gods will

This soul searching quest i've been on is more exhausting then I had anticipated. There's a reason I chose to put this on the back burner for as long as I did. As I learn and grow i've been told many times that my life isn't on my time, it is not my will to enforce how I feel or what I think is best for me. The world runs on gods time, it is his will and not my own that projects what it is I need to be doing. There are times when I choose to trust him because the situation is far out of my hands, I trust him because I know that his decision will never fail me regardless if it is one I agree with or not. There are also times that I test his will. Imposing my own guidelines, and regulations. There are times I get ahead of myself, I think that I don't have to wait for him to guide me...I will just as well go off on my own and find the answer. Although, This always lands me in the same place. I am back down on my knees because it is the last place left to fall, and I pray. I pray that he will forgive me for rebelling and allow me to start fresh. God is always willing, a good friend once told me that, and knowing that has changed my life. I have reacted lately out of sadness, anger and even loneliness. Since I was a child I could never stand to be alone, if I was the last person left on earth I wouldn't even hang out with me. I saw no need for "me" time, no one wanted to deal with me...I wanted to set out on my next journey to cure someone else. Today I have "me" time. I have time when I reflect on the decisions i've made, and I feel the pain of that. It hurts....who knew? but I like it. It makes me feel alive. I am grateful for that. The pages of my notebooks are now filled with gratitude. Do not get me wrong my " give it up to god" list still stretches a mile high, but today my faith is strong...and that is whats important.