My life can be pretty dreadful when I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It shows so much through my actions, and my words. It speaks volumes to how sick that I can still be.....
Today marks 5 months of total abstinence. I promise you it wasn't easy. To change my habits, my motives, to forget about my best friends ( drugs and alcohol ), and to force myself to take ownership over the things that I do today.
When I make mistakes...they aren't necessarily considered that anymore. Once you know what you are capable of, and the repercussions of your actions...those mistakes become choices, and those choices become very very bad decisions. Everyday that the sun peaks through my window, I am reminded of those choices that I've made. My sobriety also very casually reminds me that I need to feel those things today. Feel all those consequences, and take responsibility for all that I do.
The sickness in me is strong. It can easily pass the blame and justify highly unjustifiable thoughts in my mind. Those red flags easily show green and all engines roar. I can make up my mind in point 5 seconds, but the difference today is that I KNOW that I am wrong. I didn't know it then. I didn't see how I played the game...I didn't see that I was powerful beyond every stretch of the imagination. Knowing this, and than having to put out the fire is hard for an addictive person. Once I acknowledge my super power, the LAST thing I want to do is give it up.
My disease wants me to test the limits. It wants to spread me so thin that I crack, but I won't break.Not now...I refuse to let this compulsion decide my fate. I refuse to let obsessive thoughts pull my brain into unthinkable territories.
Today will be the day that I take back my life, and live the correct " normal " way.
Stay with me lord
No comments:
Post a Comment