color

             Man it feels like it's been forever since I've written, way too much going on I suppose. My life is chaotic to say the least, but I don't know that I'd change a moment of it for anything. I like to know that I'm someones superhero...that I've helped them, if even for a second. I like to think that gods intent for me on earth was to spread my love to those around me.
            My world, from the time I can remember, has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs...highs and lows. One minute I'd be on top of the world and for the next 6 days of the week I'd be buried underneath it. It's a sad existence some days, but my good days are priceless. I've seen the faces of living angels, and I have too felt the flames of death.
            When I was young I convinced myself that there had to be more to this. That somewhere, someday I'd realize that it doesn't all have to be so crazy. This for me, was a hard pill to swallow. My body runs on adrenaline, anxiousness and COFFEE. I sleep little to none, I work more then I do anything else...I take the same road to work everyday, in the same restaurant corroded sneakers and ketchup stained apron. I keep a calendar book of all the bills I owe, and I leave myself notes on the whiteboard on the fridge...as if my neurotic self would forget anyway. My days, now that I'm older are less crazy...or different crazy should I say....
           Growing up it was literally surviving. Much like it is today, but my worst days now could not compare to even my best days then. That was hell...this here I guess is purgatory. I faced demons then. BIG ONES Things that were far out of my comprehension. Seeing only black and white rainbows, and tear soaked pillow cases. Today I am able to see in color.
            Things are just as scary in color, but atleast it gives the present state a hint of life. Now that my world so to speak has leveled out, and I no longer wait in immediate danger, my mind lies dormant. So naturally I have to create new chaos for myself. My thoughts travel with the speed of light. If there's nothing to worry, I automatically conjure something to obsess about. I have to function at 120mph at even my lowest point. I do not know any other way. So maybe things aren't crazy today, maybe I just work myself up more then I should. The bills will get paid, some how they always do. My friends will find there own way even if I am not there to guide them, and my heart will still beat at 80mph if I can ever learn to decelerate. But for today acknowledgment is enough, and clarity is in the near future. Thank you god