frustration

My life is horribly frustrating...horribly frustrating in the fact that I mainly torture MYSELF. You could classify me as insane on any given day. Doing, saying, acting the same way and expecting a different result. Constantly waiting on a miracle to occur where my wallet magically fills with money upon opening it. My car has an unlimited amount of fuel, the refrigerator is always full and I can leave my air conditioner running without fearing the electric bill. I buy things I know that I don't need, and I always buy them at the most inconvenient times. You'd think I was rich the way I spend so frivolously. I have worked since the day they would let me and I haven't quit since. Always making sure my bills were paid, on time, never late. I always paid more then the minimum on my credit cards, had back up tooth paste, toilet paper and shampoo in the house. Knowing all of this, whatever money I had other wise went out the window. I'd leave a tiny cushion in a savings account, but other then that gone it went. I'll be the first to complain that I'm broke, but I'll also be the first person to get another job to compensate. I have been buried alive time and time again, today not being any exception, but I do everything in my power to stay afloat. I make sure that the rabbit is tended too, that we have food in our house, and running water. I get bored and paint my house a hundred different colors,buy patio furniture for a patio that I haven't built yet...Impulsive is a good word for it. One day I'll realize that I'm not running out of time. Patience is a virtue, and I would kill to know what that must feel like. I rush to do everything, and then once it's done instead of enjoying it...I stop for a second, smile, then race off to accomplish the next task. I envy my friend Sean in so many ways. He sees things, and he chooses to see them as positively as he can. It's not always easy for me to find the good in the things I've done. I'll criticize my paint strokes or the placement of the furniture. How ironic it is that I trust myself too much when it comes to money, knowing I'll always provide, but I doubt my every day decisions. Maybe I shouldn't have had 3 cups of coffee this morning or maybe I should have picked red instead of pink at the nail salon. Sean will see the beauty, and not the fault....I need to embrace that. Thank you for showing me life through your eyes. I've learned so many BEAUTIFUL lessons from you.