understand

   I think that god is trying to really tell me something this time. He is constantly testing my will...he knows me too well. He knows that I like to force my hand in things, and push my limits and those of everyone around me. Self will run riot right?...His will is the only one worth focusing on. Patience is the key. Wasn't blessed with that ability...to patiently wait for things. I am an addicted individual. If it isn't right now, it's never. If it isn't instantly gratifying, it isn't worth it. BE STILL SAM....you have been so sadly mistaken.
    I have been know to make hasty decisions. I can do things ass backwards. Rushing, unconsciously throwing myself into mess upon mess of emotional webbing that I struggle time and time again to break free of. The tear drenched strands follow me, forever entangling me in new webs of lies and heartbreak.
   I was sick then. Now is different. It's very different. I've learn to slow down. Crawling into situations, feeling them out. I do not use such beautiful sacred words in vein any longer. Today UNDERSTANDING what it means to love is incredibly and unexplainably more important than it is to simply go through the motions of loving. If that made sense.
   Love isn't you say it and then I say it back. It isn't an emotion that is felt today and is fleeting tomorrow. It is in bad times, good times, painful turning points, and easy streets. It is a forever kind of thing, and it is to never be taken for granted. Sometimes it's the best when it feels the worst. That's when it's real. When you can look at the person, your heart is in shambles, and you couldn't possibly love them any more. That is living proof that miracles exist.
   I have fled from the lives of those who have loved me, so it is only fair that life would throw me a curve ball. A lesson in my disease driven ways. What a painfully special reminder it has been to keep it green. I will choose to be brave today. To pick up my world, every heavy broken slice of it. It will not weigh me down, but it will allow me to grow.