I think I found my way home...

           I think I found my way home, I think i've probably known it all along. I AM MY HOME. I am the only one that can seek solace for myself . I am the only one that can soothe the rage that is in my heart.
          My spiritual life was empty for many years so to fill  the void I sought comfort in the most unconventional of ways. I played with drugs, with boys...with fire mainly. I tested the waters, and tempted the tides. Its incredible how i've ever survived. I learned many consequences none of which that would've ever muffled the sound of the gears running in my head preparing for the next unsatisfactory move.
         This life style has voluntarily and  involuntarily clouded my perception of normalcy. It has also made it impossible to understand boundaries. I have mastered the art of invasion. I know not of personal space bubbles or emotional walls. I have scaled towers of cerebral distortion the way king kong climbed the empire state building, strong steady and with nothing but pure internal drive and a hint of upper body strength. My frame was frail. A 5'5" skeleton of skin and bones, scars, bruises and daggers for eyes. To know me was to hate me, but to hate me was....well....LOVE.
           My flaw. To love another with all my heart. Cliche, eghh you would think. Nauseating ...very  much so. How can one love someone to such great lengths, and at such severe costs, and hate themselves all the while. How is it even possible to bestow so much of your own time and energy into another...slowly draining your resources in more ways then one. I have lost money, pride, self esteem but most importantly....TIME. Time slips away faster then we think. Its infinite yet you can never seem to acquire enough. There's the irony.
           I am well versed in the art of conformism. There's a science to people. Twist there arm a little, they don't know it yet, but they like the pain. With this i've coached myself how to bend without breaking. Since birth I have possesed the constant need for affection. I needed to be needed. I still do, I think that's human or atleast what I know of human nature. I could've been an ant in a previous life. I've been known to feel that small. I can love to the point of desperation. Gasping for air just to survive the next full blown submission into the burning hell of love as I knew it.
               Today I learn that although those feelings are familiar they are not necessary. I can be consumed with ME. With who I am, and what is healthy. Today I have found a way home...to my home...to open the door to the rest of my life.