This roller coaster ride of addiction has thrown me through loops, it has hung me upside down, shot me straight up and rushed me right back down to earth. My theme park ride life style has spared no prisoners. It would strap you in tight and not let you out until you were so sick and delirious that all you could do was think to get right back on and go for another round. It was extremely harmful, injurious, and devastatingly UNsafe. I pray today, I pray everyday to stay close to my sanctuary. To stick to my AA roots, and take refuge in the fact that I may not always be out of harms way, but I will never have to be alone in my journey.
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