I wanna write until the keys fall off of this old typewriter, and my fingers go numb. I wanna write until the sun comes up and my green eyes burn from staring at the stark white pages.
There...
You'll find me there. Out in front of that old oak tree. Skin chilled to the bone, and an empty coffee cup by my side.
Lost...
Lost in the moment, but found. Finally found for the first time in all my life.
Maybe these are all just parts. Maybe they are tiny pieces of consciousness strewn about in a world of delirium. Maybe life is far greater than the sum of all of these tiny parts.
Humanity is sickening. We are human beings living completely inhumanely.
Fast forward and rewind...Fast forward and rewind.
You look in another's eyes and see your future. You see your fucking heart breaking.
She felt nothing. Not anything at all in those moments. Her eyes were empty, but her heart was full. Full with the fears of a thousand people. Yet she couldn't place a single thought she had.
Then it all hit her like a freight train.
She was dead. Not literally. Not figuratively even. Just dead to the world.
My God though is she alive.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Monday, August 18, 2014
your eyes look like comin home....
" I've been so many places in my life and time..."...
I have had the opportunity to be a sister, a mother, a lover. I was a best friend, an arch enemy, and a confidant. There are homes I have inhabited and couches I have surfed. So many faces, and places, and hearts I have so graciously come to know.
Over the course of these immeasurable 25 years I have built myself a world. A mini army made up of created fairy tale family members and a support system that could with stand the test of time. There are people I have not seen in years, but would show up in a split second in my world.There are ones that I am honored to see every single day. People that have watched me fail, saw me cry my eyes out, and plead to god that I just wanted to die. Against all odds they showed up for me. Selfish me, for the better half of all those years, was sure that they were the lucky ones.
I could not have been more wrong. It was I that had been blessed. As great as it was to see them...it was always so much more rewarding to have been seen. I was lost. They indeed...one by one tried so desperately to love me back to life. If I had the power to go back and save them all from the hell I created I would. It hurts me more than they will ever know to have watched them hurt for me.
These individuals come in all shapes and sizes. All walks of life. They each are attached to a particular drug, or home or broken hearted part of me. When I could not find a way to be a part of this life they mangles themselves to be a part of mine. Today I am able to be present. In their worlds, in their time. How do I ever divorce myself from the only family I have ever known?
I will be married soon. I will be the luckiest woman in the world to share myself with this man. I come with baggage, with alcoholism, and with a gang of lovely people that to me...they look like comin home. My home will be you Kevin, and I am so grateful that they are all welcome.
I have had the opportunity to be a sister, a mother, a lover. I was a best friend, an arch enemy, and a confidant. There are homes I have inhabited and couches I have surfed. So many faces, and places, and hearts I have so graciously come to know.
Over the course of these immeasurable 25 years I have built myself a world. A mini army made up of created fairy tale family members and a support system that could with stand the test of time. There are people I have not seen in years, but would show up in a split second in my world.There are ones that I am honored to see every single day. People that have watched me fail, saw me cry my eyes out, and plead to god that I just wanted to die. Against all odds they showed up for me. Selfish me, for the better half of all those years, was sure that they were the lucky ones.
I could not have been more wrong. It was I that had been blessed. As great as it was to see them...it was always so much more rewarding to have been seen. I was lost. They indeed...one by one tried so desperately to love me back to life. If I had the power to go back and save them all from the hell I created I would. It hurts me more than they will ever know to have watched them hurt for me.
These individuals come in all shapes and sizes. All walks of life. They each are attached to a particular drug, or home or broken hearted part of me. When I could not find a way to be a part of this life they mangles themselves to be a part of mine. Today I am able to be present. In their worlds, in their time. How do I ever divorce myself from the only family I have ever known?
I will be married soon. I will be the luckiest woman in the world to share myself with this man. I come with baggage, with alcoholism, and with a gang of lovely people that to me...they look like comin home. My home will be you Kevin, and I am so grateful that they are all welcome.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Shine on you crazy diamond
These city lights. They shine like a million diamonds over the back alleys, and cheap bodega stores where we'd occupy ourselves for hours. Sparkling in the eyes of the children as they scurried, and clinging like sequence to our homeless tattered hair.Those fiery twinkling bulbs glisten off of freshly filled rain puddles, and off of the hoods of shiny new cars, but they didn't shine as bright as you....
All the tiny street mice, the people. All of the sounds, and screams, and whispers through the underground subway tunnels. The darkness. We shall not be fearful in these moments sweetheart, our darkness is the exact same shade....I know this because it is my favorite color. It's the color of my reality. The opaque shield that sheltered me for days and days.
My insides, tangled up in knots craved those neon blinking bar signs. It craved the red flashing exit signals, and the mirrored reflection of the disco ball. Remember how it hung in the back corner of those fancy dance clubs where we spent our lonely nights. Do you remember how we just didn't want to remember....we just didn't want to know.
I wish you were here so I could tell you all the joys of how precious it is not to know a single thing. To not know which way it's gonna go and to not have to hide from it. We were always lost in the plain view. That manifested hell was a beautifully crafted delusion to our hideous reality. The hell we wreaked was better than the hell we were born into. Our version had numbing solutions, and pretty lights, and french kisses with strangers, and each other.
Lucky for me I still know our beginning, and tragically I have seen the end. Lack of faith is no longer our dilemma. I think we were wrong about ourselves all those years....There was heaven on earth, the proof is the we had survived. The real proof is that today you can see that it is for real. You are my heaven, my true life testament to the light within the darkness. Today you are fearless.....shine on you my crazy diamond.
All the tiny street mice, the people. All of the sounds, and screams, and whispers through the underground subway tunnels. The darkness. We shall not be fearful in these moments sweetheart, our darkness is the exact same shade....I know this because it is my favorite color. It's the color of my reality. The opaque shield that sheltered me for days and days.
My insides, tangled up in knots craved those neon blinking bar signs. It craved the red flashing exit signals, and the mirrored reflection of the disco ball. Remember how it hung in the back corner of those fancy dance clubs where we spent our lonely nights. Do you remember how we just didn't want to remember....we just didn't want to know.
I wish you were here so I could tell you all the joys of how precious it is not to know a single thing. To not know which way it's gonna go and to not have to hide from it. We were always lost in the plain view. That manifested hell was a beautifully crafted delusion to our hideous reality. The hell we wreaked was better than the hell we were born into. Our version had numbing solutions, and pretty lights, and french kisses with strangers, and each other.
Lucky for me I still know our beginning, and tragically I have seen the end. Lack of faith is no longer our dilemma. I think we were wrong about ourselves all those years....There was heaven on earth, the proof is the we had survived. The real proof is that today you can see that it is for real. You are my heaven, my true life testament to the light within the darkness. Today you are fearless.....shine on you my crazy diamond.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)