I know in my heart of hearts that I have absolutely known this all along, but today I can admit that I am a full fledged, fully capable, competent, qualified alcoholic. I have scored ridiculously high on every blood alcohol content calculator. I have drowned myself deep enough into the bottle, buried myself far enough into the toilet and the vomit soaked sheets of my bed, and woke up without an ounce of remorse too many times to continue to deny it now. My IQ is quite often less then my BAC, yet finding alcoholics anonymous is indefinitely the smartest thing I have ever done.
I sat in the rooms with my mother, my qualifiers, myself time and time again since I was a small child, and for the life of me I would've told you that I am strictly a visitor. I wanted no parts of what they had, I wanted no parts of admitting what I was. If not but for the grace of GOD would I be proud of that neurotic girl because through these steps, and the sweaty palms of the countless peoples hands I choose to hold on this journey, would I not TODAY be proud of this WOMAN that I have come to be.
I know where I belong, and I can not begin to describe just how freeing that feeling is. I was pretty sure I belonged everywhere...Every party, club, bar, concert...etc..etc...If I wasn't necessarily invited I'd make sure you loved me by the time I left. I'd for sure be the drunkest and luckily for me 9 times out of 10 I was a ton of fun. Being the good addict that I am I have too had my fair share of monster moments where I'd show up and you'd want to lock the door the moment I hit the first of the 5 front stairs, but I'd find a way in. If not the window, the back door, a parade of phone calls and thrown stones until you caved and unlatched the bolt lock. Nothing stopped it, the disease, the horror. I'd get drunk because it was Christmas, Easter, Halloween...Well then as the years went on I got drunk because it was flag day, earth day or presidents day weekend...and well the years that followed that I got drunk because it was, well...Wednesday.
I no longer belong at those functions, but I DO belong somewhere much cooler. My new happy place has retro 70s wall paper, and books that have been read by innumerable eyes. It has that familiar musty church basement smell, and wobbly uncomfortable chairs. It has no windows, but it has a door that is always open, and a multitude of people with a look in their eyes that only sobriety can bring. In my weakest moments those coffee stained stools looked like thrones in king alexanders paradise, and those 4 walls looked exactly like home.
This insanity does not define me...what defines me is that I can allow myself, be it one day at a time or one second at a time...to find serenity. I will be the most SOBER at all of these NEW functions, and I will still be the most FUN!!!
Thank you god for all you've given me
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