your partner

         Lately the only thing that has been resonating in the for front of my mind is LOVE. Which is strange because that has kind of been a distant thought, considering my sobriety has trumped the importance of most things, as it should. Being the sober healthy woman that I am today I am able to start to use my now clear mind to try to remember the things I wanted in my life before I had become to lost to find them. 

      I wanted a lot of things...I wanted to be a a psychologist, an accountant, a restaurant owner...I wanted to own a huge house with a pool, drive a brand new car, take multiple vacations or if I was lucky even ONE vacation a DECADE. I wanted many things. Some were feasible some were dreams of sheer lunacy, but of all the things I can recall needing my main goal was always to be an incredible mother and an even better wife. 

     Even in my addiction, which was harder than you can imagine considering the areas in which my disease stems from, I tried with all I had to be a good girlfriend. My tools though were all very selfishly inspired then. I also had no idea of this until just recently. I was selfless, but at all the wrong times. I was loving when it was convenient and I was hateful when I deemed it necessary. I was the love of your life, and the devil on your shoulder. I was conflicted, and in turn conflicted those closest to me. How was I to expect to receive an amazing partner when all I was was broken.

       Today I understand what it means to be a partner. I also know what I need out of the man that becomes MY partner. The grace i've learned has taught me how to truly love an individual, to accept their flaws, and to not condemn them as I had been so easily pardoned in the past, it is now a great honor of mine to learn that same forgiveness. I am told that expectations are bad, and that in Gods world the only thing I am to expect is that life is going to happen, and I am going to have to find a way to exist in the madness. Well personally I think some expectations are healthy especially when choosing your partner.

        I only expect to get back what I put into my relationship. If I put in compassion, show me your innocence. If I extend my hand please always meet it with yours. When I am weak hold me with the same strength in your arms, as I will always find to hold you in my own.

       I need someone who values their own life as much as I value their existence in my crazy world. Someone who also puts me third to god and to their sobriety. Someone who listens a little more and talks a little less, puts their cell phone down, or turns off the radio in the car when they know they hadn't prayed that day. I want the man I find to know what it means to sacrifice for me the way I will forever sacrifice my own devices for our relationship. 

      One day I will get exactly what I give, and today I am proud to be able to say that is LOVE.