oh the places you'll go...

Yesterday was life changing. I never in my entire life ever thought I would experience such a moving moment. I don't know if I have mentioned this in my blog previously, but my father had left when I was just a little girl. This is  hard to talk about sometimes, but if I want my message to reach someone out there then I have to be honest with my story whether that pains me or not so here it goes...I remember my dad up until a point i'd say I was probably 3-5 roughly I could describe what he looked like, how his voice sounded, but as I grew apart from him I could remember less and less. Growing up I heard a bunch of stories, especially from my mother. You'd think that when people seperate they talk trash on the other parent and yada yada, but my mother never spoke a poor word about my father, and for that I have a great respect for her. She said he was a good man sammy he just didn't know how to be a dad then. I didn't understand when I was little...I couldn't imagine someone could leave their child with the beast, but as I aged I realized that he couldn't save us...that wasn't his job. I'd stay up at night and wonder how my life would've turned out if he had raised me instead or if I had both of them, but after all that has happened I wouldn't change a single thing. I wouldn't trade a single day for a hundred years the other way. The pain has made me strong. Its been a long time since i've really thought about my dad. After almost a quarter of my life passing by I kind of chocked it up as a loss. I didn't know any different so it was hard to miss someone you barely knew. Now that i've made it to adulthood I can see life for what it's really worth. I myself has grown into quite the runner. I questioned why he ran, why he didn't stay or call or any of the millions of questions kids ask themselves. I was mad, but I find it easier to let go now that I share that same quality with him. Maybe he ran because he was scared, maybe he wanted to save us both and just wasn't strong enough...or maybe he " just had to go" a phrase I have used far too often in my own life. Yesterday has opened up a door to finally knowing the answers to those tough questions. I was on my fb and checked the others category of my inbox message to find a year old message from a mister you know who. Needless to say I almost fainted. My mom had said to me a million times " do you ever wanna reach out to your dad sammy?" and I never quite had an answer, I was so emotionally strained then that I couldn't have appreciated it for what it was worth. She said that he is the same way, and I may have to take one for the team and make the first move. The sound of that made me cringe considering ive been QUITE the team player, the team captain one might say, and i'd hoped that he would step up...and he did! I received the message a year late, but even one year ago it wouldn't have meant as much to me as it does now. After an exchange of messages and voicemails I heard his voice for the first time in 20 years...it sent chills down my spine. I laughed, I cried, I felt numbness and uncontrollable fascination at the same time. It was life changing. He has lived down south for many many years now so seeing him has been impossible until now. What are the odds that the day I call him hes in the area for the weekend, and I get to meet him all over again. Im so excited to see what he looks like, even last night on the phone I can tell hes my dad...the way he talked the things he said. Hes the other half of me. my blood ruins in his veins. I dont know who this post will touch, but for anyone who has been without one of their parents this is life altering. It completes you....You can't run from where you come from....this i'm learning everyday.