Daily Reprieve

   I'm not sure exactly where to start this post. I want to vent and say how stressed out I am. I want to say that I don't feel like showing up for life sometimes. I want to scream when I think about having to pray in the morning, and at night, and all day long. I want to scream when they tell me I have to right my wrongs, and turn everything over to god. I want to tell you that the thought of not being able to drink again for the REST OF MY LIFE drives a spike in the back of my head. I want to tell you so many things about how being an alcoholic really jams me up...But I won't.
   Instead I'm going to choose to tell you why it makes my life worth living. How it steps in when the rest of the world, including myself, has stepped out. It doesn't say " oh, this girl again." It says " I'm still here. Where have you been?"  God says No when my crazy mind says yes. He also says yes when that same crazy mind convinces me I can no longer go on.
   Life gets hard. Life has been hard more often than not. The hurtles vary in size and the hoops become less difficult to jump through especially in my sobriety. I can at least clearly see the hoop now ( ha ha). There are days when I simply want to cry. I don't want a remedy or a thousand words of advice. I know what to do. I did not survive this long as an alcoholic because I was unintelligent. Studies have proven that people with addiction are 3% smarter than the average human being. Hmmm. This is merely a simple program for a bunch of complicated people.
   I know the drill. I do not drink or drug under any circumstances what so ever. And I don't. It does not mean that I don't think about it. There is an old timer in the rooms with me who says. " If you didn't think about drinkin every damn day of your life than you wouldn't be a f*ckin alcoholic. We don't act on those thoughts. That's just  what we do!!" He is right. Of course my twisted mind will always go straight to the easiest source. Of course it will automatically choose the " easiest"  way out. I am so blessed today to know that my minds definition of easy is not in all actuality the correct definition.
   If I know one thing better than addiction, It's recovery.
  Today I am able to cry. To soothe myself without a chemical. Sometimes mole hills to me look bigger than mountains. Sometimes my fears outweigh my faith. That is normal. In 7 months of sobriety I learned that life still happens. I am not the center of the universe, even of my own. I learned that god gives me what I can handle....I've also learned that he must think I am pretty damn strong. I do this when I'm happy, when I feel good, when I'm so full of AA that I explode. More importantly than not I do this when I feel like shit, when I feel angry, and best of all when I don't want to. Not my choice today. For that I am grateful.