There have been so many times in my life where I felt as though God hated me, or the world was against me. I had thought I was being punished or tested or set up to fail. Today I realize that the universe is actually protecting me from my own perspective of " how its supposed to be". That maybe this life I envisioned for myself wasn't going to be all I had it cracked up to be, and I am so thankful for divine intervention.
As we grow up from childhood to adulthood, and then well into our later years we constantly build on the idea we get in our heads of how it should be. How we would like it to be...etc.. There are situations that I could not fathom, at the time atleast, playing out any differently. Say there was a boy I liked. My mind can be made up in two seconds that it hasssss to be him, or the reverse of that, someone likes me that may not be the person I invisioned in "my plan" and I write them off right from the start. Or say I've always wanted to live in California, but some how all arrows point to South Jersey. This list of circumstances could go on and on. From where I thought Id be at 25 or where I thought I should've went to school, or which pet I was meant to have.
At the end of the day I have realized that the only way it should've been is exactly the way it was and is. That I am only a human being and I can not possibly know what is always best for me or what my destiny is. I have forced my hand in so many situations. The anxiety would strangle me and I'd play devils advocate over and over again. It had gotten so crazy, the contorting, manipulating...cutting up puzzle pieces so they would fit the picture in my head, the only way my eyes could possibly see it. Ya know what I FAILED. I failed every single time because no matter how many alterations I made the pieces were never going to fit perfectly together. I would never have been able to survive the cost of living in California, and that boy I liked wouldn't be around after the fairy tale began to take a wicked turn.
I trust god now. After years of battling his will verse mine. After habitually questioning his logic to my addictive reasoning. Today I just go with it. I lose a job, ya know what that wasn't my calling. I lose a boyfriend, ya know what he wasn't the one. I live in south jersey because the big man has people here that he needs me to meet. People whose lives I can change and who can forever change mine. This unknown mystery not so planned plan is working much better than anything my sick mind could have created with the stereo types of how it should have been. And just for today I am ok with that.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Sunday, February 16, 2014
understand
I think that god is trying to really tell me something this time. He is constantly testing my will...he knows me too well. He knows that I like to force my hand in things, and push my limits and those of everyone around me. Self will run riot right?...His will is the only one worth focusing on. Patience is the key. Wasn't blessed with that ability...to patiently wait for things. I am an addicted individual. If it isn't right now, it's never. If it isn't instantly gratifying, it isn't worth it. BE STILL SAM....you have been so sadly mistaken.
I have been know to make hasty decisions. I can do things ass backwards. Rushing, unconsciously throwing myself into mess upon mess of emotional webbing that I struggle time and time again to break free of. The tear drenched strands follow me, forever entangling me in new webs of lies and heartbreak.
I was sick then. Now is different. It's very different. I've learn to slow down. Crawling into situations, feeling them out. I do not use such beautiful sacred words in vein any longer. Today UNDERSTANDING what it means to love is incredibly and unexplainably more important than it is to simply go through the motions of loving. If that made sense.
Love isn't you say it and then I say it back. It isn't an emotion that is felt today and is fleeting tomorrow. It is in bad times, good times, painful turning points, and easy streets. It is a forever kind of thing, and it is to never be taken for granted. Sometimes it's the best when it feels the worst. That's when it's real. When you can look at the person, your heart is in shambles, and you couldn't possibly love them any more. That is living proof that miracles exist.
I have fled from the lives of those who have loved me, so it is only fair that life would throw me a curve ball. A lesson in my disease driven ways. What a painfully special reminder it has been to keep it green. I will choose to be brave today. To pick up my world, every heavy broken slice of it. It will not weigh me down, but it will allow me to grow.
I have been know to make hasty decisions. I can do things ass backwards. Rushing, unconsciously throwing myself into mess upon mess of emotional webbing that I struggle time and time again to break free of. The tear drenched strands follow me, forever entangling me in new webs of lies and heartbreak.
I was sick then. Now is different. It's very different. I've learn to slow down. Crawling into situations, feeling them out. I do not use such beautiful sacred words in vein any longer. Today UNDERSTANDING what it means to love is incredibly and unexplainably more important than it is to simply go through the motions of loving. If that made sense.
Love isn't you say it and then I say it back. It isn't an emotion that is felt today and is fleeting tomorrow. It is in bad times, good times, painful turning points, and easy streets. It is a forever kind of thing, and it is to never be taken for granted. Sometimes it's the best when it feels the worst. That's when it's real. When you can look at the person, your heart is in shambles, and you couldn't possibly love them any more. That is living proof that miracles exist.
I have fled from the lives of those who have loved me, so it is only fair that life would throw me a curve ball. A lesson in my disease driven ways. What a painfully special reminder it has been to keep it green. I will choose to be brave today. To pick up my world, every heavy broken slice of it. It will not weigh me down, but it will allow me to grow.
Friday, February 7, 2014
By faith not sight
He drove up in his old 1988 beat up Buick. His minds been racing since he got on the turnpike, and his palms began to sweat the moment he pulled up to her house. He drove 50 miles on a quarter tank of gas. The fuel lasting about 25, faith took it from there. He didn't care about the bridge tolls or the traffic lights....the cop cars or red flashing lights. He had to be somewhere.
She always had a purse full of all lifes necessities.Ready to run. God knows she never could stay anywhere long. Her hair pulled back in a messy bun, and the goosebumps permanently coating her fragile arms matched the chill in her soul.
She recognized the wrinkles on his forehead. They accompanied a puzzled look of astonishment, and fear...two things she knew oh too well. She had an uncanny ability to marvel at the ordinary. The day she met him she knew those small squiggly lines around his beautiful blue eyes were tiny road maps to all the places that he's ever felt alone. He would never know it, but she's traveled those same roads. He never had to be afraid for she had memorized all the paths. All of the hills and valleys. Her heart would never let her forget the way.
That mystery lived on in his chest until this long February night.
She lies alone in bed wrapped in her favorite tattered up white blanket staring emptily at the ceiling fan. Around, and around and around it goes. Where She'd stop, she didn't even know. She longed for someone who could quiet her insecurities. Someone to remind her of who she truly was. This human being would be able to taste the purity of her tears as they streamed down from her hollow eyes. They would feel the warmth of her skin regardless of how cold she swore her heart felt.
It was him, and he knew it. He could recall every curve of her body. All of the deepest, darkest, sickest parts of her. The parts that scared her to death. He needed her to know that he wasn't afraid.
He shut his rusty car door, and opened the cast iron entrance to the rest of his life. He crept down the hallway undetected, and stood beside her bed. He needed to take a moment just to look at her. To look at his whole world. Those painful avenues were right. They led him when he had thought he lost his way. Her green eyes cut through the darkness, and her lips met his for what felt like the first time...every single time, and she whispered " what took you so long". . . .
She always had a purse full of all lifes necessities.Ready to run. God knows she never could stay anywhere long. Her hair pulled back in a messy bun, and the goosebumps permanently coating her fragile arms matched the chill in her soul.
She recognized the wrinkles on his forehead. They accompanied a puzzled look of astonishment, and fear...two things she knew oh too well. She had an uncanny ability to marvel at the ordinary. The day she met him she knew those small squiggly lines around his beautiful blue eyes were tiny road maps to all the places that he's ever felt alone. He would never know it, but she's traveled those same roads. He never had to be afraid for she had memorized all the paths. All of the hills and valleys. Her heart would never let her forget the way.
That mystery lived on in his chest until this long February night.
She lies alone in bed wrapped in her favorite tattered up white blanket staring emptily at the ceiling fan. Around, and around and around it goes. Where She'd stop, she didn't even know. She longed for someone who could quiet her insecurities. Someone to remind her of who she truly was. This human being would be able to taste the purity of her tears as they streamed down from her hollow eyes. They would feel the warmth of her skin regardless of how cold she swore her heart felt.
It was him, and he knew it. He could recall every curve of her body. All of the deepest, darkest, sickest parts of her. The parts that scared her to death. He needed her to know that he wasn't afraid.
He shut his rusty car door, and opened the cast iron entrance to the rest of his life. He crept down the hallway undetected, and stood beside her bed. He needed to take a moment just to look at her. To look at his whole world. Those painful avenues were right. They led him when he had thought he lost his way. Her green eyes cut through the darkness, and her lips met his for what felt like the first time...every single time, and she whispered " what took you so long". . . .
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