take it easy

Today was one of the very few days i've slept in in my whole life. I was always the kid that would be wide awake as soon as the sun shown threw the windows, i'd tip toe into the living room to see if the beast was still asleep on the couch, and pray that I could leave for school undetected. I knew at a very young age that it was always going to be my own responsibility to wake myself up, eat something....if there was anything to eat, double check my own homework and leave the house. I knew that nothing would ever get done...on time...the right way...if I didn't take it upon myself to do it. There have been mornings i've woken up to swedish fish trailing our home, in my moms last stitch effort to rummage the house for a snack at 4 am. There have been nights where I had been woken up by screaming, or police officers hovering over my bed, or my mother clumsily trying to ram sack my drawers for an outfit she could wear the next day. The days were long, but the nights were longer. Sleep was my enemy, i'd fight it, id fight the urge to doze off for the shear fact of the terror that would be in store for me. If I didn't sleep then I could see all these things coming before I was startled out of a rem sleep coma, and nearly given a heart attack. In my adult life i've grown to be the same way. I no longer stay up at night waiting to be ambushed, but my sleep is interrupted with visions of killer electric bills, and the repo man coming for all my worldly possessions. I still rise with the sun on most days, whether I choose to lie around in bed or get motivated I spend alot of time gazing out of my bedroom window in those early hours and thanking god that i'm alive. " waiting for daylight, prayin for that mornin sun...so I can pretend my whole life ain't goin wrong.." I still get up every day, in my own home now, and detail the house before I have my coffee. Relentlessly wiping down the counters in my kitchen horrifically picturing the grape flavored jelly that used to covered the cabinets as a child. Digging threw my freezer for old food still searching for my mothers frozen solid morphine patches that she'd store for later. I'm glad that I have been bread to do those things, the compulsion keeps me on track. The routine is comforting, it always has been. I slept in today, a littleeee longer then i'd like to admit, but my body needed it. I run on fumes most days, and most days turns into most weeks until i crash completely...today was that day. I sucked in every last ounce of rest I could get before jumping out of bed with a smile ready to burn threw the day. I need to learn to slow it down. The counters will still need wiping in an hour, and my rabbit will not, despite my psychotic  thoughts, eat threw her cage and come attack me for not getting up soon enough to feed her. I enjoyed this morning very much. I don't know when my conscious will let me sleep this long again...but until next time....TAKE IT EASY!