Transformation Tuesday

     It hurts so badly because I know. I know my truth today. The horrors of what I have done. I understand the woman that I wake up with every morning. She is, luckily for me, the same one I fall asleep with every night. She is so much more than she could have ever imagine.
    This person is whole. All on her own. Without validation, or compliments or a collection of lost souls she fabricated together to replace her own missing heart. She wants today, but not because she needs. Simply because the things that she desires most in life are only an added bonus to what she already has. She doesn't need them to bury herself in to hide from how she really feels, or what shes really thinking. Those sick thoughts. That overpowering committee in her head was the only thing she was able to hear.
    Aside from the many toxic substances that poisoned her body, she was corroded with lost love song lyrics, and the dignity of everyone around her. Her greatest flaw was that she believed she was powerful beyond measure. The universes greatest flaw was that it had been true. That tiny little green eyed number with her long brown hair, and her heart of nothingness NEEDED more than she could have even bargained for. The gaping hole in her chest could be plugged....for a time...with anything. Anything that could love her long enough to be able to breathe again. Although it never lasted. They never lasted. Those pieces of their hearts could not survive inside her own. They didn't speak the same language. The intent was never to rob these people. The intent was never to hurt them, but she always knew exactly what she had to do to stop the pain.
   To say that for 24 years she was half a person would be a lie. She was an empty shell of a human being. She was dead. Every one of her casualties were of gods beautiful making, but they were never going to be enough....Because she was never enough. Maybe the beach house will cure it. Maybe the desperation in their voices. Maybe the frothy emotional fucking appeal. NO. None of it.
    That woman hit her knees like she had never prayed before in her entire life. She let it go. All of it. She can look you in the eyes today. You can trust every word she says today.She has not one alibi. She doesn't need any part of you because she has all her own.
    She wants today. She wants a partner, an equal, a beautiful addition to her already beautiful life. The most beautiful blessing in all of this, and dear god does she wish you could be a fly on the wall to hear how innocently she prays, is that the man that she loves will ALWAYS be enough....Because SHE is enough.