I've become increasingly aware of the lack of knowledge society has about addiction, alcoholism particularly. I fully understand that it's not their job to know or to make it any of their business, but there are people dying all around us and we miss the warning signs. It even affects us in our daily lives and we don't even realize it.
There are so very many faces of this disease. These people can be your doctors, lawyers, neighbors, friends and family. They can be high functioning, rich, well known. Not everyone is homeless or dirty or brown paper bagged. A good amount of us have good jobs, and homes and spouses. Not always do we show up to those jobs, or pay for those homes or treat our spouses with any kind of respect, but we have them. Society says were doing alright if we check off those 3 boxes. We're not. It's in those normal every day life scenarios where we do the most damage.
Yes, of course there are the cases of the poverty stricken individuals, and the roamers if you will. These are the ones we see on the channel 6 news or when were driving underneath the bridges in the inner city. This has become the face of what we know of addiction today. It's the most obvious in your face, can't deny it version. What we miss is the not so obvious. The bad relationships with "jerks", or the "soulless" sorority sister that thinks she's better then the rest of us. We miss the truth of that.
Not every party animal is an alcoholic, and not every alcoholic is a party animal. That's actually less often the case. Most people you see at parties can drink successfully. They may be white girl wasted at that moment, but they can not drink the next day and conduct themselves like a normal human being. Hats off to them. They are NOT alcoholic.
It sickens me really when you see these young people bragging about how much of an alcoholic they are, and haha look at me and the crazy shit I did last night. Dude that's awesome. Party naked I'm all for that. Again, YOU ARE NOT AN ALCOHOLIC because you get a little goofy when you're drinking. The most hilarious part is that if you were an addict you'd realize just how NOT funny that really is.
No matter what the addict looks like on the outside. How much they've lost, or stolen or any of those typical addict behaviors our insides are all identical. These stories of ours may have different chapters but they all very much read the same. We have a hole inside of us that only we know about. THAT is what makes us an alcoholic. That undying desperate feeling to be loved and accepted and to feel alive for just a friggin second. Its when being a party girl is hardly a party because even when you're standing in a crowded bar you feel so indescribably alone.
Now don't get me wrong there is fun to be had... in the beginning atleast. You're out with your friends, experimenting, etc. Then one day everyone grows up or grows out of it and life goes on. Here comes the difference between you and me. At some point my life took a wicked turn. My mind tells me that the buck doesn't stop here, and that I need to be loaded to be happy. I need to be loaded to cohabitate with the world. Maybe it's not every day right of the bat but it increases. That need grows stronger, and the hole gets bigger and bigger. Now tell me how fun that seems.
I'm going to get real personal, and tell you my story. I want you to know the other less obvious side of this disease. The one that blind sides you. There's levels to this shit man, and great great lengths that we're willing to go to to quiet the demon that lives inside of us.
Now yes I have all of those typical addict characteristics. I have stolen, broken my cars, lost my jobs, have had a ton of addresses, and lovers galore. I have been passed out with my brothers under those bridges I talked about earlier with the same look of death in my eyes that we all have come to know. That isn't what I'm here to talk about. I'm sure anyone that's ever met an addict you think you could write their story with just what you see written upon their face, and you probably could. I want to tell you about the part you may have missed.
I have stolen more then you could ever know. I am not talking about money or things this time, I'm talking about dignity. The things were obvious. The shoplifting charges or the police escort from my job. The tiny piece of your soul I could steal was more valuable and far more undetected. I was charming. So charming. I could charm the pants right off you for goodness sake and make you feel good about doing it. That's exactly what I did figuratively and literally. This ability that we have is limitless. Not priceless, everyone pays the price when they meet one of us.
There is so much more than meets the eye. You may not ever understand. Hopefully you never have to.
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