LOVE DOES FAIL

"I'm the jet black sky
That's just before the rain
Like the mighty current 
Pulling you under the waves"

That quote is from one of my very favorite songs and it has been resonating with me lately. I feel cold as ice most days. I feel isolated, alone in a crowded room...I feel lost, but I have also been found. I'm all figured out, but I'm nothing that you'd expect. I am by default the exact definition of an oxymoron. I feel what that quote entails. I'm the darkness right before the rain...the black clouds roll in fogging everyones judgement. It send a shiver down your spine, but it's enthralling. The power of the thunder rumbling, and the slight glimpse of light in the emptiness after the lightening strikes. Some days I'm the darkness, but on my good days I'm the light. It's conflicting. I think the best thing for me lately is to be alone, aka my biggest fear. That solitary vulnerable feeling needs to wash over me in the worst way possible. Drowning me in the ocean i've created. 

I had a conversation with a very insightful person today. We spoke of love and what it meant to truly love something...what that feeling is like, how you know when it's real. All I know of love is chaos. The sickness it embodies. We played a game where we'd each name 3 things that described to us what love felt like in it's purest form and my response was as follows. 1. demeaning

                                                                     2. painful

                                                                     3. insanity

Then it dawned on me. What do I know of love? I know that the only love I mainly knew was produced by drug addicts. I know that it is unhealthy to feel as though your world will physically and mentally self destruct had you ever left these people. I know now that to love someone is not for them to NEED you, but for them to WANT you. But who wants me is NOW the most prevalent question. Am I able as a woman and as a human being able to stand alone in my skin, and allow myself to be accepted. Will they appreciate the truth...Will they run first if I tell them I run always...Can I run faster? or would I even want to?? Can I stand still, and be seen for the better woman I am today. I wish I felt more proud of me. I am no better I just survived. 

...But I think the modesty is what proves how painful this all is. 

Today I pray as I do every day. I pray I am one day better then I was yesterday. And two days better then the day before.

busy

I've been such a busy beaver lately. Trying to pencil in friends, family, activities, work, projects around the house and now writing a book. Of course in my most occupied of times I decide to pursue my dream of publishing a memoir of my life to share with the world. I think the craziness will help me think actually. My mind has constantly moved a mile a minute since the moment I think I was able to think. haha. The chaos is like high octane booster for my brain. The only problem i'm experiencing currently is writers block, although I should just chalk it up to writers overload. I have a hundred different ideas all of which don't tie in with the next one making planning the format next to impossible...so I freeze. It's so like me to want to give up right from the start...when the going gets tough I get going, but I refuse to let that be the case this time. Nothing in my life has come easily so why should this. There would be no reward in that. Sitting in an al anon meeting the other night it dawned on me why it's been so hard to kick off this book, and I think it's because of my faith. God was always prevalent in our home...my mother is a born again christian, every night before bed we would say " see you in the morning god willing ", but until I was about 18 or so I never thought god was willing. I was actually quite sure he hated me. As I sit here today recalling all those painful memories the power of god in my adult life, and the many many meetings I have attended have changed my out look on all of those horrific memories. I am thankful for them today. God had sent those challenges my way because he knew that I could handle them, and not because he wanted to torture me. I try to think that if a weaker person was handed these battles they wouldn't have made it, so it's almost like I saved someone...So I like to think. I sit with my pen in my hand trying to remember how feverishly I had written as a child. The ink would burn the pages, today I'm  lucky I can scribble a line at a time. That is recovery. God shall make this challenging, but today I shall except this challenge..with a migraine and opened arms.

frustration

My life is horribly frustrating...horribly frustrating in the fact that I mainly torture MYSELF. You could classify me as insane on any given day. Doing, saying, acting the same way and expecting a different result. Constantly waiting on a miracle to occur where my wallet magically fills with money upon opening it. My car has an unlimited amount of fuel, the refrigerator is always full and I can leave my air conditioner running without fearing the electric bill. I buy things I know that I don't need, and I always buy them at the most inconvenient times. You'd think I was rich the way I spend so frivolously. I have worked since the day they would let me and I haven't quit since. Always making sure my bills were paid, on time, never late. I always paid more then the minimum on my credit cards, had back up tooth paste, toilet paper and shampoo in the house. Knowing all of this, whatever money I had other wise went out the window. I'd leave a tiny cushion in a savings account, but other then that gone it went. I'll be the first to complain that I'm broke, but I'll also be the first person to get another job to compensate. I have been buried alive time and time again, today not being any exception, but I do everything in my power to stay afloat. I make sure that the rabbit is tended too, that we have food in our house, and running water. I get bored and paint my house a hundred different colors,buy patio furniture for a patio that I haven't built yet...Impulsive is a good word for it. One day I'll realize that I'm not running out of time. Patience is a virtue, and I would kill to know what that must feel like. I rush to do everything, and then once it's done instead of enjoying it...I stop for a second, smile, then race off to accomplish the next task. I envy my friend Sean in so many ways. He sees things, and he chooses to see them as positively as he can. It's not always easy for me to find the good in the things I've done. I'll criticize my paint strokes or the placement of the furniture. How ironic it is that I trust myself too much when it comes to money, knowing I'll always provide, but I doubt my every day decisions. Maybe I shouldn't have had 3 cups of coffee this morning or maybe I should have picked red instead of pink at the nail salon. Sean will see the beauty, and not the fault....I need to embrace that. Thank you for showing me life through your eyes. I've learned so many BEAUTIFUL lessons from you.

reflections

This may come as a shock to everyone, but I've been thinking an awful lot lately haha There have been circumstances I have been put into, and ones that I have willingly volunteered myself as shark bate for the rest of the world. There are decisions I have made that I may not be happy about, but I choose to live a regret free life today. I recently recalled a time in my life when I was utterly and disgustingly inlove with one of my childhood best friends. He was the boy that lived down the street, the quiet type ya know. His body language, the way the national park clouded sunlight shown threw his eyes....the silence he embodied. I swore he was my soul mate. We talked as children of intimate moments and things only him and I would've understood. I felt his sadness in the quiver in his voice, like I am sure he felt mine. He was sick even then, but so was I...." One day when your better I will love you I told him"...little did he know I already did. I prayed that my beautiful boy could learn to live and not just exist in this cold world, and when he did I couldn't imagine him sharing that life with anyone else. I got the call one day saying that he was sober, and as I promised...I was there. What an incredibly painful, rewarding, whole hearted emptiness I had felt threw out our relationship. Never having been more satisfied or so broken in my entire life. I did things I hate myself for, but in that time I had never learned more gratitude. I had a new family then, my al anon family. I learned that there was beauty behind this life altering disease. All I had ever wanted was to FEEL, I wanted to feel something beautiful...and there HE was. " there was no act of god that could've torn me away from him"...that phrase, which is permanently scarred on my body, holds more truth today then it ever has. I have carried the strength he has taught me threw out the course of my life. He made me strong when I was a 5 foot 100 pound skeleton of tears and bones. I stood 10 feet tall when he needed me to, only to walk home feeling lower then dirt. He sucked me dry, but that emptiness was familiar. I needed only my lungs to breathe, my heart he needed more. I lost a piece of myself that very first day when he buried me in the sand up to my neck when we were just little kids. That is a piece I have never gotten back. Thank you for keeping me alive in you. This person made me blind. He made me feel the same craziness that I had growing up in the world of fantasy and make believe. If he said the sky was green I would've believed it, not because I was a foolish woman, but because I wanted to. Arguing was useless. I would've rather played in traffic...my odds would've been better then. Although, letting him win when I did only added to our down fall. I am sorry that I have failed us. Today I am grateful for that life, I can let go of what I can not change and embrace what has been presented to me. Your eyes still guide me deep into your soul, the same soul I see when I look in the mirror...I am face to face with an angel in disguise...thank you god for letting us see threw clear eyes.

fumes

Running on fumes. Literally. Had one day off and do I rest? Of course I don't I stay up for 24 hours straight painting every room in my house. I imagine it's from my mind being so wound up lately...a body in motion tends to stay in motion. Well today has rolled around and I am in utter pain, and borderline hallucinating due to lack of sleep and the incessant paint fumes. Normal people would've opened a window....me...I like the high. I've filled my home with cheerful colors in hopes that when I rise each morning I'm happy to be alive. The paint helps, although I find it a little ironic that I choose a dark purple for my bedroom...so technically the first thing I see when I open my eyes is, well darkness...To me it's soothing. I don't run on the same wave length as most people. I'm easily relatable yet so far from being understood. The mystery keeps them coming back. I've been plenty fortunate in my life, I'd go so far as to saying that I'm BLESSED. This is because my biggest accomplishments have been some of my biggest mistakes. Learning more from the pain then the joy is most cases. Happiness is easily shared....the sadness is all consuming, it resonates in every orifice of your body. " I can see it in your eyes " they say...and that's true. You can see it in my crooked smile, in the crows feet around my eyes, and the slight shake in my hands. I'm neuritic....by nature. The colors in my other rooms are vibrant, describing my personality perfectly....a little funky, a little loud and a lot unique. The familiarity is comforting. I sit in the same spot on the couch every day, I wash my hair first in the shower, I always have to rewind the saddest part of every movie just to experience it one more time. I don't like change...if you hadn't caught on. This paint project was a good change, subtle...but necessary.

do doo doot dooooo doot do

I can't escape it. This feeling inside of me. I can't run from this, I can not hide. It sees me everywhere I go, hearing my most vulnerable thoughts. I can not pray without judgement...from my socially-inept self. Praying the way I was taught. Never for me, and always for the happiness and welfare of others. I had faith in who I was. I lost me somewhere between then and here. My body followed but my mind is estranged. My heart...Is with you, and you and you. In everyone I meet. My pulse beats out of rhythm. Ironic. Pausing ever so slightly...doo doot...dooooo doot...do dot...my heart keeps time.

something beautiful

"Something Beautiful"

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

-needtobreathe