I think I found my way home...

           I think I found my way home, I think i've probably known it all along. I AM MY HOME. I am the only one that can seek solace for myself . I am the only one that can soothe the rage that is in my heart.
          My spiritual life was empty for many years so to fill  the void I sought comfort in the most unconventional of ways. I played with drugs, with boys...with fire mainly. I tested the waters, and tempted the tides. Its incredible how i've ever survived. I learned many consequences none of which that would've ever muffled the sound of the gears running in my head preparing for the next unsatisfactory move.
         This life style has voluntarily and  involuntarily clouded my perception of normalcy. It has also made it impossible to understand boundaries. I have mastered the art of invasion. I know not of personal space bubbles or emotional walls. I have scaled towers of cerebral distortion the way king kong climbed the empire state building, strong steady and with nothing but pure internal drive and a hint of upper body strength. My frame was frail. A 5'5" skeleton of skin and bones, scars, bruises and daggers for eyes. To know me was to hate me, but to hate me was....well....LOVE.
           My flaw. To love another with all my heart. Cliche, eghh you would think. Nauseating ...very  much so. How can one love someone to such great lengths, and at such severe costs, and hate themselves all the while. How is it even possible to bestow so much of your own time and energy into another...slowly draining your resources in more ways then one. I have lost money, pride, self esteem but most importantly....TIME. Time slips away faster then we think. Its infinite yet you can never seem to acquire enough. There's the irony.
           I am well versed in the art of conformism. There's a science to people. Twist there arm a little, they don't know it yet, but they like the pain. With this i've coached myself how to bend without breaking. Since birth I have possesed the constant need for affection. I needed to be needed. I still do, I think that's human or atleast what I know of human nature. I could've been an ant in a previous life. I've been known to feel that small. I can love to the point of desperation. Gasping for air just to survive the next full blown submission into the burning hell of love as I knew it.
               Today I learn that although those feelings are familiar they are not necessary. I can be consumed with ME. With who I am, and what is healthy. Today I have found a way home...to my home...to open the door to the rest of my life.

down and out

I feel like giving up. This doesn't make any sense anymore, and I don't know why. I started trying to hard I think. I started correcting my actions. I thought I used to know what I wanted, thought I had it all figured out...I don't..I didn't then. I had a diff love affair every 5 minutes, falling inlove more with the thought of them then anything else. I hate to be alone. I hate that i feel that way most of all. My skin is crawling. I feel like I can see it, my skin is rippling over my arm n tiny pin needles prick my finger tips. There's spots everywhere. mainly on my liver but they are also clouding the stars in my eyes. Trying to be an adult is hard, it entails facing yourself, considering harder the actions your taking before you take them. A bunch of grown up junk that just complicates life. Even though it was chaotic I loved my old ways, I was used to them...it was nice to feel at home. my cup was full, but theirs was always empty. I just went back and read this...wow how crazy I must feel, let alone sound.
I cant even find the words to pray.
I always pray, everyday, atleast for a moment. I pray I get my act together, and that I get to keep any right of passage that i've already earned. I pray that the days go by quickly yet the years pass slow. Time moves faster then you think.
When I pray I wish for the strength of many many men, and the soul of mother theresa. I wish I had a third arm to accomplish more tasks, and an extra foot to run three times as fast as my fears can chase me.
I feel like living. this doesn't make sense anymore, and I don't know why. maybe,  its because i've corrected my actions...maybe I know now what I need and not just what i've wanted. Being an adult makes needs trump desires. Who even knows whats best for us. 99% of the time we don't even know whats best for ourselves. and so what if it hurts, it always hurts. Nothing good in life ever comes easy.

life

This week has been one for the record books for me. I'm not going to go into detail about what exactly happened, but I had a much needed. much long over due epiphany! I saw my life through new eyes. Me...i'm scared of everything...most things. I'm scared to live, i'm scared that some days i'm not even sure what that means. I'm scared to fail, but I would fear more not knowing what to do with the success. This week although has shown me that things aren't all that terrifying. Our minds exagerate those fears, and they appear larger and more volatile then anticipated. I in turn got to experience the other side of that coin. The world around me was grossly distorted, but my fears appeared to be much smaller in ratio. I needed that. Today, another addition to how crazy and exciting my week has been, I have deleted skydiving from my bucket list. WOW what a freeing experience. It seems simple ok you get on a plane, go north about 12,000 feet, and then you jump out. Including of course the gamble of dying on your way back down. With all risk aside I decided it was something I needed to do. I still felt small to the world...which is strange because being up so high made everything and everybody else look so tiny. I was a molecule in the sky, just a tiny organism wearing a jesus tshirt, and black track sneakers, but that was exactly where I belonged. I saw what it was to be removed from reality for a second, to look down, and see that maybe the world isn't all that bad.

For anyone that knows me I move a mile a minute. I do not have a lick of patience to my name. I'm constantly one step ahead of myself. I go and go and go, and even when I run out of steam...I run on the water droplets the steam leaves behind. This week has been so spiritual, and it has slowed me down to just the right pace...for today atleast and I thank god for that.