That is the only thing that is for certain

   I guess you could say not much has changed in the past 31 years. In moments of sheer and utter sadness, I always come to write. I heard a quote once " We are writers, my love, We do not write, We bleed on paper" God how true is that. I remember many nights I'd hold myself up in the tiny bathroom of my childhood home, sit on the ice cold floor, and write until it didn't hurt anymore. I left my life on those pages. How lonely and beautiful, almost poetic justice in and of itself. I don't know man. I just didn't have one of those fairy tale lives ya kno. My mother and I kind of just " looked after each other" if that makes sense. We were like two lost souls nudging each other on. It was the hardest and most humbling part of my entire life. That alone has taught me more than I could ever express. 

  You know how in horror movies they throw in those "regular" scenes, where the people are out to eat, or on a date, or other mundane stuff, just so it makes the scary parts that much scarier. Well my life was exactly like that. I had really amazing times. I've met wonderful people, I've done really cool things, but I've also been more terrified than a human being should be capable of feeling without actually dying. I have quite literally felt my own heart break. Your whole body trembles, just as you imagine it would right before you took your last breath. It's sickening really when I look back on it, but all the while I am so thankful to have had the experience.

  Trauma initiates us into an irrevocable loss of innocence. It robs you of your peace, your security, your life. It alters how you interact with others, how you treat yourself. It inherently teaches you how to shut yourself off to the world. How to block things out. I scare myself with my uncanny ability to close the doors on people who are dear to my heart, because they are detrimental to my soul.

  I'll end with this. What life has taught me is that time heals nothing. The pain has always remained the same. WE are what changes. We evolve. We grow. We expand our minds to understand why some of these horrifying things happen, and we learn to accept. If we don't grow, we die. 

That is the only thing that is for certain.