exhausted

Its hard to say if its the weather or just a combination of the way i'm feeling, but I woke up today absolutely exhausted. An oh too familiar feeling i'm sad to say. I feel like I sleep, but i'm not dreaming, I lay down although my body is not at rest. Irony plays a humongous role in the past 24 years of my existence. For instance, I KNEW to run before I had ever even learned to walk. I don't mean the kind of running where your kicking around a soccer ball with your friends, or running to keep up with the crowd. I mean bolting threw life constantly defying the odds of time. Running out of fear, vulnerability, confusion. Rushing into relationships, rushing out of them, making hasty decisions because the pain of taking the time to think it threw is too unbearable. I've lived fast, but for that I know I will die slowly. The world is funny that way...race to the end only to find a wall, a wall you have built yourself over the course of life, that by the time you reach it you have not an ounce of strength to stand beside it let alone take the journey over it. Let me clear some of this up for you.. from the time I can remember I was taught to be a survivor, to eat or be eaten.. Everyday was a war between the beast a.k.a. my mother and myself. We didn't LIVE in my house, we battled to stay alive. Who was gonna eat the last can of corn in the cabinet or who was gonna take their turn being locked out of the house. Atleast I was handy with a butter knife. To this very day I can break into almost anything....THANKS MOM that's one for the resume. I was taught to believe make believe, that what I saw was never what it was. Your mommy is sick sammy...she doesn't mean it. The jelly covered counters, and burn holes in the carpet definaetly spelled out the FLU. I was young but far from stupid. So of course I tried to hurtle my way threw that sector of my life. leaving for school an hour early only to hopefully sit quietly alone in the rain on the bus stop, I was cold...but it was safe. Id beg my friends to stay over or if  I could escape to there house just to sleep threw the night. Those days were long, but some how these days feel longer.....

        until tomorrow....