broken

 Today was such a profound wake up call that I desperately needed. For this first time I can look back on my life and say whole heartedly  that I absolutely messed everything up. I came out of the whom backwards (literally I was breech), but man did I take ass backwards to a whole new level once I emerged. I'm a good person, I pray, I always go into everything I do with the best of intentions although my running instinct always kicks in. Your a lover, I'm a runner....we'll go round and round. I prided myself on a quote i'd heard once " always leave them better then when you found them". This pertains to people in general, my relationship partners especially.  To me that always meant that they would be wiser, or happier or atleast held themselves at a higher regard after I was done. I convinced myself for 23 of my 24 years of life that I was a super hero, and I would've done anything and everything I had to to uphold that role, including hurting myself. I have been my own last priority for as long as I can remember, my life  held very little value. I had prepared for death since the very day I was born. My mother wasn't supposed to be able to have children so the fact that i'm here at all is a miracle within itself. Knowing that I decided to live each day as if it were a gift. Sometimes that gift wouldn't be a gift at all. More like a punishment. If I was lucky enough to survive it then my reward was to live another day, but sometimes that gift was a new friend, or a 10 dollar check my grandfather sent me to buy shampoo and toilet paper for the house. God knows no one else would put out the money for it. I was selfless, I still am, and that has ruined me. I am the strongest woman I know, and in the same breath I can say that I break just like a little girl. Somewhere there's a miracle in that too.