Today marks 8 days of total sober living. Ummmm....it's been long to say the least. The first few nights were sleepless, the next few nights weren't any better, but of all the things it is... the best thing is that it has all been WORTH IT! Yesterday was my first sober bar experience and it was AMAZING. Yea, never in my life would I have thought that sentence would come out of my mouth. Mind you this is coming from the girl that couldn't have a drink without a second one in her other hand. The girl that would still be dancing long after last call at 3am when the music has already stopped. The girl who would throw up just to make more room...and the girl who justified all of this by the fact that she never missed work in the morning.
Once I had that first one there was no stopping me. I was invincible. I could be the life of the party or your absolute worst nightmare when I was drinking. I could shake my tail feather faster then you could shake a stick, and I could pound a beer faster then a runner could chug a bottle of water after running a marathon. I have driven under poor circumstances, and when I wasn't behind the wheel I was recklessly hanging out of my best friends sun roof singing whatever Q102 song that was on that radio. I've thrown up what looked like black tar, thinking back now it was most likely tiny pieces of my liver that I slowly watched flush down the drain. Shot for shot for 30 friggin shots on my friends birthday only to find myself face down in a turkey club in the back seat of my girlfriends car. Was I embarrassed...Nah. Not then atleast.
I worked drunk which was the most miraculous of all. I'd show up at 530 in the morning in my walmart uniform head to toe with the exception of my glitter high heels I so conveniently left on from the long night before. Clearly you could tell I stopped drinking at 430 when I had to count the same bag of money 15 times to come up with a different amount by the end of each go around. It was 2,000....It was ALWAYS 2,000. I lost that job it goes without saying. Must have been my 9th day in a row with no sleep or substance other then alcohol when I screamed at my boss. I proceeded to rip off my walkie talkie and my keys that were wrapped around my frail sickly wrist and threw them at him and told him to fuck himself. I walked outside like the bad ass that I was sure I was only to turn around 2 minutes later and have the audacity to ask for my job back. The best thing that man could have ever done was exactly what he did...tell me NO!
I am free today of that heavy burden. Addiction is not easy. It is a load I wish no one ever has to bear. A load far heavier then any I have ever carried. I sat in that bar last night with a glass of water and a smile that couldve lit up all of disney world. That load is small, its just my size and I will carry that instead all of the days of my life.
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