powerful

   Ya know some days I think life is really really hard. I guess I should join the crowd right? There are days, many in fact, where I have contemplated the point of existence in general. Sometimes these lulls are only a few hours, sometimes they are days on end where my mind is just so absorbed in self deprecation that I can not see a resolution to the madness. You go through all the why mes? How come? What the hell?. you have no answers to these common questions because if you had even the slightest of a clue you wouldn't need to ask them at all. Let it go.
   My step mom sent me a ring that I wear faithfully. It says " Hope is everlasting, be true to you". She will never understand how much those few small words mean to me. Hope itself is powerful. Hold On Pain Ends. That is so true. There is always an end to these spells of depression. God always has an answered to our unanswerable questions...patience is the only option a lot of the time. The one thing that we don't possess as alcoholics. What I have learned though is that the things I get right away I lose. I get it, whatever it may be, and it's like a game. Once I have it I see no point in it. Almost like a child that can't wait to open their new toy on Christmas only to find that an hour later he's playing with the box. Today I don't allow myself to take things so quickly no matter how bad I want them. Also I don't give myself so freely to those who are too eager.
   The second part of that simple piece of jewelry is "be true to you". There are times in my life where I didn't know my ass from my elbow. I couldn't tell you who the president was or even where I had woken up that morning. I was a mess with a pretty smile and a pocketbook that like my soul carried the weight of the world. I could never get any higher than the lowest they've ever made me feel. So I sank. I forgot what life was about. I forgot how to live, who I was. If you would've called me I would cringe at the sound of my own name.
   I am true to myself now. " my greatest fear is not that I am inadequate, it is that I am powerful beyond measure." That strength is used to be selfless today. It is used to speak my words carefully, and to give my emotions with grace in a timely manner. It is best used to love. Not to lust, to run or to fear, but to cast everything I thought I knew to the side, and to LIVE. To live WELL.