bittersweet

      My life is so bittersweet today, it's kind of a miracle...and when I say kind of, I mean indefinitely.

     For starters I woke up sober today for the 96th day in a row. That is a blessing in itself that I did not feel the need today or for the past 95 days that preceded to ingest anything mood, mind or body altering to accomplish an entire day.
    I slept in...I don't normally sleep so this was blessing number two of the day. I lie awake at night, and often times into the morning and torture myself with things I think I shouldve said or something I didn't do, but apparently at 3 oclock in the morning it is very apparent that these things were life or death.....RIGHTTT. Then I finally fall asleep. Mainly from exhaustion at this point. Only to wake in the morning and have vague recollection of what the hell was keeping me up to all hours of the night. Hey atleast I am able to worry. I didn't give a shit enough to even live for years so who am I to complain about my qualms. It's the small victories ya kno?
    I laughed today. Blessing three....the list goes on and on. Mind you that's 3 small miracles all before noon. Gods work at its finest. This laugh though... It was genuine, and the humor wasn't used to mask emotions that my previous mentally and emotionally void self was unable to deal with. It wasn't used as a defense mechanism or a shield. It came from that very pit of my stomach, you know the place where all the good chuckles come from, the part that gives u a belly ache and a short lived case of heartburn..yea...it was just like that.
      I got to spread some hope...a little bit all day long.It's a beautiful thing, first and foremost, to even have that to give. Especially when you get to share it with the hopeless. I've been one of them, it's a pain unlike any other. Who ever thought that just a smile can make someones day.  I always smile. I used to hide behind it like a wounded soldier defending the last little bit of his integrity. It said " i'm fine" but if you know me well enough, at my worst it said " i'm breaking". I smile now because it feels nice to enjoy things...things that seemed so obsolete before. Like the sunshine or being able to find a dime on the ground and not feel the need to scavenge to seek out ninety more cents for it to be worth anything. Today a dime is 10 cents more then I had 5 minutes ago, not 90 cents short of a whole dollar.
       I guess what I'm getting at is that I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful that I no longer have to miss those small victories, and that I am able to feel gratitude for all of lifes little miracles be them big or small. I am recovered today, I am not, nor will I ever be cured, but I am healthy and for me that is the most incredible miracle of all.