It's amazing how easy it can be to forget. How simple it is to start the wheels turning. As defined, Trust is an action word, and I have had very delayed reactions lately. I was promised that in all that I do if I stay close to God and perform his work well then all will be provided for me. That statement has always held true. It is I that deviates from his well laid plans.
Worrying is a waste of time. It creeps in only to steal what little peace you have left in those moments. It does not pay the bills, nor put food in the fridge. It does not make insecurities disappear, nor new opportunities arise. Simply, worrying clouds your judgement, and adds strain where strain is not due.
There is a lot going on in my world lately. I have a household to tend to, debt to climb out of, a fiance who is very soon to be my husband, and I forget sometimes that as of yesterday I am only one year sober. It took me 24 years to lose everything. Most importantly myself. I can not expect to get things back so quickly. Life is new today. Instead of constantly leaving...I am always finding new reasons to stay. I am learning how to live in the moment.
My world, even had you subtracted the horror of my own addiction, was still poorly managed. I learned to have terrible life skills. I can survive well....I was not always as successful at living. There was always something to take care of or fret over. Someone who needed caring for. Some heroic roll I was forced to play because the 8 year old of the house was meant to save everyone ya know. That was a lot of pressure for a little girl. Pressure I still put on myself as an adult. Those quirks stay with me. Not because I want to bring them, but simply because sometimes they are all I know.
At 25, I am reborn. I do not think I fully understood how hard that was going to be. In my case atleast. Not a single piece of me would ever want to be recycled into the woman I had been before this all started. I did not admirer her then, and I do not admirer her now. What I didn't think about was the fact that I had literally no idea how to function as a human being. I was raised by wolves so to speak. How do you teach a dog to sit after a quarter of a century of only knowing he was allowed to stand? It's sad to me, and frustrating not to know. I feel dumb some days.
This program forces me to look at those things. Sure maybe I won't know how to do some basic things, but today I am teachable. I am willing, and I have faith. This past month my faith was shaken, but I always find my way back home.
Tomorrow begins a new day, and a new journey.
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