color

             Man it feels like it's been forever since I've written, way too much going on I suppose. My life is chaotic to say the least, but I don't know that I'd change a moment of it for anything. I like to know that I'm someones superhero...that I've helped them, if even for a second. I like to think that gods intent for me on earth was to spread my love to those around me.
            My world, from the time I can remember, has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs...highs and lows. One minute I'd be on top of the world and for the next 6 days of the week I'd be buried underneath it. It's a sad existence some days, but my good days are priceless. I've seen the faces of living angels, and I have too felt the flames of death.
            When I was young I convinced myself that there had to be more to this. That somewhere, someday I'd realize that it doesn't all have to be so crazy. This for me, was a hard pill to swallow. My body runs on adrenaline, anxiousness and COFFEE. I sleep little to none, I work more then I do anything else...I take the same road to work everyday, in the same restaurant corroded sneakers and ketchup stained apron. I keep a calendar book of all the bills I owe, and I leave myself notes on the whiteboard on the fridge...as if my neurotic self would forget anyway. My days, now that I'm older are less crazy...or different crazy should I say....
           Growing up it was literally surviving. Much like it is today, but my worst days now could not compare to even my best days then. That was hell...this here I guess is purgatory. I faced demons then. BIG ONES Things that were far out of my comprehension. Seeing only black and white rainbows, and tear soaked pillow cases. Today I am able to see in color.
            Things are just as scary in color, but atleast it gives the present state a hint of life. Now that my world so to speak has leveled out, and I no longer wait in immediate danger, my mind lies dormant. So naturally I have to create new chaos for myself. My thoughts travel with the speed of light. If there's nothing to worry, I automatically conjure something to obsess about. I have to function at 120mph at even my lowest point. I do not know any other way. So maybe things aren't crazy today, maybe I just work myself up more then I should. The bills will get paid, some how they always do. My friends will find there own way even if I am not there to guide them, and my heart will still beat at 80mph if I can ever learn to decelerate. But for today acknowledgment is enough, and clarity is in the near future. Thank you god

lucky

I feel lucky today, and I am so thankful to know what that word  means. Some people take luck for granted, they make it materialistic...they make it petty. Dumb luck, luck of the draw. NO! I think that being lucky means that you are blessed. I think it means that you have something amazing that you don't share with anyone else. For me, i've always felt blessed....although this wasn't always as prevalent as it is today. There were days where I thought the world was against me, but those are the days i'm sure I had been the luckiest. I had people open doors when life has closed them on me, i've had people offer me couches, and meals and great big hugs. I've seen hell, but nothing compares to the warmth I have felt from the people in my life. To be lucky isn't to have all the coolest stuff. It isn't to hit big on the slot machines, or to win the lottery. It is to be surrounded by good people, to laugh out loud....OFTEN and WHOLE HEARTEDLY, it's to be able to swallow your pride, to start over, to recognize failure, but to see also a new success. Luckiness is being strong enough to offer your heart and your home to someone, to love even though your heart is breaking, its to have people to stay up late with, and talk about how life just isn't fair sometimes. It's being able to get down on your knees and pray, and trust that someone will be there to pick you up when you've lost your way. I am a lucky woman to know pain, to be able to share that sympathy, empathy, compassion. I am honored to take on the roll of  lover, friend, coworker, partner, daughter...I stand up tall today with all my might, and shout at the roof tops that I am the luckiest of all for the life I lead, and I thank GOD everyday for making that possible for me.