reflections

This may come as a shock to everyone, but I've been thinking an awful lot lately haha There have been circumstances I have been put into, and ones that I have willingly volunteered myself as shark bate for the rest of the world. There are decisions I have made that I may not be happy about, but I choose to live a regret free life today. I recently recalled a time in my life when I was utterly and disgustingly inlove with one of my childhood best friends. He was the boy that lived down the street, the quiet type ya know. His body language, the way the national park clouded sunlight shown threw his eyes....the silence he embodied. I swore he was my soul mate. We talked as children of intimate moments and things only him and I would've understood. I felt his sadness in the quiver in his voice, like I am sure he felt mine. He was sick even then, but so was I...." One day when your better I will love you I told him"...little did he know I already did. I prayed that my beautiful boy could learn to live and not just exist in this cold world, and when he did I couldn't imagine him sharing that life with anyone else. I got the call one day saying that he was sober, and as I promised...I was there. What an incredibly painful, rewarding, whole hearted emptiness I had felt threw out our relationship. Never having been more satisfied or so broken in my entire life. I did things I hate myself for, but in that time I had never learned more gratitude. I had a new family then, my al anon family. I learned that there was beauty behind this life altering disease. All I had ever wanted was to FEEL, I wanted to feel something beautiful...and there HE was. " there was no act of god that could've torn me away from him"...that phrase, which is permanently scarred on my body, holds more truth today then it ever has. I have carried the strength he has taught me threw out the course of my life. He made me strong when I was a 5 foot 100 pound skeleton of tears and bones. I stood 10 feet tall when he needed me to, only to walk home feeling lower then dirt. He sucked me dry, but that emptiness was familiar. I needed only my lungs to breathe, my heart he needed more. I lost a piece of myself that very first day when he buried me in the sand up to my neck when we were just little kids. That is a piece I have never gotten back. Thank you for keeping me alive in you. This person made me blind. He made me feel the same craziness that I had growing up in the world of fantasy and make believe. If he said the sky was green I would've believed it, not because I was a foolish woman, but because I wanted to. Arguing was useless. I would've rather played in traffic...my odds would've been better then. Although, letting him win when I did only added to our down fall. I am sorry that I have failed us. Today I am grateful for that life, I can let go of what I can not change and embrace what has been presented to me. Your eyes still guide me deep into your soul, the same soul I see when I look in the mirror...I am face to face with an angel in disguise...thank you god for letting us see threw clear eyes.