Consequences

       I've come to a point in my life where I am beginning to realize that I am not immune to feeling the pain of all the poor choices that I make. My power has returned to be able to make choices on my own free will. With this god given power I need to remember that although I am thinking clearly, left to my own devices, I may still choose very poorly. Today the consequences of my actions are vital. They are a painfully important lesson in this journey I call life. In my past I knew not that I was behaving ridiculously. I had no idea that I was unreasonable. When I act that way now boy does it show.
    In my addiction I, like many others, had lost entirely my power of choice. The decisions I made were no longer on my own accord. They were made on impulse, and built upon years and years of mistrust, abuse, and desperation. The gears in my head kept turning and turning and grinding and grinding. They made irresponsible and highly irrational choices. My thoughts came in pairs. Plan A and B. A plan to get in, and an equally clever plan to get out. I have to say though that even my worst ideas always had the best of intentions.
     The fog has cleared away. What a miracle for a lost prophet such as myself. This alcoholic brain of mine unfortunately does not take a day off. It has a default mode. Every 24 hours that pass it sets it self right back to where it started. So I wake up every day of my life being 11yrs old again. Needing to configure age appropriateness, responsibilities, and expectations. I am forced, in my daily reprieve, to let go of all I thought I knew, and have faith in something bigger than me.
    My heart held a pain that to this day is still too horribly difficult to describe in words. It drug along a sadness that spoke to me in tongues. It made me hallucinate....fantasize....crave the unquenchable thirst of a love I was to never know. It would tell me lies that I would be forced to believe. I would defend those half truths, and manipulate them into words my feeble heart was able to understand. It was so loud. It is still so very loud. My mind yearned for salvation. It yearned for quiet...It is still searching for that silence.