Retired

           Whoever said 24 is too early to retire obviously hasn't lived my same craziness because I would've retired at 9 n if I could have. I love my actual job even on the longest of nights, it's my LIFE that i'd like to take  a break from.  It's the secrets...the lies...the ones i'm sworn to take with me to the grave, and the ones I tell myself when I say " it's all gonna be ok". I'm sick of pretending i'm not hurting. Mainly, I'm sick of stretching myself thin for everyone else but myself.
              This may be hard to believe but I am not the creator of miracles, and I am not the ruler of time. Time is tricky, its designed for you to be forced to use it wisely which some of us can just never grasp. It isn't meant to be spend pondering what ifs or how sos its meant for action...for completion of those half hearted promises you make to yourself. If your unhappy you should changed that...I know I know I should really take my own advice.
          Ive been alive for approximately 8,760 days...thats 12,614,400 minutes....I sit and wonder just how many of those  millions of moments of my life I have spent alone, tired, high, confused, happy, angry, resentful. How many of those moments could I have avoided, reacted differently..perhaps out of love instead of hate. Taken the high road, picked up  a hitch hiker...swam against the current. How many solitary SECONDS even have I spent trying to relive the past.
              THIS IS MY LIFE!!
   This is no love connection on the game show network, there are no daisys growing in my garden or tomatoes  on the vine thats wrapped around my rusty chain link fence. There are no redos or rematches or RE anything.This is IT. Every one of those days has come to this, and this is going to have to be ok because it is all she wrote, all that I wrote.
            This is MY miracle. I'm still  here against all odds, against every wave that has crashed into me...I am bent but I am not broken and I refuse to claim defeated. My smile will  forever be my best disguise against the ugliness of life..and my heart will forever keep the time.