Last night was filled with so many beautifully surreal moments for me. It was the first time in my sobriety that my motives made perfect sense. Whatever feeling I felt was pure, it was natural...It was not forced or questioned. Every look, every slight of hand was with innocence and grace.
I have questioned every waking moment of my life for over 100 days now. Am I doing this right? Am I thinking clearly? Is this healthy, is that an option..is it a good option? Do I move or stand still, Do I listen or do I speak? This living thing has been quite the challenge. I am flawed. So very very flawed.
I work a little harder each day to make sure I maintain a solid level of sobriety. That I speak good word, but carry it out with equal actions. I try to do everything differently than I have been doing it for 24 years, and I still fall short. I can beat myself up pretty badly about that. Like why do I do these things? Why do I still think that unacceptable behaviors are acceptable? Why do I feel like I still know what's best?
I knew well before I realized I was an alcoholic that my motives could not be trusted. I couldn't make up my mind as to where I wanted to eat lunch or what color outfit to wear to the 6th grade yet I was putting so much pressure on myself to pick a partner, or a major or be the first female president. I thought I could do everything, that I was the best girlfriend for every man in the world, or the best friend to all my friends. I thought I had it all figured out. My sick mind knew nothing my heart couldn't fake.
and I was wrong.
I had nothing. Everything I ever had...tangible, living, good or bad...they were all illusions. I was living in a delusion filled drug world where I believed every sick word I said with every beating of my heart. I wouldn't have hurt a fly yet everything around me was dying, including myself...and I know today that I was veryyyy much to blame.
Last night was the first time that I just knew. It was an "ahh haa" moment. I've been asking god to help me, to let me know when I find whatever it is I've been looking for my whole life. Let me hear the lesson when the teacher appears. Well my teacher appeared last night, quite literally, in a red thermal, and dark jeans. He was wearing the same charismatic smile I had left him with, and his hand still fit exactly in mine. Every ill thought had been removed , and I was left alone with faith. I have no reservations today about my life, or OUR life if it is gods will. I am free of the bondage of self and I have only one person to thank for that.
Thank you God for all you have given me.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
your partner
Lately the only thing that has been resonating in the for front of my mind is LOVE. Which is strange because that has kind of been a distant thought, considering my sobriety has trumped the importance of most things, as it should. Being the sober healthy woman that I am today I am able to start to use my now clear mind to try to remember the things I wanted in my life before I had become to lost to find them.
I wanted a lot of things...I wanted to be a a psychologist, an accountant, a restaurant owner...I wanted to own a huge house with a pool, drive a brand new car, take multiple vacations or if I was lucky even ONE vacation a DECADE. I wanted many things. Some were feasible some were dreams of sheer lunacy, but of all the things I can recall needing my main goal was always to be an incredible mother and an even better wife.
Even in my addiction, which was harder than you can imagine considering the areas in which my disease stems from, I tried with all I had to be a good girlfriend. My tools though were all very selfishly inspired then. I also had no idea of this until just recently. I was selfless, but at all the wrong times. I was loving when it was convenient and I was hateful when I deemed it necessary. I was the love of your life, and the devil on your shoulder. I was conflicted, and in turn conflicted those closest to me. How was I to expect to receive an amazing partner when all I was was broken.
Today I understand what it means to be a partner. I also know what I need out of the man that becomes MY partner. The grace i've learned has taught me how to truly love an individual, to accept their flaws, and to not condemn them as I had been so easily pardoned in the past, it is now a great honor of mine to learn that same forgiveness. I am told that expectations are bad, and that in Gods world the only thing I am to expect is that life is going to happen, and I am going to have to find a way to exist in the madness. Well personally I think some expectations are healthy especially when choosing your partner.
I only expect to get back what I put into my relationship. If I put in compassion, show me your innocence. If I extend my hand please always meet it with yours. When I am weak hold me with the same strength in your arms, as I will always find to hold you in my own.
I need someone who values their own life as much as I value their existence in my crazy world. Someone who also puts me third to god and to their sobriety. Someone who listens a little more and talks a little less, puts their cell phone down, or turns off the radio in the car when they know they hadn't prayed that day. I want the man I find to know what it means to sacrifice for me the way I will forever sacrifice my own devices for our relationship.
One day I will get exactly what I give, and today I am proud to be able to say that is LOVE.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
perfectly imperfect
I've been thinking a lot today. When I started this blog that would've been such a cliche statement, but to be honest I haven't been lost in too much thought lately....I've been choosing to really trust in god.
Well today was a little different. I prayed multiple times, I asked him, begged him really, to direct my thinking...Mainly though I asked him why?..
Of all the times I have called upon him with this simple phrase, this time was very different. Those three letters popped up a lot during my addiction, considering that all began when I was 11 years old, for the sake of it, I'll just say for the bulk of my young life I have thoroughly abused this question. Why me? Why am I hurting? Why am I high again, drunk again, lost again again and again? Why am I not the superhero I was sure I was? Why don't they like me, or love me, or why dooo they love me so much, and what the hell have I done? I could go on for pages..
Then today it dawned on me as I was asking god this oh too familiar inquiry...I should really be saying WHAT instead of WHY. What can I do to stop the hurting? What can I do to ensure I will no longer live as a sick person, a sick woman? What can I strive for that will make me of maximum service to my loved ones? I need action in my life not more questions that I lose sleep over.
Why means that I doubt myself, it means that I question my judgement, my way of life. What means that I am trying, that I am growing and learning as long as I keep asking.
When I got sober I wanted to turn everythinggg over to god. All of my character defects, all of my problems. I was finally willing. During this time and the few months to follow I realized I gave up literally everything I had. I forgot that even though those characteristics were defects, they were only that way because I was using them defectively. Some of my character traits were good and actually worth holding on to. So needless to say I've been walkin around kind of confused.
I put so much pressure on myself to do gods will alone that I forgot what the hell I was even doing. I forgot how to live in the mean time. I forgot the ability to feel as a human, and in turn the irony is that I carried out gods will so strongly that I started to decide what I thought his will was and what was right and wrong. Only an alcoholic can sit and depict what she thinks god is trying to say to fit what she wants to hear.
I need always to remember first that I am human, secondly that I am a very sick human, and thirdly that it is ok to live one way as long as I am not praying another. God expects me to fall inlove with the wrong people, to open the bag of pretzels when I haven't gotten to the register yet, but most of all he expects me to play in traffic because even though I am crazy, he knows that with him I will never get hurt.
Well today was a little different. I prayed multiple times, I asked him, begged him really, to direct my thinking...Mainly though I asked him why?..
Of all the times I have called upon him with this simple phrase, this time was very different. Those three letters popped up a lot during my addiction, considering that all began when I was 11 years old, for the sake of it, I'll just say for the bulk of my young life I have thoroughly abused this question. Why me? Why am I hurting? Why am I high again, drunk again, lost again again and again? Why am I not the superhero I was sure I was? Why don't they like me, or love me, or why dooo they love me so much, and what the hell have I done? I could go on for pages..
Then today it dawned on me as I was asking god this oh too familiar inquiry...I should really be saying WHAT instead of WHY. What can I do to stop the hurting? What can I do to ensure I will no longer live as a sick person, a sick woman? What can I strive for that will make me of maximum service to my loved ones? I need action in my life not more questions that I lose sleep over.
Why means that I doubt myself, it means that I question my judgement, my way of life. What means that I am trying, that I am growing and learning as long as I keep asking.
When I got sober I wanted to turn everythinggg over to god. All of my character defects, all of my problems. I was finally willing. During this time and the few months to follow I realized I gave up literally everything I had. I forgot that even though those characteristics were defects, they were only that way because I was using them defectively. Some of my character traits were good and actually worth holding on to. So needless to say I've been walkin around kind of confused.
I put so much pressure on myself to do gods will alone that I forgot what the hell I was even doing. I forgot how to live in the mean time. I forgot the ability to feel as a human, and in turn the irony is that I carried out gods will so strongly that I started to decide what I thought his will was and what was right and wrong. Only an alcoholic can sit and depict what she thinks god is trying to say to fit what she wants to hear.
I need always to remember first that I am human, secondly that I am a very sick human, and thirdly that it is ok to live one way as long as I am not praying another. God expects me to fall inlove with the wrong people, to open the bag of pretzels when I haven't gotten to the register yet, but most of all he expects me to play in traffic because even though I am crazy, he knows that with him I will never get hurt.
Monday, January 20, 2014
bittersweet
My life is so bittersweet today, it's kind of a miracle...and when I say kind of, I mean indefinitely.
For starters I woke up sober today for the 96th day in a row. That is a blessing in itself that I did not feel the need today or for the past 95 days that preceded to ingest anything mood, mind or body altering to accomplish an entire day.
I slept in...I don't normally sleep so this was blessing number two of the day. I lie awake at night, and often times into the morning and torture myself with things I think I shouldve said or something I didn't do, but apparently at 3 oclock in the morning it is very apparent that these things were life or death.....RIGHTTT. Then I finally fall asleep. Mainly from exhaustion at this point. Only to wake in the morning and have vague recollection of what the hell was keeping me up to all hours of the night. Hey atleast I am able to worry. I didn't give a shit enough to even live for years so who am I to complain about my qualms. It's the small victories ya kno?
I laughed today. Blessing three....the list goes on and on. Mind you that's 3 small miracles all before noon. Gods work at its finest. This laugh though... It was genuine, and the humor wasn't used to mask emotions that my previous mentally and emotionally void self was unable to deal with. It wasn't used as a defense mechanism or a shield. It came from that very pit of my stomach, you know the place where all the good chuckles come from, the part that gives u a belly ache and a short lived case of heartburn..yea...it was just like that.
I got to spread some hope...a little bit all day long.It's a beautiful thing, first and foremost, to even have that to give. Especially when you get to share it with the hopeless. I've been one of them, it's a pain unlike any other. Who ever thought that just a smile can make someones day. I always smile. I used to hide behind it like a wounded soldier defending the last little bit of his integrity. It said " i'm fine" but if you know me well enough, at my worst it said " i'm breaking". I smile now because it feels nice to enjoy things...things that seemed so obsolete before. Like the sunshine or being able to find a dime on the ground and not feel the need to scavenge to seek out ninety more cents for it to be worth anything. Today a dime is 10 cents more then I had 5 minutes ago, not 90 cents short of a whole dollar.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful that I no longer have to miss those small victories, and that I am able to feel gratitude for all of lifes little miracles be them big or small. I am recovered today, I am not, nor will I ever be cured, but I am healthy and for me that is the most incredible miracle of all.
For starters I woke up sober today for the 96th day in a row. That is a blessing in itself that I did not feel the need today or for the past 95 days that preceded to ingest anything mood, mind or body altering to accomplish an entire day.
I slept in...I don't normally sleep so this was blessing number two of the day. I lie awake at night, and often times into the morning and torture myself with things I think I shouldve said or something I didn't do, but apparently at 3 oclock in the morning it is very apparent that these things were life or death.....RIGHTTT. Then I finally fall asleep. Mainly from exhaustion at this point. Only to wake in the morning and have vague recollection of what the hell was keeping me up to all hours of the night. Hey atleast I am able to worry. I didn't give a shit enough to even live for years so who am I to complain about my qualms. It's the small victories ya kno?
I laughed today. Blessing three....the list goes on and on. Mind you that's 3 small miracles all before noon. Gods work at its finest. This laugh though... It was genuine, and the humor wasn't used to mask emotions that my previous mentally and emotionally void self was unable to deal with. It wasn't used as a defense mechanism or a shield. It came from that very pit of my stomach, you know the place where all the good chuckles come from, the part that gives u a belly ache and a short lived case of heartburn..yea...it was just like that.
I got to spread some hope...a little bit all day long.It's a beautiful thing, first and foremost, to even have that to give. Especially when you get to share it with the hopeless. I've been one of them, it's a pain unlike any other. Who ever thought that just a smile can make someones day. I always smile. I used to hide behind it like a wounded soldier defending the last little bit of his integrity. It said " i'm fine" but if you know me well enough, at my worst it said " i'm breaking". I smile now because it feels nice to enjoy things...things that seemed so obsolete before. Like the sunshine or being able to find a dime on the ground and not feel the need to scavenge to seek out ninety more cents for it to be worth anything. Today a dime is 10 cents more then I had 5 minutes ago, not 90 cents short of a whole dollar.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful that I no longer have to miss those small victories, and that I am able to feel gratitude for all of lifes little miracles be them big or small. I am recovered today, I am not, nor will I ever be cured, but I am healthy and for me that is the most incredible miracle of all.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Do it!
What's with love?
It's not supposed to be easy, I get that, but does it have to be so hard?...
Love is the one emotion in the whole universe that baffles us like no other. It's beautiful, incredible, and incredibly TERRIFYING.It's REAL, and when it's real it's definitely real, but when it's not....well, its horribly painful borderline devastating, over the edge bat shit crazy.
We all want it, but than the moment we have it we piss it away 99% of the time.We can't handle it or we don't appreciate it until we feel the pain of losing it. Or we call it lust, which i'll get to later, and we chalk it up as a loss. If by sheer chance that we don't do any of those things and we become genuinely simpatico butterflies making me nauseous on the regular can't keep my hands, eyes, lips off of you kind of inlove, than you hold onto that. Fall inlove over and over again. A little more every day. Turned on not only by their dashing good looks, but with their mind...with every beautiful thought they think, with the way they smell, the way their voice sounds. How groggy they are in the morning or how they always take too long in the shower. Love them because not only do you need them...you WANT them, and only them every day...forever!
So than what's the deal with loneliness....we're needy us women, well us humans really...men are just as bad. We're lonely when we're not in a relationship, we're lonely when we are in a relationship and our partner just happens to not be around. or be in the same room or be up our ass where I tend to like to keep them for safety purposes of course...we're lonely when we're alone alone, we're lonely when we're surrounded by a ton of people,especially if they're not any of the people that we " want " necessarily. We become blind when we fall inlove. We see one person and one person only...which in marriage is a beautiful thing, or when your in an equally happy honest partnership, NOT when your inlove and the other person either doesn't have a clueeee about the way you feel OR when the person doessss know how you feel, and doesn't feel the same. Love man....rough.
This brings me to LUST. Hmmmm lust is a tricky one. This one gets us every time. Now me, i'm a lover...I wanna be your rock, I wanna pick you up when the rest of the world has let you down. This contrary emotion often gets the best of us, me included. Lust feels good, it feels right. It's that instant spark, the initial " our eyes met from across the room and we just knew" feeling. God do I love that. You haven't even spoke a single word to this person and in the 15 seconds it takes you to walk over to them you've already mentally written atleast a paragraph of your wedding vows and picked out the colors of your bridesmaid dresses. Yep! That's the human race.
I think although that lust is crucial because it's what keeps us still believing that love is real. We know that we're not dead inside, it makes us feel good. Hope is everlasting and it keeps us motivated. I need to melt inside sometimes when someone touches my hand, I need to remember that the world is not as cold as I wanna think it is when i've been alone too long.
In conclusion, all of this ewy gooey emotional crap is confusing, but that's what this big funny overpopulated world is all about. So go with your gut, have faith...and just LOVE/LUST and be HAPPY for that moment, that moment is your life
It's not supposed to be easy, I get that, but does it have to be so hard?...
Love is the one emotion in the whole universe that baffles us like no other. It's beautiful, incredible, and incredibly TERRIFYING.It's REAL, and when it's real it's definitely real, but when it's not....well, its horribly painful borderline devastating, over the edge bat shit crazy.
We all want it, but than the moment we have it we piss it away 99% of the time.We can't handle it or we don't appreciate it until we feel the pain of losing it. Or we call it lust, which i'll get to later, and we chalk it up as a loss. If by sheer chance that we don't do any of those things and we become genuinely simpatico butterflies making me nauseous on the regular can't keep my hands, eyes, lips off of you kind of inlove, than you hold onto that. Fall inlove over and over again. A little more every day. Turned on not only by their dashing good looks, but with their mind...with every beautiful thought they think, with the way they smell, the way their voice sounds. How groggy they are in the morning or how they always take too long in the shower. Love them because not only do you need them...you WANT them, and only them every day...forever!
So than what's the deal with loneliness....we're needy us women, well us humans really...men are just as bad. We're lonely when we're not in a relationship, we're lonely when we are in a relationship and our partner just happens to not be around. or be in the same room or be up our ass where I tend to like to keep them for safety purposes of course...we're lonely when we're alone alone, we're lonely when we're surrounded by a ton of people,especially if they're not any of the people that we " want " necessarily. We become blind when we fall inlove. We see one person and one person only...which in marriage is a beautiful thing, or when your in an equally happy honest partnership, NOT when your inlove and the other person either doesn't have a clueeee about the way you feel OR when the person doessss know how you feel, and doesn't feel the same. Love man....rough.
This brings me to LUST. Hmmmm lust is a tricky one. This one gets us every time. Now me, i'm a lover...I wanna be your rock, I wanna pick you up when the rest of the world has let you down. This contrary emotion often gets the best of us, me included. Lust feels good, it feels right. It's that instant spark, the initial " our eyes met from across the room and we just knew" feeling. God do I love that. You haven't even spoke a single word to this person and in the 15 seconds it takes you to walk over to them you've already mentally written atleast a paragraph of your wedding vows and picked out the colors of your bridesmaid dresses. Yep! That's the human race.
I think although that lust is crucial because it's what keeps us still believing that love is real. We know that we're not dead inside, it makes us feel good. Hope is everlasting and it keeps us motivated. I need to melt inside sometimes when someone touches my hand, I need to remember that the world is not as cold as I wanna think it is when i've been alone too long.
In conclusion, all of this ewy gooey emotional crap is confusing, but that's what this big funny overpopulated world is all about. So go with your gut, have faith...and just LOVE/LUST and be HAPPY for that moment, that moment is your life
Thursday, January 2, 2014
safe haven
What is safe? The textbook definition states: protected from or not exposed to danger or risk; not likely to be harmed or lost. also uninjured; with no harm done.
If this is the case...I have never been safe. None of us are ever REALLY safe. Think about it. We are all exposed to danger and risk every single day. There are accidents of all kinds. Car accidents, slips/ falls...There is violence as a result of arguments involving loved ones, drugs, money. We have natural disasters. Tornados that rip up houses, and tsunamis that flood the lives of people who already have little to nothing to call their own. We live in a constant state of danger. Taking the risk daily to lead our lives as normally as possible dodging all of the unknown landmines that may creep up as a result.
Uninjured...forget it. We have all experienced harms done. Varying degrees i'm sure, but devastation hits all of us at some point or another. There are wrongs we do unto others daily that put them in harms way, and wrongs done unto us that push us closer to insecurity. The human race is indefinitely incapable of complete protection from themselves, others and the very world around them.
We must create safety. We must find that inner peace somewhere past our racing hearts and weary thoughts. Since danger is inevitable the only thing that we can control is our attitude and outlook upon the tragedies that surround us.
Me..I find my safe haven wherever I find God.
I see him in my mind every time I begin to ponder a selfish dishonest thought.
I see him each time I try to force my hand and will upon that which I have no business in dealing.
I see him when I am walking down the road, or shopping or cooking or wherever I am, whatever i'm doing. I see him the most when I'm in danger...Really when I am a danger to myself. HE keeps me safe.
This roller coaster ride of addiction has thrown me through loops, it has hung me upside down, shot me straight up and rushed me right back down to earth. My theme park ride life style has spared no prisoners. It would strap you in tight and not let you out until you were so sick and delirious that all you could do was think to get right back on and go for another round. It was extremely harmful, injurious, and devastatingly UNsafe. I pray today, I pray everyday to stay close to my sanctuary. To stick to my AA roots, and take refuge in the fact that I may not always be out of harms way, but I will never have to be alone in my journey.
If this is the case...I have never been safe. None of us are ever REALLY safe. Think about it. We are all exposed to danger and risk every single day. There are accidents of all kinds. Car accidents, slips/ falls...There is violence as a result of arguments involving loved ones, drugs, money. We have natural disasters. Tornados that rip up houses, and tsunamis that flood the lives of people who already have little to nothing to call their own. We live in a constant state of danger. Taking the risk daily to lead our lives as normally as possible dodging all of the unknown landmines that may creep up as a result.
Uninjured...forget it. We have all experienced harms done. Varying degrees i'm sure, but devastation hits all of us at some point or another. There are wrongs we do unto others daily that put them in harms way, and wrongs done unto us that push us closer to insecurity. The human race is indefinitely incapable of complete protection from themselves, others and the very world around them.
We must create safety. We must find that inner peace somewhere past our racing hearts and weary thoughts. Since danger is inevitable the only thing that we can control is our attitude and outlook upon the tragedies that surround us.
Me..I find my safe haven wherever I find God.
I see him in my mind every time I begin to ponder a selfish dishonest thought.
I see him each time I try to force my hand and will upon that which I have no business in dealing.
I see him when I am walking down the road, or shopping or cooking or wherever I am, whatever i'm doing. I see him the most when I'm in danger...Really when I am a danger to myself. HE keeps me safe.
This roller coaster ride of addiction has thrown me through loops, it has hung me upside down, shot me straight up and rushed me right back down to earth. My theme park ride life style has spared no prisoners. It would strap you in tight and not let you out until you were so sick and delirious that all you could do was think to get right back on and go for another round. It was extremely harmful, injurious, and devastatingly UNsafe. I pray today, I pray everyday to stay close to my sanctuary. To stick to my AA roots, and take refuge in the fact that I may not always be out of harms way, but I will never have to be alone in my journey.
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