Plans

    There have been so many times in my life where I felt as though God hated me, or the world was against me. I had thought I was being punished or tested or set up to fail. Today I realize that the universe is actually protecting me from my own perspective of " how its supposed to be". That maybe this life I envisioned for myself wasn't going to be all I had it cracked up to be, and I am so thankful for divine intervention.
    As we grow up from childhood to adulthood, and then well into our later years we constantly build on the idea we get in our heads of how it should be. How we would like it to be...etc.. There are situations that I could not fathom, at the time atleast, playing out any differently. Say there was a boy I liked. My mind can be made up in two seconds that it hasssss to be him, or the reverse of that, someone likes me that may not be the person I invisioned in "my plan" and I write them off right from the start. Or say I've always wanted to live in California, but some how all arrows point to South Jersey. This list of circumstances could go on and on. From where I thought Id be at 25 or where I thought I should've went to school, or which pet I was meant to have.
   At the end of the day I have realized that the only way it should've been is exactly the way it was and is. That I am only a human being and I can not possibly know what is always best for me or what my destiny is. I have forced my hand in so many situations. The anxiety would strangle me and I'd play devils advocate over and over again. It had gotten so crazy, the contorting, manipulating...cutting up puzzle pieces so they would fit the picture in my head, the only way my eyes could possibly see it. Ya know what I FAILED. I failed every single time because no matter how many alterations I made the pieces were never going to fit perfectly together. I would never have been able to survive the cost of living in California, and that boy I liked wouldn't be around after the fairy tale began to take a wicked turn.
    I trust god now. After years of battling his will verse mine. After habitually questioning his logic to my addictive reasoning. Today I just go with it. I lose a job, ya know what that wasn't my calling. I lose a boyfriend, ya know what he wasn't the one. I live in south jersey because the big man has people here that he needs me to meet. People whose lives I can change and who can forever change mine. This unknown mystery not so planned plan is working much better than anything my sick mind could have created with the stereo types of how it should have been. And just for today I am ok with that.