and they live on...

   She could trace the detailed lines of his body with only her vivid memory of the first night they slept together. She could draw road maps across his silky skin. Each scar would resemble one of the places on her journey where she had felt defeated. Completely earth shatteringly alone. Permanent markers, memorials even, of the tiny parts of her that have died along the way.
   He had small patches of dryness around his hands. A break from the velvet soft multi colored masterpiece that covered him from head to toe. The body paint forever stained on his human canvas displays portraits of the broken hearted boy he used to be.
   Through his rough hands she can feel every fist clenched argument he faced, and every solitary blood soaked tear he shed. Drying out the bruise stained skin that covered his fragile fingers.
   Neither one of them were alone anymore. Their limbs entangled in the same eternal formation as the veins are in a barely beating vessel. Her jagged smile breathed new life into that heartbroken boy, and his idle hands mended her long deceased memories.
           And they live on....

Im not the only one who knows

   How come some people can move on and some cant. How come some hold all of that pain inside of them. The regret strangles them, and the fear of moving on or letting go or even giving in is simply crippling. How come some people can cut losses and start a new path so quickly. Are things easier for them?
   What ever happens to the thinkers? The ones whose hearts can paint the mysterious portrait of the black night sky with only a single memory. Do they idly linger in the space between coming and going? Turning their confused minds right to left then back to right again. Do they not see the hope that the future promises?
    How about the quiet ones. The ones that exist in the stillness harboring a bomb where their heart should be and an overly used brain that plays tricks on itself. Do they dream? The rage. The self destructive hatred towards themselves for not being able to fucking move. They must sleep with their eyes wide open because god forbid that blind love stares them directly in the face.
      Open those pretty eyes you feeble bastard. Life awaits you

8:30 am thoughts

    8:30am rolled around and I was awake on my own free will feeling like a million bucks. Making coffee, checking facebook ( haha ), and texting some important people is how I chose to start my day. I ate a bagel and sat down on my porch to write.
    What a beautiful moment in time when I can just sit in silence in the sunshine that's pouring in my window. Watch the birds flutter by without a care in the world, and finally in my own life understand what it means to be FREE.
   I was a lot like those birds out there. I'd move around from place to place not staying anywhere too long. Dropping in on unsuspecting prey, having my way with them, feeding off of them, and than abruptly flying away. I'd pick them apart in a desperate search of whatever it was about them that satisfied me...something to soothe the yearning in my soul for that second. It was never enough. Not even the mightiest of lions could have produced enough power to appease me.
   You couldn't tell it NO. This driving force beneath my skin and bones. You could look it dead in the face, and there was absolutely no backing down under any and all circumstances. The warm sensation flowing through my body, the slight slur in speech, and absent minded thoughts were sickeningly powerful. The desire came before any rational thoughts, it knew of no boundaries or limitations. IT was all things.

    Today I am all things...with God of course. I am like those birds now in a sense that I soar around and spend a little time with everyone here and there instead of rushing past.I enjoy all of the stops... Somedays I linger longer than others. I still take but I only ever take what I need. No more or less. Filling up so that I can give it back. Rushing ONLY to my next stop in my crazy life to drop a little of the goodness I've collected elsewhere. Today I am still everywhere, but....
                                                      I am free.....

My World

 Some how, nothing has changed...yet EVERYTHING has changed. I think it's my perspective.

    Today I feel the best I have in a long time. It was an ordinary day. Didn't sleep in too long, or have anything incredible to eat for breakfast, lunch or dinner. I didn't cure world hunger or take a trip around the world. Although some how my little world felt just right.
    I wake up every day, and CHOOSE to remind myself that I am a sick woman. I know that is a controversial topic, and I should probably wake up everyday and tell myself that I am strong, and confident and all that jazz. Those things I know. I have been through enough tragedy in my life to know that I can survive. I have had enough relationships to be confident, and I have been weak enough to finally know how strong I really am. The sickness is what I forget....
   I am an alcoholic in every sense of the word. I can forget in a milisecond that living on my own free will is deadly. I can forget the horrors of a month, a week or even a moment ago. My ability to make a snap emotion filled impulse based decision is uncanny. I can rock my own world harder than Neil Young was rockin it in the free world if ya know what I'm sayin. I need to know that I'm not quite right sometimes...that keeps it green for me. Once I start thinkin i'm up there with God is when things start goin horribly wrong down here on earth.
   I am blessed today to have gained back my power of choice. To see things for what they truely are and not for the fantasized ideological version of them I have made up in my head. When bad things happen, and by bad things I don't just mean shitty circumstances, I mean anything that doesn't necessarily go my way gets thrown in that category also. But when those things crop up I can stop and breathe, and realize that they will pass. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly....but indefinitely.
   I am happy to be alive. Whether there's heartache or happiness. I will choose to be happy for that moment. For all of those moments. They will all come together one day in the grand scheme of things, and I will call them MY LIFE.