The Teacher

     Last night was filled with so many beautifully surreal moments for me. It was the first time in my sobriety that my motives made perfect sense. Whatever feeling I felt was pure, it was natural...It was not forced or questioned. Every look, every slight of hand was with innocence and grace.
     I have questioned every waking moment of my life for over 100 days now. Am I doing this right? Am I thinking clearly? Is this healthy, is that an option..is it a good option? Do I move or stand still, Do I listen or do I speak? This living thing has been quite the challenge. I am flawed. So very very flawed.
     I work  a little harder each day to make sure I maintain a solid level of sobriety. That I speak good word, but carry it out with equal actions. I try to do everything differently than I have been doing it for 24 years, and I still fall short. I can beat myself up pretty badly about that. Like why do I do these things? Why do I still think that unacceptable behaviors are acceptable? Why do I feel like I still know what's best?
       I knew well before I realized I was an alcoholic that my motives could not be trusted. I couldn't make up my mind as to where I wanted to eat lunch or what color outfit to wear to the 6th grade yet I was putting so much pressure on myself to pick a partner, or a major or be the first female president. I thought I could do everything, that I was the best girlfriend for every man in the world, or the best friend to all my friends. I thought I had it all figured out. My sick mind knew nothing my heart couldn't fake.
    and I was wrong.
    I had nothing. Everything I ever had...tangible, living, good or bad...they were all illusions. I was living in a delusion filled drug world where I believed every sick word I said with every beating of my heart.  I wouldn't have hurt a fly yet everything around me was dying, including myself...and I know today that I was veryyyy much to blame.
     Last night was the first time that I  just knew. It was an "ahh haa" moment. I've been asking god to help me, to let me know when I find whatever it is I've been looking for my whole life. Let me hear the lesson when the teacher appears. Well my teacher appeared last night, quite literally, in a red thermal, and dark jeans. He was wearing the same charismatic smile I had left him with, and his hand still fit exactly in mine. Every ill thought had been removed , and I was left alone with faith. I have no reservations today about my life, or OUR life if it is gods will. I am free of the bondage of self and I have only one person to thank for that.
                                     Thank you God for all you have given me.