dare to be you

       Today marks 8 days of total sober living. Ummmm....it's been long to say the least. The first few nights were sleepless, the next few nights weren't any better, but of all the things it is... the best thing is that it has all been WORTH IT! Yesterday was my first sober bar experience and it was AMAZING. Yea, never in my life would I have thought that sentence would come out of my mouth. Mind you this is coming from the girl that couldn't have a drink without a second one in her other hand. The girl that would still be dancing long after last call at 3am when the music has already stopped. The girl who would throw up just to make more room...and the girl who justified all of this by the fact that she never missed work in the morning.
        Once I had that first one there was no stopping me. I was invincible. I could be the life of the party or your absolute worst nightmare when I was drinking. I could shake my tail feather faster then you could shake a stick, and I could pound a beer faster then a runner could chug a bottle of water after running a marathon. I have driven under poor circumstances, and when I wasn't behind the wheel I was recklessly hanging out of my best friends sun roof singing whatever Q102 song that was on that radio. I've thrown up what looked like black tar, thinking back now it was most likely tiny pieces of my liver that I slowly watched flush down the drain. Shot for shot for 30 friggin shots on my friends birthday only to find myself face down in a turkey club in the back seat of my girlfriends car. Was I embarrassed...Nah. Not then atleast.
           I worked drunk which was the most miraculous of all. I'd show up at 530 in the morning in my walmart uniform head to toe with the exception of my glitter high heels I so conveniently left on from the long night before. Clearly you could tell I stopped drinking at 430 when I had to count the same bag of money 15 times to come up with a different amount by the end of each go around. It was 2,000....It was ALWAYS 2,000. I lost that job it goes without saying. Must have been my 9th day in a row with no sleep or substance other then alcohol when I screamed at my boss. I proceeded to rip off my walkie talkie and my keys that were wrapped around my frail sickly wrist and threw them at him and told him to fuck himself. I walked outside like the bad ass that I was sure I was only to turn around 2 minutes later and have the audacity to ask for my job back. The best thing that man could have ever done was exactly what he did...tell me NO!
         I am free today of that heavy burden. Addiction is not easy. It is a load I wish no one ever has to bear. A load far heavier then any I have ever carried. I sat in that bar last night with a glass of water and a smile that couldve lit up all of disney world. That load is small, its just my size and I will carry that instead all of the days of my life.
       

Retired

           Whoever said 24 is too early to retire obviously hasn't lived my same craziness because I would've retired at 9 n if I could have. I love my actual job even on the longest of nights, it's my LIFE that i'd like to take  a break from.  It's the secrets...the lies...the ones i'm sworn to take with me to the grave, and the ones I tell myself when I say " it's all gonna be ok". I'm sick of pretending i'm not hurting. Mainly, I'm sick of stretching myself thin for everyone else but myself.
              This may be hard to believe but I am not the creator of miracles, and I am not the ruler of time. Time is tricky, its designed for you to be forced to use it wisely which some of us can just never grasp. It isn't meant to be spend pondering what ifs or how sos its meant for action...for completion of those half hearted promises you make to yourself. If your unhappy you should changed that...I know I know I should really take my own advice.
          Ive been alive for approximately 8,760 days...thats 12,614,400 minutes....I sit and wonder just how many of those  millions of moments of my life I have spent alone, tired, high, confused, happy, angry, resentful. How many of those moments could I have avoided, reacted differently..perhaps out of love instead of hate. Taken the high road, picked up  a hitch hiker...swam against the current. How many solitary SECONDS even have I spent trying to relive the past.
              THIS IS MY LIFE!!
   This is no love connection on the game show network, there are no daisys growing in my garden or tomatoes  on the vine thats wrapped around my rusty chain link fence. There are no redos or rematches or RE anything.This is IT. Every one of those days has come to this, and this is going to have to be ok because it is all she wrote, all that I wrote.
            This is MY miracle. I'm still  here against all odds, against every wave that has crashed into me...I am bent but I am not broken and I refuse to claim defeated. My smile will  forever be my best disguise against the ugliness of life..and my heart will forever keep the time.

simplicity

For anyone that knows me I'm an absolute tattoo fanatic.  I love to display the road map of my crazy life proudly on my body.  I love the  questions people ask...I love when their jaws drop after you tell them  the horror stories. Actually one of my favorite songs in the world has a line  that says " I met a girl who kept tattoos for homes that she had loved if I were her i'd paint my body until  all my skin was gone" That has stuck with me, and why not?! its beautiful ! The latest one is a solid black cross on my forearm. As much as I love all my tattoos this has to be one of my most meaningful. My faith  is so STRONG today...it EXISTS today. I've been scared to death, strung out, starved, beat, built up..broken down. God has seen me through. If you had asked me even a few years ago I would tell you there's no hope...there's no love..no devotion. A sick person I was at best. This permanent ink masterpiece will  forever remind me of the road I'm on, the path i've strayed from and the destination in which im headed. Thank you lord for all  you've given me.